Last night my H went to work, and later I get a text from him at 2a saying "been drinking. Staying at Jim's tonight. Good night." so I texted back for him to call me, to which he replied, "No. talk tomorrow, going to sleep." I was really hurt and disgusted, because it seems like there's always something else, and this is the first time he has claimed to be sleeping somewhere else. He's been drinking a lot more these days, and often comes home after having a few, after (or during) work. I don't know what would make this night any different, and I didn't necessarily trust what he was saying. I wrote him back something about "too drunk to drive, but you can drive to Jim's side of town" and eventually fell back to sleep. I was pretty angry about it though, and couldn't believe he was not coming home.
At about 5:30a, he texts back "whatever". I started to write back but stopped. I just felt like a &%$ doormat. I couldn't understand why he'd sleep at some guy's studio apt now, when all the other times he just comes home. My mind was racing with thoughts of "Detach more? Leave? Be patient? Don't mention it? Put my foot down??" I finally said a prayer about it and went back to sleep.
20 minutes later he comes home (about 6a). He walks in and this was our conversation:
Me "What are you doing?"
H: (slurring) I don't want to answer a bunch of questions, if you want me to leave I will.
Me: I just don't understand what's going on with you. What do you mean, you'll leave?
H: tonight, if you want me to leave I can go somewhere. I don't want to talk about anything, I want to sleep.
Me: I just don't know what you're doing anymore. You texted me in the middle of the night, so you involved me in it.
H: I didn't want to worry you.
Me: why did you come home now?
H: I couldn't sleep and I'm sick. I'm going to sleep, I'm going to sleep til 11, clear out some stuff in the house for the (new) house cleaning person, and go to work tomorrow. I don't know why you think that it's about another person.
Me: I didn't say it was about that. I I don't even know if you love me anymore. I have a husband who doesn't make it home from his work shift and has been drinking almost every night. I'm concerned about you. I don't know you right now.
H: I haven't stayed out late a lot. I always come home.
Me: You came home at 4am a few weeks ago. I have no idea what you do, and I haven't been asking.
H: that was one time! In these last 3 months since I've been going through something, I would've been with someone by now if that's what I was doing.
Me: I didn't say I thought you were with someone, but I have no idea what you're doing, because you don't tell me. I care about you, I'm your wife, and you've completely checked out emotionally. Do you want me to smile as I watch you destroy yourself?
Then I went to sleep. I saw a receipt for a bar last night near his job, so I guess that's where he was. I don't know if I believe he went to this other guy's apt. Part of me doesn't believe he was out drinking with him either. But what do I do? It's like things have been getting better in some ways, but worse or totally removed in others. What he said last night led me to believe that he is going through stuff that doesn't have to do with me, although his reasoning for not being intimate or close to me in any way is because of me. I can't keep taking blame for everything. I am still working on how I can avoid explosive arguments, and instead try to come at it from a calm (sometimes) demeanor, but I honestly don't know what to do here.
