Spin Cycle

[JuneReN]

H replied last night to email I sent saying the kids were having a tough time.
His reply was had a busy day, will think about any advice and get back to you tomorrow. Well, I came to a couple of conclusions myself about the kids, wrote him back with insights and his advice was"sounds like you are on right track". And am also adding to list of phrases WAS handbook has is:

Time will help.

Sigh.

Also said I would save him and SIL seats tomorrow for Ds performance, he is like if you are okay with SIL sure ( remember I went off on her, and apologized)

I wrote back that even when you get mad at people it doesn't mean you don't love them or care for them. I apologized and she accepted and to me it is done.

That is never the way H works though, he takes all the slights and hurts and keeps them. That is why this is going to be a long haul....

[JuneReN]

This was in answer to an email about I thought he misunderstood what I wanted in our lives:

.
I do not think there is a misunderstanding at all. You were very clear when we spoke that you did not want me in your life and you did not want to know about mine. I completely and fully understand that. You said you were finally happy and moving on.
If we are not to be involved in each others lives on a personal level then that would leave the children. Again I understand. I will always ask" are you good with that" because I want to respect your boundaries.

My reply;

Ah, see, you are in my life because of the children and I am moving forward everyday. While I am not going into how I feel about you it is my goal to be in exactly the same place should you be back in my life or should we be on separate paths. You know my feelings about you and they haven't changed. What has changed is the finding that happiness comes from within, not without.



He replied with " we said the same thing".

He really wants that level of intimacy and friendship, but I think I had to define this boundary quite clearly and I feel I did it with grace and only a little outside db boundaries.

He brought up the R first, so I continued the topic. Simply stated you know how I feel it hasn't changed as I am aware his haven't changed either. But that is because, possibly, there was still the opportunity for him to hold onto that emotional intimacy.. He has GF, but there is comfort in having someone to fall back on who knows you so well. I think it was a necessity for me ( and him). Me, because I easily mis read signals, especially since I still love him. For him, because it will be sink or swim time eventually and this is something he must do on his own, as he set out on this path without me.

So, no pacifier, no friends, lets set in for the long haul kids. I feel at peace today. Lets hope it lasts until noon...... : p

[tori2012]

Ruby, stay at peace. I see how your H likes to write his feelings down, even though what he says is quite confusing. I think he wants to appear detached but respectful and kind. Think more about what he's getting out of these emails, and what you're getting out of them too.

If he came back to you tomorrow and said he wanted to work on the M, what would you say? How would you feel?

[JuneReN]

I would say lets start with a couple of dates and see how it goes. Since he has had apt in city for four years, I would say MC and continue living apart. There are a lot of unresolved issues in the marriage on both our parts and although I am finding my way it would not be beneficial to either of us if he moved back in, lets say tomorrow. Could I continue to 180 and be at peace, probably not lol! That's why I have such respect for those that still live with their spouses and are dbing. The strength it requires must be amazing!

You think it's confusing try being me lol!

What am I getting out of these emails? Contact because I do not get to see him. Have I initiated any R talk etc. nope. He is trying to respect my boundaries, but can't seem to decide where the line between being friends and being friendly is.
Maybe me neither...I will look at this a little harder

[tori2012]

I see that you have a cautious/guarded attitude, whioh is what you need now, to protect yourself.

My coach says to lean toward actual friendship. There's a guy who posted about his marrying his XW after a year being divorced, and he said he became his XW's close friend before she decided to change her mind.

I know it's hard. All of us women on the board seem to be dealing with the whole friendship thing...

[mamabird]

I'm actually NOT dealing with the friendship thing. My H, who is the WAS - or who started as the WAS - has no interest in being friendly. He's just being, well, he's just not being nice at all. So who knows what that means.

Your H does still love you, I can feel it. I also sense he feels guilty about leaving you. I think you have a chance at putting it back together Ruby once the sheen of OW starts to wear off.

In the meantime, you keep going the way you have been. GAL, flirting... YES! Go buy some new clothes. Look hot. I can tell you are sassy and you should work it.

[littleGTO]

ruby,
I think there is a fine line between friendly and friendship.

As long as OW is involved I intend to remain friendly, but friends, no. That is your call, not his.

