In the drama triangle we all change positions, the challenge is in breaking the cycle.
I saw myself as the victim a lot but I also moved to the other roles until I decided to break the cycle.
Don't have expectations about what others might think of you. It limits you.
I was afraid to let go of my expectations because with them I could control the encounter, I knew exactly how it was going to play out as I had rehearsed it in my head.
Many times you get what you expect, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I assumed my role and the other person, if not really healthy, assumed theirs. It's the people who had their sh!t together and didn't play the game that really threw me for a loop.
I immediately classified them as arrogant a$$holes or they just didn't get how difficult my life was. I switched from victim to persecutor. And there were always people to rescue so I could get pats on the head.
And the role-playing continued.
Life is much better without all that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I can't believe how much your sitch has changed in such a short period of time, Regretful. I'm taking it all in. I'd better check in more frequently.
Much as I can relate to having a husband like yours and the frustration that goes with that, I can't relate to being interested in starting other relationships. It sounds like so much hard work to me. I'm amazed that you're tempted by the idea. Maybe it's because I'm nearly ten years older than you are but I really don't feel that I have the energy for a new R. Along with the potential for validation, Rs bring up so much insecurity in my experience.
You sound as if you're clear that you want a separation and I can see that you've come to the end of the stage you were in. Good luck with getting through this next period. I look forward to following your sitch. I'm curious as to whether you'll reclaim the MBR if you're no longer as concerned with how your H responds.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I totally understand thinking about a new relationship and I'm 10 years older than you, Wendy! I love having a close, loving, funny, and exciting relationship with a man. If I D my H, it will be nice to have the attention of men again and not have to feel guilty or hold back. I think part of that comes from the neglect we've suffered from our H's.
LA, you know you're nearing the end when you feel this way. You know you're detaching and thinking about new possibilities and new beginnings.
We won't perish without our H's. Humans are designed to survive and we (YOU) will!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
When that guy had his hand on my back on Saturday night... well, it just reminded me of everything that I was missing. I really need to be touched, to be loved, to be cherished. I don't think I ever got enough of that from my H. It is time for me to get some of that back now. Seriously, the encounter with Hot Guy on Saturday night was one of the best things that's happened to me in a long time, and I hope I can continue to keep it in my mind as a reminder that I'm not as hopeless as I am tempted to think.
I always had a lot of regret around OM1. I've often thought about what could have been with him, what I potentially gave up in order to keep working at my M. Or start working on it. I don't want to feel that regret again. I don't want to feel that I gave up something that could have been wonderful and better for me, just for the sake of a marriage that isn't necessarily working and doesn't want to be fixed.
Wendy, I'm not looking for another R right now. I just want to go out to dinner and a movie, laugh, and be appreciated for who I am. And maybe have sex. That's it. I hope that's not hard work.
SS, you have inspired me... because once you really dropped the rope, your H had his own lightbulb moment. At this point, I don't know if my H will or not. And I guess it should not matter.
I told my sister today that I thought if we separated and I established my own life without H, that I probably would D him instead of the other way around. H went from "I definitely want a D" over the summer now to "I want a trial separation." So whatever. It doesn't really matter to me right now. I just don't want him having power over me any more.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
It seems to me like you have power over him if he went from definitely D to trial separation. Are you going to throw all your DB work away? Sounds like DB is working but you are not committed to the patience. Your H is taking a big leap of faith again potentially and you are about to go to OM#3? This certainly hurts hopes of anyone trying to trust and validates his hesitation. What's up RLA? You are hurt, but you wanted him back and were doing this work now you are moving the target. Wow, now I am questioning whether this work for me is worth it. I took a leap of faith too and then she pulled rug from out from underneath me. Enough of the power struggle...someone has to end the PS. I think you are missing who is having the power lately and that is you. You have him thinking and coming closer. Are you saying I should go out and get some too?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
No it is not true, but it is what he expects. Sorry to be so blunt but you validated his insecurities. You cannot be angry at him for that. That IC you saw sounds pretty out there. Like, wow man.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Floyd, it is a very sad situation indeed. I spent 6 months earnestly trying to put things back together over here. H had every opportunity to get on board. The time has finally come where I have to say enough is enough. I am not going to waste the rest of my life waiting for him to change his mind and/or depriving myself so I don't hurt his feelings (this would be different if things were better, but we've been traveling this path for a while now).
I don't intend to break any vows, but you have to understand Floyd, he's been withholding affection from me for years (now worse than ever and consistently, obviously). I am done. But I'm not angry.
My IC... it's California, what can I say?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
...and I gave my W too much affection and attention and I get rejected. Funny how that works. I know how you feel to be deprived of it. Witholding affection is abusive...at least it feels that way. Just for your own health, mental and physical believe that some dude you just meet is going to give you that affection you crave...it is not real affection. But I do get the need to feel touched and wanted. I have 2 women intersted in me and have held off. I know I am good looking...W still even says so, fit and professional...but I just haven't brought myself to cross that line even though she has..and is out right now at 11:30pm EST. Am I a fool? Am I missing something? Do I take that touch that has been offered me a few times by the good looking women? I had a lot of good times in my teens and 20's. It is not my MO anymore...should it be?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
