Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 6

[25yearsmlc]

I have a few questions.

Can you truly detach and live under the same roof with WAS?

Yes but it's hard. And imo, probably not something you yourself can do at the moment. Your whole paradigm must shift in order for you to function without obessing about her or reading into everything she does or says or texts...


I feel like the people I talk to about detachment don't do this until they are physically dating someone else or have moved on completely.

NOT TRUE...do NOT confuse detachment with a lack of caring, OR giving up OR the pathetic need to immediately replace a WAS with a new person.

I have never seen a HEALTHY LBSer find a new mate fast....

I believe there is a mandatory time for growth and reflection, and time to heal which must be done ALONE - without the influence of a 3rd party...

Besides it's not fair to the 3rd party to use them as way of healing the LBSer or make the WAS jealous or whatever....IMO, NO LBSer could be well or healed enough to be in a real r at that time anyhow.

Like so many, You confuse what detachment means.

Pretend you were not totally dependent on your wife's behavior for how YOUR day is going.

Pretend you are not revolving around HER mood to decide if you are having a good day or night or hour....

Pretend that you knew you'd be alright no matter what SHE does/did...b/c she's not an index for Your happiness or misery.

^^^ THAT "pretending" is a lot like being detached. It's NOT a lack of caring or having "Totally have moved on" at all. It's owning our own happiness...regardless....

and the longer you believe the myth that detaching means not caring OR "totally moving on", the slower you'll be in learning how to detach and therein, lies a big problem for you.

I had moved on from my marriage in the sense that I no longer depended on the outcome of my h's choices, to KNOW I'd be fine, happy & well, regardless....

and I released the outcome and put it into God's hands and trusted that I and my children would be fine, regardless... but I retained SOME hope that maybe "someday" he'd awaken but regardless, I would continue to grow. I came to believe, thoroughly, that my life was going to be a good one...regardless, and that belief radiated in all I did and said...for the most part.....((( "REGARDLESS" of what HE did or said or felt or did not do or did not say...he was not the compass for my life. He did not direct my life. REGARDLESS of his direction, I chose mine. Make sense?)))

And that helped ME and imo, our situation b/c I think my h saw that sea of change in me, and began to believe I was actually BENEFITTING from our troubles - and in the sense that I was GAL like crazy and getting happy, he was right!

So of course that got him to turn around and look at me...really look at me and who/what he was giving up...& for what???

The reason it took 2 years is partly b/c I took a long time to "get" DBing.

And partly b/c I came to enjoy GAL and b/c I finally released my h to his "task" to go find his peace and joy in the tundra, alone...(which didn't work out so well for him) so I could better focus on my life and my children's...creating happiness for US...regardless....


I try everyday to treat my W as a roomate and believe me I don't react to her stuff to her.

really? B/c It seems like you FEEL a lot related to how SHE acts or how YOU THINK she is acting or feeling and you do a ton of mind reading too....THAT stuff must stop asap


I do bring energy to it by posting here and talking to counselor about it. But I'm a talker. I like to talk and get things out.

I feel like part of DB veterans say "do nothing. no not give energy to her"

Part of me feels like I let her treat me like a doormat when doing above


There CAN be a fine line between being a doormat and ignoring lousy treatment. You have to find a way to respond that shows your self respect WITHOUT being punitive or petty OR over reacting OR letting it ruin any part of your day.

Can you think of how you'd react if a homeless man you did not know, asked you for money and then rudely complained that you did not give him enough?

Other than telling him off, would his comment bother you the rest of the day OR would you realize "hey, he's homeless, he does not know me, his 'opinion' of me is biased AND ignorant and irrelevant"...????

See her negative comments the same way. If they're made in front of the kids, THAT can and should be addressed in a way that does not escalate but does set a boundary for you. Expressing that you deserve better and don't want a scene on Christmas AND LEAVING the room, is one way to do it.

But after a few minutes you have to move forward in the evening. You cannot hold onto it all night or day. It's the holidays and you have kids.

Not saying pretend it didn't happen, or being weirdly cheerful just after an awkward moment, but am saying move on to the next task at hand and be cool to her. ALWAYS CIVIL , but at those moments, not so warm.


Also. Do you think the WAS will do stuff like I mentioned above "Im going out etc" as a test to see if she can gain a reaction out of me?


DOUBTFUL... IRRELEVANT, & who cares?

THIS^^^ Is you mind reading into her behavior and allowing it to affect how YOU behave. STOP IT.


I really don't get how you guys detach. Seems like lots of people including Mr. B were not living under the same roof. even 25 if I get it right you guys weren't under the same roof for awhile. In that case i would guess detaching could be a little easier.

It is easier in some ways and the changes we make are easier to notice. Then again, I still have my kids and home. AND he still visited every few weeks and we were then under the same roof. There are advantages. In all, for US, it was better but not 100% by any means.

I do know this. I still let her moods dictate mine at times. That is not healthy

YOU let her moods dictate yours almost all the time. You're right. It's NOT healthy. It's NOT helping you. It's hurting you. It's setting an Unhealthy example for your kids

One thing I wish I knew earlier was how much that affects the children in the LONG run.

My kids still feel a bit nervous when h is around after being gone.

That's sad. I bear some responsibility for "teaching" them that.

Don't repeat my mistakes.

You know what NOT to do. Make that list and just stick to it. Maybe it's not easy. But you know, it's NOT complicated either. It's simple.

Now make a list, even if only with 2 or 3 goals on it. Behaviors TO DO...and begin doing them.

B/c even if you know what NOT to do, and even if you followed it, which you have not but anyhow...

in times of crisis we tend to go back to what we know...so you must learn NEW ways of handling stress and life's curve balls or you'll keep coming back to what you know is NOT helping.

Look into Essential Experience, ("EE") which is a workshop on the east coast (mainly in Philly) and see if you can attend. At least look at their website.

It can alter your behavior and paradigm in one long weekend, as much as 2 good years of therapy. It sure helped me. And it made such a difference in MY behavior that my h chose to attend it himself a few months later. THAT, and DBing is why we are still married.

The only other thing I'd suggest is Retrovaille, but that takes a couple to go.
And your wife isn't in the mood. EE is for individuals who have stuff to work on, and you do.

Working on yourself effectively WILL change your relationships...it must. It does.

And that leads to good things in all your r's.

AND OR, hire a DB coach. But you need some tools we can't hand over to you in a forum like this.

Good luck!