The one thing I would like to suggest is don't bring up the past anymore, accept what he told you it was good and have your good memories. If you ask again he may start to rewrite it and give you answers that will crush you!
i agree - i'll write myself a note- i forget and wonder what the heck i heard and what i imagined. i have trouble taking all this stuff in when i'm emotionally charged up - and then being able to straighten it all out inmy mind, recall, digest, etc. i am not at my best in those conversations.
back in fl - last time we "talked" about this junk - he was doing a major re-write. it was amazing that he'd even try and pass it off as real. i told him he was losing his marbles. if he thought he was speaking accurately- then he'd better go get committed - that's how wacked out it was.
i swear- my theory about distortion of major proportions takng place inside the troubled brain - when no verbal outlet of one's ideas. they get soooo insane - and goofy and seem so okay- it's scary. noticed with my alcoholic sister , who also had some serious mental problems . it's sad as hell - don't get me wrong- but it must sound okay while it's inside their heads.
Quote:
I would not bring things up for a while again, just be yourself.
i know- believe me i was sorry as hell the minute i began to speak and realized it was the very thing i was ill-prepared to do. i do not want to hear some thing FINAL FROM HIM- yet i am crazy being on hold for soooooooo long. sometimes i think nothing can be worse than this not-knowing junk. the uncertainty kills ya. me - Not being able to feel accepted for who i am (*anymore) makes it difficult to just chill out and be me. i can feel that i'm not just free & easy. he doesn't know that he is not able to be hmself with me- when he's got this junk going on. we're able to interact pretty okay and companionable- but there's this - disconnect thing. i feel compelled to hold back any affection or warmth usually- and same for him. it's sad. maybe he doesn't feel it- sometimes i get close- we got this big honkin "thing" between us - stopping us
he thinks it's perfectly logical and fine (somehow) to have a good friend and let it go down that road. i think he's out of his tree. i don't know what i will accept- honestly, after a point i don't see myself living with her in the mix forever. i just think, if i'm honest & realistic, at some point it kills what i still do feel (whatever that is).
Quote:
You want to start really thinking about what boundaries you are going to implement, you really need to do this much, step back from him as an H and see if you can just get along while he's there as people. No R talk, thoughts, actions, just two people, to see if that connection is still there at least.
I would go as far as friendly contact as a greeting if that's what you do, and nothing else. Don't treat him like a leper though, just don’t be on guard. Do the same things you did when you first met him and were just getting to know him.
you know - wierdly enough - we can do this- be "buds" and get along. keep it light. it's me that feels churned up inside sometimes becasue i want it to be more - from him i want to feel the affection like i used to. i know it's bad form- i don't express that or say it- or act like it- i'm casual & cool. i wouldn't think i exude affection either- he's kind of leading us along here- he apparently "saves" himself for her. gag gag gag, It's that his tail doesn't wag around me most of the time anymore- i am insulted & hurt about it. yeah, i know- stow it.
i don't treat him like a leper. I can't even remember flirting- i know i used to- have to think about how that goes.
Quote:
quote:"Perspective changes our attitude. Changing our attitude breathes hope into us. Hope. Like sunshine, it only breaks through to us when we remove the clouds of self-pity". Sit quietly and having answers come to you?
if i had to say- it's not so much self-pity as needing to re-construct what the heck has gone on- so i can understand. or begin to. don't know why it seems important to know it all- just does. i won't bring up past again. being suddenly plunged into this giant cesspool of suspicion- i have a hard time seeing beyond it. it's an awful & dangerous place i guess- re-inspecting the past. i'll try and quit it now. fingers crossed.
as far as self-pity- i'd say i've been jacked up royally- i don't say he had a gun to my head. i was a fool gladly i guess- it was my personality and decision to be trusting & put good spin on things. he views anythng in the universe that isn't praise of him as me being a "victim". he's such a jerk in that respect- no one has feelings at all but him.....
needing to re-construct what the heck has gone on I hear you, but my experience is that there are no answers that will satisfy me enough to justify or make me feel any better.
it was my personality and decision to be trusting & put good spin on things. - no one has feelings at all but him.....