Friendly--To act happy outwardly, not cold, maintain good eye contact when talking, not acting desparate to talk or maybe even really interested (but outwardly you appear to be), maintaining an even temper when discussion become tense or stressful, no physicality.

Friendship--Talking about any everyday topic casually w/o purpose, call or text or email at random times just to talk, most subjects open for conversation, some hugs/physicality to show caring, really interested in what they have to say.

I think I would still say friendly unless no OW!

[Soul.Searching]

I'm struggling with the friendly vs friends right now too. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

[JuneReN]

I see that you have a cautious/guarded attitude, whioh is what you need now, to protect yourself.

My coach says to lean toward actual friendship. There's a guy who posted about his marrying his XW after a year being divorced, and he said he became his XW's close friend before she decided to change her mind.

I know it's hard. All of us women on the board seem to be dealing with the whole friendship thing...

Yep. I think it is hard to know where that line is and honestly is shifts an awful lot for me. In my case, being friendly is "Hey how's it going? Passed my exam, want to get a quick coffee, talk about kids, schedules" That may be friends for H, but he also wants to talk about his life, and I really have no interest in hearing about the OW and his new friends etc. None.
So I said personal lives are off limits. What I do will get back to him because of the small town I live in (thanks Forest!!) and the circle of friends we share for activity based stuff. So, by not knowing about his life, I am protecting myself while I heal and give myself the opportunity to continue to grow and explore. Will there be times that I hear through the grapevine? Yep, and I know that I will be sad and probably a bit obssessive etc, but if this type of friendship is the definition, then if I do not contact for a few days, it is not seen as unusual, or if I do not respond right away, he does not think something is up.

I realize the goal is to detach, but I know I am not there yet, so my steps are to help me get there

I'm actually NOT dealing with the friendship thing. My H, who is the WAS - or who started as the WAS - has no interest in being friendly. He's just being, well, he's just not being nice at all. So who knows what that means.

Your H does still love you, I can feel it. I also sense he feels guilty about leaving you. I think you have a chance at putting it back together Ruby once the sheen of OW starts to wear off.

In the meantime, you keep going the way you have been. GAL, flirting... YES! Go buy some new clothes. Look hot. I can tell you are sassy and you should work it.

Regretful, I wish I was a millionaire because I want to fly over and hug the cr@p out of you!! You are so amazing, your situation, your advice and just who you are. It's not who you are becoming, I maintain that that person has always been there, we just lost her for a little while.
You find her and tell her to be happy, you don't need no stinkin' validation from others, get it from yourself!!

TG- you have been a rock ((())))

SS- keep struggling,as I said above I think that line is fluid and changes depending on the sitch and who you are and who you were. In my case, I was cold then hot, then ignoring then snooping etc. It is my goal to maintain a steadier state. I have blown it recently by having a very cold convo with SIL but apologized to her. Although H is confused with the friend/friendly thing, he must be pulling his hair out lol!! To him, friendly doesn't include saving a seat at D's concert for him...? Weird, I know, but he doesn't seem to know where my boundary is, but I said, private lives remain just that, private. In our sitch, the trust has to come back and communication must be point blank, or the spaces get filled with misinterpretations. It may be different in your case.

[bustingout]

Ruby I struggle too. Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally ready to be 'friends'. Then I remember PA/OW. I remain 'friendly only' since I found out about PA. When he is in town, he is here a lot with the kids. Thats been tough to navigate. I think I am still not solid enough to not get expectations up when this happens (as I have posted recently), so 'friendly only' seems to be the best option for now, given our kids.

Sometimes I think, why can't I just treat him like an ex boyfriend? Or even, someone I like and just want to hang out with. No expectations, yet friendly...maybe even becoming friends.

I also fear being too friendly and being looked upon as a fool by him.

I think it takes awhile to truly develop a friendship after this trauma. Not that it is impossible, but it needs to be mutual, with repeat and trust. Sometimes I feel I could at some point. I don't see H being ready to do that though. He has put up a very thick wall between us.

Just my thoughts. I think focus on 'friendly only' rather than 'friends' for now. Friends involves trust.

((((((( ))))))