When I look at it, my W and my problems are all borne from insecurities - on both our parts. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide well enough. I was afraid I she would leave me, as all my previous relationships did. She was afraid she wasn't sexy enough or that a man could love her for being her self.
The saddest thing is that we made our fears come true, by not working with each other to help on another feel secure and supported. Because we were only vulnerable with ourselves and not each other, the trust broke down.
Rebuilding that trust is at the core of the DB process. Until she stops revising history, that can't really happen.
Again - you're lucky that the OM is such a complete douche. That does help her see that Prince Charming isn't a reality. But I imagine she will suffer a bit of a backlash toward you. The fantasy she based her actions on is proving not to be true. This will make her a bit defensive. You are (in her mind) the source of the problem. So when she feels disappointed in her OM, she may take it out on you for forcing her into the situation to begin with.
Screwed up thinking? Yeah. But typical from what I can tell. So just be ready for it and don't react. Just respond with quiet support.
I genuinely find that thinking of my W as being crazy helps me to detach from a lot of this kind of behavior. I'm certainly not trying to insult her with this, but looking at her actions and thinking, they aren't that of a rational person. And, though she has tons of friends, she is actually alone in this process. Her friends are lazy and immature in their love of her, so they just "support" her thinking and tell her that she is right and must stay strong. So thinking of my W as being tremendously confused, with a bunch of people pushing her to keep being confused, allows me to feel tremendous sympathy for her.
I know you want this to be over quickly and for your lives to get back to "normal" but it isn't going to happen that way. It is going to take some time, a lot of work - even if she comes back, and things will never be what they were. That said, I believe they can become better than what they were, but it is going to mean changing on both your parts.
You might want to check out Mort Fertel's site and book. He tends to focus on actions to take to improve your marriage. For me, anyway, it is nice to have a list of things I can do each day to improve how I interact with my W. Not that I get to practice them much!!