That's how I feel...like I was fooled or a fool. I guess that's what it feels like to be hit sideways. But, we have to get past that feeling in order to get back to ourselves.
Life has become all about H, no one else matters, deserves respect or has a hard time in life. That's who they are now I guess, maybe always deep down it was who there really where.
We are the best people we know...why is it so hard to give us the same kid glove treatment we give them? I really don't want to go back to my R as now that I am on the outside looking back, it was not enough for me.
H was not enough of a giver of himself, there were yrs of isolation which translates to neglect for me. ME! YOU! WE have to learn these are better words to use in our vocabulary!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I just ran over to my sisters for another cup of coffee and (she's got some) christmas cookies. we chatted a bit about this and that.
i'm back swirling round, changing sheets, etc. an old friend is visiting this afternoon. the very least a person should be able to expect is a bathroom that is not scary.
ANYWAY- SO HERE AM I thinking about "talking" to you this morning- and honestly- i am also thinking about possibility of h seeing ow day before he comes here.
that he "checks in" when he gets home- what for? to make sure i'm still there??? is that what this all is- a stupid game and he dances with danger - goes up to see this ow and has - what? wonderful time - then comes home to see if i'm still hanging in there? is that all it is???
like when you bite down on that sore tooth to see if it still hurts.
so- i'm wondering if it's SOOOOOO UNSTOMACHABLE ALL OF A SUDDEN because it's christmas time and we all should be happy and feeling the good will of the season and here are we- miserable little specimens all crapped on and unhappy???
so- is that all there is??? is it because of christmas and other times of the year it seems less disgusting to be unhappy- or swallowing this junk and "trying" and so on???
is this incredibly simple - or incredibly complex??? sometimes it seems one- sometimes the other.
this ow thing is absolutely gross and when you say you dread the 12 days and his phone calls, etc.- you know- me too.
why do i need to feel aprehensive walking around a corner in case he's got her on the phone- text or computer. i know i just blanket it over and HATE technology.
maybe i just hate him- and don't have the guts to face it yet. maybe he's a security blanket because of longevity- but nothing more. maybe maybe maybe - blah blah blah.
see what i mean??? is it me (us?) or the season - or them (well, we KNOW it's them) but hwat the heck are we doing with this knowledge? should we be doing someting- or still laying low and flying below the radar. will they get ugly if we force the "end".??? one wonders. i don't think you know aperson til they are cornered- i'm always afraid of giant conflict. it's me- no apology. (can't we all just get along).
can we tra la thru the holiday? wtf dawn????....
is this what you're feeling today? yikes !! tranquilizers anyone???
Nero - relax! It's not the holiday, it's going to be there when the days pass, and H will leave, come back and nothing will have changed. NO, it is what it is without excuse.
These guys are dug so deep in their stand for what they are going to do it is up to us to stop, get a grip, and come to some kinda reality that we need to back away from the R, (not the man cause that isn't going to happen) and start to do what we need to do.
Your right! It is in our time at our discretion. Maybe we don't like having so much power of choice, IDK. But, were the only one's who can do this. I think more that it's we don't what the power, we have to get over wanting what we want (our lives back) and move the F** on with our lives.
I feel very snarky these days and it does help me get stronger. My face book cover page says: when I stop giving a F** about you, good luck getting that back! I don't hate you, I'm just done with you! My aunts and cousins went into a tail spin wondering what the hell happened to sweet little dawn.
Well she's on hold until someone deserve her to come back. It does get easier when you stop caring so much about h and what he's doing!
