Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 6

[theUF]

I feel like the people I talk to about detachment don't do this until they are physically dating someone else or have moved on completely.

I'm more detached now than I was a couple of months ago.
No way as detached as I need to be, but enough that what she throws at me doesn't ruin my day or upset me too much.
I am NOT dating. I don't even want to at this point.
I just want to work on myself and be there for my S.

You don't need to date to detach, that would just be a distraction from the real problem, not a solution.

I feel like part of DB veterans say "do nothing. no not give energy to her"

Part of me feels like I let her treat me like a doormat when doing above.

Then maybe you're going at it the wrong way.
You let her do what she want, but you still try to find out what it is. Who she txts. ETC.

You do a lot of "hidden questions" which I'm sure she sees through. Like when she leaves and you ask b/c of kids.
You let her do it, but you ask w/an excuse and give energy.


I'm curretnly trying to live the whole "do not give her energy".
She is kind and charming from time to time, but often and especially over telephone she has that disrespectful "tone" and can be downright rude. For no apparent reason.

I called her back 1 time and told her it was not ok and wouldn't be accepted.
She still often has that tone, but then I just cut the conv short, tell her goodbye and hang up. With no attitude. Just in a good mood and gentle tone.

It doesn't necessarily change how she acts, if anything she just seemed annoyed be me not getting sucked in by it, but hey at least I'm considering ME and what -I- want.

But I don't dig. I don't ask where she has been, or with who, or what she did. If she tells me about it, sure I listen and ask related questions. But they see through the digging.

I misplaced my phone and she asked me "oh, can't find it huh? *pause*...did you loose it partying last night?" That's the kind of Q's you see through straight away. She just wanted to know if I was partying last night.

So bottom line of what I think : I can't control what she does, so no need to dig into what she does. I can't control how she acts towards me, but I CAN say no to it then leave or hang up.

This is just how I try to go at it these days, and mind you, it might be the wrong way as well. This is a hard process.

I really don't get how you guys detach. Seems like lots of people including Mr. B were not living under the same roof. even 25 if I get it right you guys weren't under the same roof for awhile. In that case i would guess detaching could be a little easier.

Yeah. We do live seperately. It does make it easier to detach I think.
BUT, it makes it hard showing consistent change. It also means I have a lot of days and nights with out my S, which hurts the most.

If you all live under the same roof now, enjoy and really appreciate the time with your children. If things head towards seperate living arrangements you will regret if you didn't and only focused on W.