improvements w H but still no closeness. Now what?

[sandi2]

What I'm about to say does not mean he's right, okay? Being a man, he sees everything different than we women do. You may call it having a conversation...but he calls it a fight. That's how he sees it. Anytime you refer (that includes asking questions) about any issue the two of you have had since things started to break down...he sees it as a fight. He has told you he decided to put his foot down and have no more. Girl, that is a bright red message to you and you best listen to him. Stop bringing up the issues! He will not (maybe b/c he cannot) resolve it through discussions. If you keep pushing it, he will leave you.

I know how frustrating it is b/c my H doesn't talk about anything that is deeper than small talk. He doesn't work things out through talk. He hates the words, "can we talk?"

A lot of men think any serious talking about the M is nagging, or the other word. I once read that whenever a woman says it over one time...a man thinks she is nagging at him. Imagine! It appears your H does not intend to listen to you discuss the M problems any more. And, if you persist, he will put up a thicker & higher wall. Trust me, it will do you more damage than good. You are not going to change his ways by talking.

He said he doesn't like it b/c you just "keep going". Women tend to bring up EVERYTHING in the past. We start.....and one thing leads to other things that's happen over the years and first thing you know....he closed his ears and wants you to close your mouth! Some men say few words to express what they want to say, while we tend to be very wordy. That is a big turn-off to a lot of men. I know how hard it is, I really do!

The other thing he doesn't intend to deal with when you start with these talks is your emotions. He doesn't cooperate or won't say what you want and you start to get frustrated, hurt, and then angry. They can't deal with it and usually shut down.

I don't have the answers for you where your need for physical intimacy is concerned. If it is the sex you need, then be plain about it and tell him. If you have and still get no response, then I'd suggest you up your GAL into very, very high gear. I'm not telling you to go get sex from somebody, but apparently, he isn't too worried that you will. Maybe you need to be gone more often. Be mysterious!

Look, I was the WAS. I'm telling you that the WAS takes his/her mate for granted! Doesn't that stir your blood a little? He's not worried about the fact you are doing without sex. In fact, based on your post, he kind of sounds like he is punishing you. And as long as you follow him around accepting any crumbs he may throw at you.....he won't treat you like you need to be treated. I haven't read your thread in quiet some time, and can't remember details, but I'd be safe in saying that if this isn't the first time he's cheated, and you are the one who is wanting him to return to your bed.....you're selling yourself too cheap! I'm not trying to insult you. I am trying to tell you that your WAH does not value you like he should. He makes all the decisions. You said it....he is control of the R. Why is that? Why isn't he the one who is worried? He's not worried about losing you EVEN THOUGH HE CHEATED MORE THAN ONCE. Stop being a clingy wife! It isn't attractive. He isn't attracted or he would be in your bed. You have to have the physical improvements with the attitude you are a strong, sexy, valuable woman who any man would be crazy for not making her top priority in life.

Oh, and about the rings. He's right, nobody notices! But you make a big deal out of it and he's turned off by it.

He needs to wonder about you. He needs to be the one chasing you. But I can tell you that a WAS hates it when the S shows insecurity and weakness. Their POV about those traits are not how it should be, but it is what it is.

Don't settle for being his "best" gal. (If I remember right, it was his pet name for you, but you see my point?) Put yourself up high on the pedestal and shine so bright it knocks his eyes out. Most of all, let him see that you are priceless. When he sees you in that light.....he'll want you. He won't want to take the chance of losing someone that great.

Please, do not think I'm suggesting that GAL should be loose living, bar hoping, flirting, etc. Sometimes that may work with a few....but sometimes it backfires. But I do think you need to be out when he is in. Then, don't answer his questions, just be vague about your activities. Someday, when the M is stable, it won't have to be like this...but now it does.