BTW Your post on my thread is there, I don't think it's lost.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
oh cripes - you're so rite- wish i could relax. i know i've said to you a thousand times - i feel so "done" with this all.
this is the very first time i ever thought to myself- maybe there is no way back. he's pushed it too darn far! he was saying yesterday that he's been down there alone almost the whole time except a few days with her- wtf - does he think any time with her is okay- what planet is this guy living on????? that's where i just had to say "when you're with her- i hate you. " do you think anything is okay with me?
idk either- about anyting anymore. aside from fact that my house is now cleaner than in a long long time. been running arouold friend coming over- he's n town for holiday- he got divorced a year or so ago- just a hanging buddy kinda guy. he had same deal but rite off the bat just told his wife - pick- him or me.
she picked other guy. who knows - we talk and talk about wtf - no one does know.. ya know? anyway - we laugh like hell aboutolden days and so on- so should be okay and chill-worthy.
it's soooo pitiful - everyone's stories. windy outside - what is going on here with this weather? doesn't know if it's winter or spring or what.
i don't know why this is bugging me so darn muc. i think of h and ow - i think of his possiblity of seeing her in town before he leaves (my fabrication by the way) but doable. she's got family in town- may be coming in. I can't beli3ve he's coming here on the 23rd. wtf - why the heck bother? what the heck can christmas with me mean to him if he can barely get her for it. what the heck am i decorating house for- who the heck does this guy think he is? and who is he- by the way anyway.
i want to just call and ask him rite out- then i want to say HAVE HER. YOU PICKED - YOU GOT IT.
Good morning - Just checking in to see how your doing! They said we are expecting snow for the first time this year, maybe that will be nice!
I haven't spoken to H for 2 days, no real reason, I'm just not in the mood to tip toe around my actions and words (still snarky) so I opted not to talk instead of changing my attitude.
Seriously, he makes me sick 3.75% of the time he's home and the other time things fluctuate from nice to eehh! The nice is nice and I'm not going to take away from that but it's not my life!
I think it's nice your having a house guest. I actually like guest, sometimes it can be so fun. You sound like your doing good things with yourself in the midst of all the crap. I do believe even though were feeling like we are, that we are actually growing and learning, maybe even detaching more that we know.
Here's hoping!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i'm joining you in hoping this is having some effect in life that is good in the long run.
i'm feeling kind of nutty- took a little baby tranquilizer i have around from ancient times (they're soooo old- but still seem to take the edge off) it's amazing how long - maybe five years at least!! YAY!!!
ANYWAY- feeling a bit chilled. visited like mad - long and hard. this guy is funny- but sure can talk. we clash over politics a bit- but it was fun - even dragged him over to visit with mom since knows her too from olden days. nice change of pace for her-
so- painted this morning for last several hours, just an little project i wanted to make for several friends & my neice. they came out good- so yay -just need to finish and gliter up a bit.
need to wash hair and go shop- h called a couple times from the flea market in fl - about somestuff he was finding- should he get- did i want? i swear- sometimes it's so same as my life used to be- i forget it's not. that nothing has changed (i guess anyway- in his head or heart).
i don't like fee3ling exiled. and i do. he doesn't get it- that fl was my place to live for 30+ years too. i don't know what to think or do about me being more demanding- i sure am not a demanding person. i'd prefer to have what is offered in life- rather than be demanding.
never sure if it's genuinely given if i DEMAND. KNOW WHAT i mean? oh well- i'm too tired to go around and round in my brain today- onto the hair- the shopping- dropping off mom's laundry - etc. lots of "chores" which i totally fritter my life away doing- which actually - don't mean a thing - just hampster in the wheel.
i need some meaning & purpose- auhhhh- me and everyone in the universe huh? i'd say the eternal quest of most humans- find meaning....
wish me luck. i'm working on sending out vibes to the universe for a really really superlative 2013 and changes that make us all happier - i'll leave it there.
hope your day is good- i'd love some snow. we've had really alot of rain and rathr warmish weather- i'm soo discomboobilated - i don't care much. maybe i'll start caring today and get some spirit- a girl can hope0==
Your sound like such a great hearted women. We are both such saps for love and companionship it's crazy to think anyone (in their right mind) would put us through such horrible trials. Does God really not give us more than we can handle?
Your days to come with your H home are going to be trying at best. I pray that he keeps his sh!t to himself and only gives you the best of what you deserve. These mlc'ers here have really got some nerve how the're willing to treat others especially the L of their life.
