improvements w H but still no closeness. Now what?

[sandi2]

If you have a replay of last night, do you know how you would handle things differently? The first thing you did that you should not have done was to "respond" to that first TM. Nothing! If he wanted to call or keep trying to TM, let it go to VM or whatever.

What should you have done differently when he came home? For one thing, don't even show him you are awake. Let him stumble around, turn on lights or blow whistles, but you don't respond. Even if you happen to open your eyes when he turns on the light switch, you just give him an emotionless glance and turn over as if to go back to sleep. Above all, do not say anything! No questions, no statements, no thinking out loud. He told you the very first thing he didn't want to answer a bunch of questions, so that says what he was expecting, right? It's time to surprise him with a different response, and that being.....no response at all.

I can tell that it would be a real challenge for you not to say anything. It is hard not to give over to your emotions, but if you believe the M is worth it.....then you can do it.

You see, when you have a WAH, you have to play things quite differently until he works through whatever he's going through and has the desire to do whatever it takes to save the M. Your WAH is a long way from being at that point. And, remember this.....he needs to not have any doubts about what he wants, when it comes to the M. So, you cannot let it be easy for him. He has to "work" to get you. That's why he isn't coming around now, b/c you are trying to convince him how much you love him and how great the M can be. Don't do that. In order to turn this around and you be in charge, you have to stop telling him how you feel. He needs to feel some concern about whether or not he's messed up to the point of losing you for good. You can start the ball to rolling by just not responding to him like you did this time.

The key is that you don't act like you're mad. That's important. What a lot of LBS's don't realize about detaching is that it is not about acting like you're pouting or you're hurt or angry. What you do show is unconcern. You know, kind of like a stranger. You don't contact him throughout the day. Why? B/c when you contact him, it immediately lets him know that you care. Even if you chew him out....it shows you care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't say or do anything, right? It is the man's nature to get you to care. That's why God put that chasing thing in them. That's why they like these women who present them with the challenge to win them over. Guys are built that way. But whenever the woman steps in the position of pursuing him, it often takes away his need for her. Oh I know some guys have said that the girl chased him until he decided to go with her. Of course, the few who said it was referring "before M". But I guarantee you it's not the same as I'm talking about here. It's not his true nature. He was designed a certain way, and that's how he operates. When we try to force him to do something he doesn't really want to......we become an immediate turn-off to him. That's when they start calling us names. That's why some men give in to "some" things just so they can have peace at home. But you want more from him than that, right? You still have a chance, but you need to start today.

First, stop initiating contacts. Don't respond when he sends TM like the last time. Don't respond if it's not absolutely necessary.

Use the holidays as a good reason to start acting as if you are in a happy mood. Don't give him a reason when he asks, but just something in general like, "it must be the season", and have this little smile on your face. It's a beginning, at least. The hard part is acting as if you have this little secret that is making you happy. You do! You have the DB information and that makes you a winner....with him or without him.

Men love to be around women are peaceful and happy. Happiness just draws people, you know? It's hard not to like a happy person!

It doesn't mean that you approve of how he is acting in the MR, or anything else. It doesn't mean "anything". You are just acting happy with yourself. That's all.

No more talk about the R. Period, over, done. I know....you don't see how it will work out otherwise, but it can.

You've got to have confidence in yourself. Not only do men think that's sexy, but you need it to stay on this course. You've got to believe in "you". You can't convince him if you don't believe in that best gal.

Fill your calendar. Plan to be gone when he usually comes home, or be all dolled up when he gets home......tell him dinner's in the oven and you're going out. Always have a back-up plan in your pocket. Don't assume anything out of him....but better yet, is to get things to the place he doesn't assume your actions.

If you do this right, he won't think it is some game you've cooked up. Men hate games. If he thinks it's a gimmick to win him over, you'll lose. It's not a game. However, it is a strategy. Nobody would win a war if they didn't have a strategy, and you are in the fight of your life.

If you can get through a few days at a time, you'll see how much better that plan works compared to what hasn't been working.