Same Old Wagon Wheel Part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Actually you haven't done it the right way. so she calls your bluff because she knows you won't follow through.

Bond I think he needs you to be specific here. Give him advice as to how to say it and when

and then what to do when she ignores him or acts w/contempt ....or on the off chance it changes something, how to handle THAT.

And PON, you do NOT have to have all the answers before you stand up for yourself. Just know that an ultimatum will weaken you IF you are Not truly ready for her to call you on it. Short of an ultimatum, you can say "That's a disrespectful example to show the kids and I deserve better than that" AND LEAVE THE ROOM....

I would Not expect ANY immediate improvement on her end, b/c at this time all you can reasonably hope for is to plant a seed in her mind that later on, MIGHT sprout into a new behavior on her end...

Never give an ultimatum you are not prepared to live by....assume the answer to the ultimatum will be "I'll do what I want anyhow, screw you"...

So don't give it til you're really truly FULLY ready.

But clearly what you are doing now is NOT working. (I didn't see the positives you saw in her behavior, btw, so I don't understand the confusion you have.)

When you got your tonsils out (crazy timing for a surgery, I must say) she treated you with a modicum of decency, nothing more.

Now she sees you are well enough, so she's free again. If this is not acceptable to you,

then as soon as the holidays are over, DO something about it. Not words, action.

You want a MC to tell you how to save your marriage but they instead tell you to leave it, correct?

Hey, I understand how frustrating that is.

OTOH, if all they see in you is what you post here, then it seems you have a very low self esteem, you obsess and make your situation worse, and your wife believes she wants out of the marriage. And she has good reason to want out of it.

So, There's not a lot to work with b/c you continue to obsess no matter what we say,

ALTHOUGH you say you're getting better. IMO, that is either not true, OR not clear to her OR it's too late

OR it's slowly sinking in to her-- but you have not seen enough change in HER to know it might be working.

The only answer to this quandary, IF you don't want to file or leave, is to give your behavioral changes more time for her to trust them AND THEN see what happens.

(Absent physical abuse, I'm not big on doing anything right before the holidays, even if the WAS is a total jerk...usually, reacting can wait til Christmas has passed). In fact, "reacting" is usually a good thing to delay until you really know what you must do AND can do it.