I feel that when a person, not matter who they are, eventually needs to push on and remove themselves from being abusive and ignorant and just be gone.
I am making almond crescent cookies remembering how I would then roll them in powdered sugar and present them to H, a small plate just for him, no sharing with kids. I never neglected him as some H's say because I became a mom, I always took time to make him be special, be L'ed.
WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! My H says that to me so much, I have to convince myself he's right, and no amount of changing (hair, makeup) will get him to change, it's his crazy ride. Your H was with you for so long, don't believe for a second, your the bad guy here!!!!!
Yea, we're growing balls alright, my S21 said just that, get some mom, or I will lend you mine because your not getting anywhere being so excepting. That's what I call my new snarky attitude. H hates is, he wants me to stay fragile and sweet, bulls--t!
NOw I am sending you good vibes with your H at home, stay strong, stay cool, stay Nero!
((((()))))))
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
NOw I am sending you good vibes with your H at home, stay strong, stay cool, stay Nero!
hey hi- geeez - i'm so wacky, i think i just wrote toyou a minute ago n your thread- and i can't remember if i just read yours or sent mine. duhhhhh.
thanks- i'm trying to grow some as well. maybe the sad truth is that we accepted them and every single little quirk and fault because that is what love is to us- and we've spoiled them.
i'm not saying they get to say it or use it (against us). it stinks and is plain ole wrong. maybe that's the upshot of human love anc caring- some people on the receiving end just take it for granted and end up sucking it up and nothing is ever ENOUGH?!]\\\\
OH WELL- today it's his problem - his neurosis. i'm just riding along- have eaten two sticky buns loaded with sugar and nuts al5eady- and am full (tho, AWARE) OF ALLLL THE wonderful mucnchies around here needing attention.\
i'm such a hopeless junk food addict - well, sweets really and goodies - perfect christmas attitude rite?
you're rite - we can do it and we will. grow ba_ls and all- but we have to VERY CAREFULLY make sure to retain our natures that let us believe in love, kindness, ultruism- and all the things that make us who we are.
i find with my mother- i'm really making a point and fightng hard to be kind and understand the problems of age. the bit where she's just a snottty person and HAS ALWAYS enjoyed the fight and makng some poor sap squirm- may seem newish to me- apparently has alwsy been there for years and years - i'm just obvlious.
ANYWAY- MY POINT - I THINK we can ball up but still retain the best of our natures - even if it involves A HELL OF ALOT MORE covering up our soft parts- that might be crucial too- self-defense of a most basic nature.
if our only crime with these guys (all the usuals aside) is tht we loved too darn hard and too thoroughly and too slavishly- well, we can work on the slavish- maybe still keep the rest??? i'm thinkng that might be me-
i can become more patient- detached and diplomatic. i'm not sure i want 5to let go of my notions of what true love is?
i'm still trying hard to participate in believing about hte lighthouse- mlc and the bit of "this is the "thin" of thick and thin.
we'll see how that goes. glad you're STILL STANDING>
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR - TO ANYONE ROAMNG BY.
I HOPE WE ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR COMING - AND THAT 2013 BRING ALLLL KINDS OF SUCCESS (OR UNDERSTANDING) OR EVEN MORE FORTITUDE TO US ALL-
A YEAR AGO- I WAS SOOOO darn "in a fog" and just going thru the motions in life. i'm not cured - and neither is my h or my sitch - HOWEVER i at least feel a bit more perky- am still here trying (dbing) - actually get creative now or then and can enjoy some of the things i normally do in life- rather than a year ago totaly miserable & living in land of the living dead -
so yay and i'm grateful for it- and for this place to come to and for everyone tht's shared their story & wisdom.
thanks- it would be a different story & life for me i'm sure if i'd never found this- for bettr or worse.
good luck to everyone - maybe we'll all achieve some success & peace of mind in 20l3- and i'll take it. whatever comes...
hope everyone out there comes thru this with a new appreciation for their own strength of character xxoo
