heeeeelllllppp!!

[Many worries]

Thanks for the advice.

The problem with my wife is that she is a complex person. She doesn't really go crazy over gifts, however she likes to give big gifts. That seems like a contradiction to me.

I guess I can narrow it down that it's not physical touch or quality time for her. The physical touch thing I think comes her upbringing. The quality time doesn't seem that important, but her OWN quality time is very important to her. She needs time and space (even before everything) and I do compliment her a lot.

For acts of service I do lots of acts of service for her...maybe I"m not hitting the right buttons. Get her coffee, make the bed and bigger stuff too.

The book had some advice for how to find it and I will work on that. I know my needs aren't important, but I do want to comment on what you said 25 about me. i did the quiz in the book and mine came out to physical touch and quality time. basically the opposite of my wife. in regards to physical touch yes I enjoy a roll in the hay, but the best thing any of my girlfriends or wife used to do was hold hands with fingers mixed. so it's not 100% about sex.

Don't thrash me, but I was watching the Oprah network last night. They have this show on cheating. You basically hear it from the cheater and the spouse. they don't use the same words as here, but the concepts are the same. it was an eye opener.

I want to apologize to my wife for the stuff I've don't, but I don't think now is the time. I am also want to bring up couples counseling since that seemed to help a lot of people on the show.

[MrBond]

"The problem with my wife is that she is a complex person."

She's not. Did you actually try going back to read my post on what your W's LL was? 25years is right. Sometimes you do sound lazy in terms of your R.

"She doesn't really go crazy over gifts, however she likes to give big gifts. That seems like a contradiction to me."

It doesn't matter what you think or believe. It only matters what she thinks/believes.

"I do compliment her a lot."

You're only doing now and you haven't done it before.

"Don't thrash me, but I was watching the Oprah network last night. They have this show on cheating. You basically hear it from the cheater and the spouse. they don't use the same words as here, but the concepts are the same. it was an eye opener."

Really? So did you learn anything about your own A?

"I want to apologize to my wife for the stuff I've don't, but I don't think now is the time."

Didn't you already do that?

"I am also want to bring up couples counseling since that seemed to help a lot of people on the show."

But your W has no desire to do so. That's why it won't work.

[Many worries]

Hey Mr. Bond....since you know everything could you tell me Powerball numbers for Saturday?

But really Mr. Bond, I read through the old post and didn't find anything about the love language. But more to the point, on one hand you say I'm lazy, but then you don't want me to find out my wife's LL, but instead rely on someone's interpretation of what it is based on many 1/1000th of her life.
No offense, but I still know my wife better than you.

BTW I was trying to see it from her point of view...not yours...not mine.

I'm going to try the exercise in the book.

I keep telling myself this is a battle I can win. I know it, but it will be hard work. So far.

[MrBond]

"Hey Mr. Bond....since you know everything could you tell me Powerball numbers for Saturday?"

Really? You're going to start acting immature? This is the attitude your W sees. She's not interested in a man-child.

"But really Mr. Bond, I read through the old post and didn't find anything about the love language."

December 7 post. Obviously you're not looking hard enough.

You wrote: "Her Love Lanuages, seems to be physical touch"

I wrote: "You're way off base there. That seems to be YOUR love language. It's obvious from how you've described her that her LL are actually Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and "QUALITY" Time (Quality meaning NOT SEX)."

"But more to the point, on one hand you say I'm lazy,"

I was just agreeing with what 25years said.

"but then you don't want me to find out my wife's LL,"

Nope didn't tell you that. In fact, you were the one who already talked about the LL wayyyy back on Dec. 7.

"but instead rely on someone's interpretation of what it is based on many 1/1000th of her life. No offense, but I still know my wife better than you."

No offense, but you don't. Or else you wouldn't be here. Instead of arguing and acting like you're on a playground, how about LISTENING and LEARNING for a change.

BTW I was trying to see it from her point of view...not yours...not mine.

I'm going to try the exercise in the book.

I keep telling myself this is a battle I can win. I know it, but it will be hard work. So far."

