Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 6

[25yearsmlc]

PON

you asked me for ideas of what you can work on...here is what YOU posted nearly a year ago and what some responses were. By seeing it here perhaps you can see how much resistance to DBing you have shown.

OR not. Just tell us what you think AFTER you have read and PONDERED this for a good solid day or two. Really look at where you were and tell us where you believe you are now. Because it all boils down to one question...


Why would your wife believe marriage to you, from this day forward,

could be better/different than before?

Below are Your first posts....and some answers (WHICH ARE ALL IN RED...no matter who else wrote them)

so you can see that A LOT of this has been said to you for a long time...

there is less mystery here than you seem to see...there are answers here...

So I have to ask you this:

do you want to be married or not?

Do you just want it to work -- but not work at it?

Do you want to be married to HER or just not be alone?

Seems like you don't get the whole "work" concept b/c you say, OFTEN, "this is so hard" as if any of us found it easy or painless...


B/c the "SECRET" to staying married is - there is NO secret. It just takes work.

From 25...

Jan 2012
Dear Melt


sorry you are here but it's the best place to be for a lousy reason...

Choose the approach you want and make a real effort at consistent application of the principles in it. You sound pulled in many directions and I suspect you come off as inconsistent so she won't believe the changes are anything but tactics to get her back, as opposed to real changes in you.

If you change YOU and become the best man you can, the man she fell in love with, you may turn this around. 3 weeks is nothing. Check my signature block.

Sounds like you two have been doing a lot of the same old thing fo 2 years now...it'll take awhile to undo the damage and move "from this day forward."


what did SHE SAY the problems were? Were any of them valid to you?


What are you doing about the problems that belong to YOU?

Do you understand that UNLESS SHE believes marriage to you can be better and different

then she won't return?

So how will YOU reveal this new better you and different way of interacting?

You are the person posting here so the focus here, is ON YOU and what YOU Can do to help the situation.

And you are the only person you control. Remember that...and make some choices.

Let us know...
________________
YOUR ANSWER IS BELOW AND IS FROM JAN 2012



She said I'm controlling and have trouble letting certain things go. I am working on myself as much as I can right now. Not seeing my kids everyday is taking a huge toll on me. I found a local counselor that is familiar with Michele's principals and I interviewed her per DB suggestions.

I have started to get in touch with my spiritual side. I've joined a men's group at my local church. I understand I have to start becoming less reactive or getting on the defense about certain things.


Thanks for making it clear that if she doesn't see the marriage changing she will not come back. Actually I feel the same way. She needs to make some changes to. But of course I now understand I can't control those things.

One thing I am struggling with today is I feel like there is something bothering her. I want to ask her so we can get it on the table and answer what the problem is with a 180 attitude. I just don't like the fact that she holds things in for 3 weeks without talking to me about things. I know why she does it because she fears a blow out. I just know my wife after so many years and feel like the way she is interacting with me recently makes me feel like something is on her mind. Is is ok to ask. I mean we need some sort of communication channel even though we are separated.

Yes I am being pulled in several directions and I get mixed messages from her. I never pursue her but I get txt from her at night about non kids things. I sort of enjoy getting them but also gives me mixed messages.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.
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THEN QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY SHE'D HAVE TRUST ISSUES WITH YOU, AND HERE IS WHAT YOU WROTE...

_________------------
Lack of trust came from some emails and facebook messages from ex girlfriends that started off as innocent talk but then turned into sexual nature. These ex girls from 20 years ago started just small talk then started talking about good ole days of highschool etc. I should have stopped the conversations and said it was inappropriate but I did not.

There was no talking of meeting up or having affairs or anything but the content was inappropriate. She read them and was hurt. I then what every stupid guy would do in this situation and try to play it off like it was no big deal. Try to talk my way out of hot water and made it worse. I realize what I did now but at the time got caught up in it.

She then started distancing herself from me and I got paranoid and snooped in her stuff and found a few things I wasn't happy with and it all snowballed down hill from there. Trust was broken down and never restored.
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THEN YOU WROTE SOME MORE....


