Stand up, poor and tired, but STILL more than this

[LIO]

Hi LittleWings and Ruby Tuesday!
Thank you for stopping in!

I wasn't strong the whole time. There was definitely dehabilitating days where I could not get out of bed. There were days where I couldn't get past the anger. There were days where I cried and cried, days where I talked everything through with my BFF and the people on this board. There were days were I did all of it.

I considered it a good day if I got out of bed. An even better day if I could go to work. And a great day if I could do both. Eventually I worked in eating, and then exercising.

It took time. And a lot of effort. A LOT of effort.
I couldn't imagine the self-reflection I REALLY needed to do. What I still do. Everything was about what H did, and what he didn't do. Then I questioned my own motives and reactions. I read into everything H said. Good or bad.

I read and reread the rules, the book. I read into the success stories, trying to figure out how to make that mine.

I didn't realize that in it's own way, I would feel like a success on my own. For me - it was saving myself. Saving myself from lies, from having to justify bad behaviors and weaknesses (both mine and my husband's...) I looked at every angle, every excuse I had... I am still not perfect, but I look at my motives, what fuels triggers, and how to stop myself from spiraling.

I can't live in the past. We had a good time years ago, but over time it faded and I didn't see it for what it was.

I don't feel anything when H calls. He is someone I loved, and I am grateful that I spent so long with him and grew up with him - but we really are in two different places now.

I don't eagerly away his phone calls... we talk about S. We both care about S deeply. We share that. We do not share the feelings about our marriage, and what it was. We can occasionally talk about other subjects, but I don't hang on to every word. I see him for who he is right now. I do not judge him, I do not try to change him. I accepted that he and I have different ideas for what makes up a fulfilling life - and if I were to change his for mine, it would not be respecting him. He'd have to come to a compromise on his own - and I can't bend until I break anymore. So for now, here we are.

I want to encourage people to fight if it's their desire. I would not trade even the worst days if it meant I would not be where I am right now. I just choose to not fight now. I am at peace with it. I did everything I could. Some far off tomorrow may bring something different with H and I, I can never predict the future. I can only work on me... each day.

Friday, H and I go to the courthouse and fill in our paperwork...together. At the end of next month - we will be divorced. Not just a year ago, I would never expected to be at peace with that.