ILYBINILWY

[AJM]

Hi CV. How's things going?

I see you're still struggling with a few things. To point something out:

The decision would be made for me and I would be grateful. I would walk away, knowing there was nothing left for me to do, like I had already decided some time before when I walked away in the first place.

I'm not saying it never works, but I would question the authenticity of the R. Wanting something because you don't want to lose it, or don't want someone else to have it, is not the same as wanting something when you have the free and open choice to do so.

Um, no you wouldn't. At least not for very long. Your happiness would be short-lived and you know it. You long for change, but you are emphasizing that change and projecting how you think it would go after that. Plans of mice and men.... You have no idea what would happen next I can assure you because you are basing it on your view of yesterday. And of course you would question the authenticity of the R. You'd be crazy not to. That's part of it.

If I summarize your posts, it seems you feel like you are at a cross-road trying to figure out how to let him in again. Your reason for not is that you've been hurt and you're blaming him for it. To point out another point of view - children blame others for their hurts. Adults realize we choose to be hurt or not. Not that it's right to let somebody continue to hurt us. That's what boundaries are for. That's what experience is for. Experience teaches us that nobody is "perfect" not even those of us asking the questions.

In other words, the hurt you feel is your reaction to things that happened around you and your way of dealing with them. But I have to ask, is it really your H that hurt you?? Is there more to that? Curious to know.

Regardless of whether or not you figure out which road to take you have a hard road to travel. If you leave, you have that hard road to travel and it won't be a bed of roses no matter how you view it now. That will go on for many years.

If you stay and find a way to open your heart to the man you married and have a family with, it also won't be easy. You are both behind a protective wall and hurling stones and expectations. Overcoming those is not going to be a bed of roses either but may have a more fulfilling outcome than starting your life over.

We're wired to want relationships, CV. It's how we're made. We can fight it. But you'll want one. It seems right now you feel like you can pick better and it would be so much easier if your H makes the choice for you. That's weak and flawed thinking. Nobody is perfect, but if you leave and are very very lucky, you'll find somebody who is willing to work on those imperfections with you. That's about the best you'll be able to hope for. That won't be possible until after you finish figuring out why you want change so much and why you can't open your heart to a man you once loved so deeply. Until then, you'll be going through the motions and will have some happiness and much work to do...

How do you learn to trust somebody you no longer do? Forgiveness isn't the answer. It's part of the answer. There's much much more.

Peace,
AJ