25year I made a long response to your questions but it never seemed to make it up here. But the things laid out for me was trust issues, (broken by me) control issues, jealousy etc. My own paranoia from doing things wrong causing me to not trust her and snoop into her stuff. The things I've been doing to fix them. Actively involved in church. Reading books. Joined this forum. Admitted my wrong doings.

Part of me thinks she is using this separation so she can say she tried. I don't know how she will ever see the changes I'm making when we have little to no communication. Honestly it almost appears she is going "DARK" on me. At night after I say goodnight to kids there are no longer any txt messages to me. Once in awhile she use to send me something not related to the kids etc.

I do know I need to "Get A Life" again. I'm working on that. It is very tough sitting in this quiet rental wit all my kids pictures on the wall etc. I also am trying to do what is right fo the kids right now but I feel that reduces my time with them. I definitely should have one more overnight with my kids during the week. I agreed not to keep normalcy for my son school and bus schedule.

I also feel like I'm being controlled because she knows how much I miss the kids and do not want the marriage to dissolve.

I've been torn all morning whether or not to ask her if I can take my son sledding. All of this is so very hard. I don't know when its her weekend that if I should be asking to spend time with son sledding cuz its snowing or no communication at all. I feel like I'm in a giant catch 22 and because me and her do not communicate very well right now I never know what to do
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TODAY DECEMBER 18, 2012

See how you blamed her, even THEN, for how you felt? You said she's "using something "as an excuse to say she tried"

BUT excuse me,

it was YOU who BETRAYED HER....don't let the amnesia sink in so much b/c we don't have amnesia and neither does your wife.


HERE IS A NOTE FROM THE DB MODERATOR BACK THEN...


FROM DB MODERATOR ALMOST A YEAR AGO…

Hi net-

Welcome to divorcebusting.com, officially!

Your post has attracted our 'best', women who have been successful! I apologize for the timing of the full-moderation related to the help you are being given. Please be patient, you should be approved in short order with a good posting history.


I have some questions:


1)When you say "Trying to do some 180 techniques", what specifically do you mean? What are you DOING differently.


Remember, 'If it isn't broke, don't fix it'....don't just grab some 180's and do them.

The BEST 180 is the complete opposite of her stereotype of you. So when looking at her complaints, what are they? What can she be just absolutely sure of what you will do and how you will react...related to the things that bother her? This is the change that needs to happen, and needs to stick.


2) 'How long do I go separated before asking her on her thoughts about reconciling and keeping our family intact?'

It doesn't exactly go this way. Don't make this question a part of your plan. Your plan will be 'sort of' related to getting her to ask you that question. Now...in actuality, it's even more related to making these things happen in ACTIONS, not words. Don't worry about these logistics, concern yourself with learning techniques, which are delineated in Divorce Remedy (and Divorce Busting, but DR is the upgraded version of DB), and Keeping Love Alive. You say your coach is well-versed, so immerse yourself in learning WHAT to DO.

3) What you focus on expands: how did you fall in love, what is going well, what is still good between you?


4) What are her complaints? What specifically was driving her away?
_________________________
dbmod



from PON

25years. Sorry I did reply to the threads they were moderated.

But the main reason why we are separated today is I would say that I was SMOTHERING her. I no longer do this now. But its to late I'm out of the house in an apartment. I wish I had this forum and DB and DR prior to moving out.


DEC 2012
PON, you have had this site for nearly a year. Many things have been repeated to you...and that is not a criticism but a fact. You resist...so much and then wonder why the progress is slow.

Can you list 3 things you have learned here?

And now can you list anything you are consistently doing differently?

Does this help clarify why you are more or less in the same situation as before?

You ask a lot about whether being apart helps with detachment but you were apart before.

Any thoughts or insights here?

Is this why the mc's see splitting up as the only choice?

If they've advised you and we've advised you, but you still seem to need to hear the same stuff said...

what do you think the answer is? If you won't change, then what is there to do?