improvements w H but still no closeness. Now what?

[Accuray]

Hi Bestgal,

"Can you do it?" wasn't a challenge with a right answer, it was an honest question that you should ask yourself because sometimes living that way is either not okay, or not possible. I have no doubt that MWD's program would be successful in almost every case if people could do it perfectly, because it really is a good prescription. It's an uphill battle, however, against hurt and need, and you need to decide if that's worth it, because the truth is that he has wronged you by having an affair, and being married you have every right to expect to have your needs met. This program requires that you put both of those aside for potentially a long period of time.

The great news is that it sounds like the two of you have been working well as cordial roommates or friends. That's great! A lot of WAS won't do that. The downside is that it's going to wreak havoc with your expectations and hopes when things start going well or feeling good but he still sleeps on the couch. You'll constantly be wondering "maybe tonight" and that can eat you alive.

As Sandi mentioned, men and women communicate differently and have different perspectives stereotypically. I can tell you a couple things that work for me and maybe they can help you. First, if you have something "challenging" you want to talk about, it's natural to think about it for a while and when the time feels right *for you* to jump into it with your husband. If he doesn't engage the way you want you can get frustrated which will make you push even harder and for him to get frustrated and angry too. At the same time, you are perfectly entitled to discuss these things and expect to have a meaningful discussion. (Not now, when things get better)

Here's one technique -- rather than jumping into it when you introduce it, say to H "I've been thinking a lot about X and I'd like to discuss it with you when you're ready. Do you think you can get back to me [before the end of the week] with a time to talk?"

This way, he has some time to prepare his thoughts, some time to build up mental energy, no issues with being distracted from something he was engaged with, etc. etc. For me, time to prepare is key. I've learned that about myself and now tell W "I'd like to have that discussion but I need a little time to think about it first, can we discuss it [future time]?"

Another tactic that can help -- when you have these conversations, you will often have a position you want to advance, a point you want to make, or a commitment you want to extract. You have an agenda. The other person can feel steamrolled when that happens. One thing to try is that when you first discuss the topic, just listen, repeat and clarify what the other person is saying, keep yourself out of it completely, no rebuttals, no defensiveness, just listen and make sure you get it. Then, the next day, tell him that you've been thinking about what he said and you want to make sure you understood it and clarify some things. Then, read his position back to him and see if you have it right.

Why do this? Because if he's being unreasonable or unfair, when you read it back to him the next day he's going to see it and will often self-correct without you having to force the issue or fight about it. If he doesn't, this is where you say what you have to say, but at this point he feels like he's been "heard" so he won't be as defensive or argumentative, and you may avoid arguing about something you only misunderstood.

Finally, if you get into something that does get heated, call a time out. This seems to be the boundary your H has set. That doesn't mean dropping the issue forever. You can just say "hey, this is getting heated, let's take a time out. Can we pick it up again [tomorrow][after 48 hours]?" Get a commitment to come back to it later and you will feel better leaving the discussion.

I'm hopeful that these things will make things better for you in the near term.

The other thing that I'll touch on is your need to ask R questions. This is 100% normal. As the LBS, "elephants in the room" accumulate over time until the weight of them is tearing at us and we backslide and have the R talk. What you need to realize is that 95% of communication between two people living together is non-verbal, so there is almost a 100% chance you know the answer before you ask it. You found this in the last few breakdowns you've had. What you're really doing is begging the other person to reassure you that their non-verbal communication isn't true. Even if they do that, you'll have a hard time believing them because of how they've been acting, which then degenerates into an argument. Next time you're tempted to have this discussion, ask yourself if you already know the answer, or describe what's going on and ask the questions here.

This non-verbal communication is also crucial with Sandi's points, how you act is 100% as important as what you say. If you walk around the house with your shoulders stiff, you're on edge. If your shoulders are relaxed, you don't care, and that's the vibe you need. If you're watching a movie together and you keep glancing at him trying to read his emotions by his expression, he's going to notice. Don't look at him at all and he'll notice that too. "Act as if" is *really* hard to do well, because you have to control what you do and "how you are" in addition to what you say whenever you are together.

by behaving as if I'm unconcerned, not bringing up the M / R at all, and generally doing my own thing and being happy, isn't that like giving permission to his behaviors I don't appreciate?

You don't have to give someone permission to neglect you, you're not an active participant in that at all. The better way to think about this is how you'd respond to a bully -- the best response is no response. Don't let them know they got to you. That doesn't imply that what they are saying is true in any way.

If our WAS does something next week that is "disrespectful" how do we make it clear we don't like something, while detaching at the same time?

The answer to this is boundaries. Your H has created a boundary and you see how effective it is. He's said that he will not get into arguments where you won't let the matter go. He's not telling you what to do, he's just saying that if you do that, he won't engage with you.

That's how you deal with a disrespectful WAS. You make boundaries. "I will not share a house with someone who stays out partying all night. If you persist in doing that, you will need to find another place to live." (Assuming you have the ability to evict them) You're not telling them they can't stay out partying all night, you're just saying that if they do, you won't live in the same house with them.

"I will not be spoken to disrespectfully. If you speak to me disrespectfully, I will leave the room." Once again, they can be as disrespectful as they want, but you're not going to listen to it.

The boundary must always be expressed in terms of what *you* will or will not accept and what *you* will do if the boundary is violated. It can't be about what the other person can or cannot do -- they can do whatever they want because you simply cannot control them as much as you might want to.

That's why a boundary is different from an ultimatum. An ultimatum is about what they can or cannot do, a boundary is about what you will do.

Accuray