I just ran over to my sisters for another cup of coffee and (she's got some) christmas cookies. we chatted a bit about this and that.
i'm back swirling round, changing sheets, etc. an old friend is visiting this afternoon. the very least a person should be able to expect is a bathroom that is not scary.
ANYWAY- SO HERE AM I thinking about "talking" to you this morning- and honestly- i am also thinking about possibility of h seeing ow day before he comes here.
that he "checks in" when he gets home- what for? to make sure i'm still there??? is that what this all is- a stupid game and he dances with danger - goes up to see this ow and has - what? wonderful time - then comes home to see if i'm still hanging in there? is that all it is???
like when you bite down on that sore tooth to see if it still hurts.
so- i'm wondering if it's SOOOOOO UNSTOMACHABLE ALL OF A SUDDEN because it's christmas time and we all should be happy and feeling the good will of the season and here are we- miserable little specimens all crapped on and unhappy???
so- is that all there is??? is it because of christmas and other times of the year it seems less disgusting to be unhappy- or swallowing this junk and "trying" and so on???
is this incredibly simple - or incredibly complex??? sometimes it seems one- sometimes the other.
this ow thing is absolutely gross and when you say you dread the 12 days and his phone calls, etc.- you know- me too.
why do i need to feel aprehensive walking around a corner in case he's got her on the phone- text or computer. i know i just blanket it over and HATE technology.
maybe i just hate him- and don't have the guts to face it yet. maybe he's a security blanket because of longevity- but nothing more. maybe maybe maybe - blah blah blah.
see what i mean??? is it me (us?) or the season - or them (well, we KNOW it's them) but hwat the heck are we doing with this knowledge? should we be doing someting- or still laying low and flying below the radar. will they get ugly if we force the "end".??? one wonders. i don't think you know aperson til they are cornered- i'm always afraid of giant conflict. it's me- no apology. (can't we all just get along).
can we tra la thru the holiday? wtf dawn????....
is this what you're feeling today? yikes !! tranquilizers anyone???
