Regarding her talking about OM, Jody (DB coach) has said I should acknowledge the comment but then say something like 'modern relationships can be hard' and then change the subject.
For the last two weeks (since the announcement of the fact that she is not in a relationship with him) his name has not come up once. What that really means is anyone's guess I suppose! Could be just trying to keep me placated.
When she moves out (small temp rental until May 1st) the communication will have to drop off a lot. I will be on my a-game when I do see her but the way things are right now cannot continue going forward.
The interesting thing is that the other week she said that she was scared to let me know her though process on this whole thing and that she didn't expect me to sit around and wait for her to figure all this out. She also at that time suggested that we could call it a temporary separation but that she didn't think that was the right thing to say seeing as feelings for OM were involved.
I'm hoping some time away from each other will help in some ways. Its been toxic under the same roof for the last 8 weeks. No trust, lots of changes and then me trying to DB in amongst it all and failing miserably some days with my emotions running wild!
I have no expectations at this point, only some hope that what I am doing will get noticed and maybe give me a fighting chance.
I know things are improving with us in general relationship terms and I guess I just have to be in this for the long haul. Its only been 2 months in all honesty but it feels like 2 years already!! As Jody said, I have to look at this like we are back at just being friends and work from there. We are at step 1 but I'm still thinking we are at step 3.
That's what happened to me. The weeks leading to my H's leaving were hellish. I feel for you. Practice DBing as much as you can. It's not Jan 1st yet, and you never know...
So I have decided that I need to flush my mind of thinking of ways to make her change her mind. Its doing me no good whatsoever.
I cannot change something that I have no control over. I can only control me!
The last 2 months have been hell really. I feel that I have been as understanding as a man in my position could possibly be. Yes, there have been bad days where the hurt and anger have come through and yes, there has been a lot of mistrust and arguments on both sides, but generally, I have tried to be as supportive and friendly to my wife as possible whilst also using the DB advice to try and make improvements that would help our marriage situation.
She now states that the emotional rollercoaster of this last 2 months has left her feeling like she no longer knows me and that she has completely shut the door on us.
My gut feeling tells me that whilst this may be true to a certain extent, her overiding feelings for the OM (I really believe that she thinks she is already in love with this guy) are the real reasons behind all this. This is a man that she barely knows. It all seems so very weird to me.
As my time and communication drops with her after she leaves, I can only have some hope that the reality of life out of the family home will have some effect on her state of mind. She seems to be burying her head in the sand at the moment in terms of those realities and I think that she expects me to be avaialable or come running for her needs even after she has left! Im not going to allow that to happen. She needs to see the consequences of her actions IMHO.
She seems to be burying her head in the sand at the moment in terms of those realities and I think that she expects me to be avaialable or come running for her needs even after she has left! Im not going to allow that to happen. She needs to see the consequences of her actions IMHO.
Does she understand this? If not, you may want to consider informing her at some point. Make it about your principles, not your emotions. In a very calm and matter of fact tone, let her know you will not allow her to disrepect the marriage in this manner and remain friends. No vengeance, just pure principle.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