[Many worries]

Okay, I"m confused my most recent post on love language said EXACTLY what you said and you now claim that I don't know my wife. REALLY.

I disagree on the quality time though. I know her to know that the only person she likes spending time with is herself.

So you "narrowed" it down to 3 of the 5 love languages. Uhhh thanks?

I'm sorry, but you do come off as a know it all and I'm sure you wife sees that too.

[Melting]

Ok, I'm going to chime in here.

MW, I hope you know that the people who are posting on your thread truly have the best of intentions. They honesty do. No one here HAS to help you, or anyone else for that matter. The folks on this board have gone through and are going through the same horrific feelings of pain and sadness that you are feeling.

No one here is a professional. All are here because they share a common bond. Well two bonds... All find their relationships in a place they don't want them to be. And all are pro-marriage and really want to see those who want to R to come back together successfully.

Please, set your ego aside, listen to the advice that makes sense to you, and ignore what doesn't. But there truly is no need to lash out at those that are trying to help. It really is displaced anger anyway.

I encourage you to seek out more/different IC then the one you weren't happy with. If you are looking for serious, professional advice, then you really need to pay for it. Otherwise, thank the folks that are offering free guidance, whether you like what they have to say or not.

Just MHO. Good luck to you. Take care.

[MrBond]

"Okay, I"m confused my most recent post on love language said EXACTLY what you said and you now claim that I don't know my wife. REALLY."

Did you read the post from Dec. 7? I mentioned specifically what your W's LL was and you didn't want to listen. Then you claim you know your W. Well you didn't know she was having an A did you?

"I disagree on the quality time though. I know her to know that the only person she likes spending time with is herself."

Wrong. I don't know how many times you have to deny this. You very specifically explained how she acted before and what she wanted. She SAID she wanted you but then you let yourself go. I'm not going to go through all of your posts again like I just did to look it up. Do it yourself.

BEFORE, she wanted to spend time with you. But you were too wrapped up in your EA with your coworker. Sorry you don't see it. That's probably what frustrated her too. You don't get it and you'd rather spend time arguing on here rather than changing.

"So you "narrowed" it down to 3 of the 5 love languages. Uhhh thanks?"

So you still can't admit you were wrong about me explaining her LL to you. You still don't get it. Rather than acting like a kid, start acting like a man and start listening. I'm not sure what "disability" you have, but you sure like starting arguments with others. It gives us an idea of how you were treating your W.

"I'm sorry, but you do come off as a know it all and I'm sure you wife sees that too."

Not really. I just have done much more research and retained much more information about relationships than you have. You need notes. I don't.

[MrBond]

Oh BTW, I should add that the reason why I didn't need notes is because I started listening to people. 25yearsmlc was my harshest adviser. She'd tell me straight up when I was wrong or being an idiot and I put pride aside and started listening. Start doing that and you just might save your family.

[MrBond]

Oh one more thing. Don't start giving people advice when you don't even know what DBing is or what it takes to start saving a R.

The times you had in the past were real. But like all relationships, you neglected it and in fact you were the one that had an A that got you into this mess in the first place.

In fact, you said you called your W names and insulted her, so you contributed to your downfall. Don't blame it all on your W. It shows you haven't taken any responsibility to your situation.

[Many worries]

I'm not going to get into a debate with you because I know the truth. You are just guessing here.

I really don't know why you feel the need to be so mean though. I always tell my kids that it's okay to be critical but not mean.

I'll hold off on giving advice, if you say so. (it's not like that guy is taking it anyway.)

So what next?

1. Yesterday I ran for a solid 20 min on the treadmill. Oh man it was rough but I did it even though it was slooooooow.
2. My wife went to a happy hour after work and left me with the kids. We ate pizza and played games. It was fun, my little one said he liked spending more time with me. It made me feel good..even though I am supposed to be responsible for my own happiness.
3. When my wife came home, I acted nice and friendly. She brought me a burger.
4. Because we were talking about the love languages I asked her if she wanted to watch some tv. She said no. I also noticed she didn't have her ring. It drove me crazy and I was obsessing about it, but didn't say a word.
5. She went up to bed and I went to my in law apartment.