Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

Thanks guys. I just had my session with my IC. I seem to be pretty clear that it's time for a break. Good advice on seeing a L. I'm definitely considering it a "trial" separation but in H's mind that means no lawyers. It's probably a good idea though to just talk to a L to make sure that my bases are covered. I have a good friend going through a D right now and there was no trial separation. She said she wanted D and asked him to leave.

When I told IC about what had happened at the party, he said, "What's the Universe telling you?" (this is how we CA people think!) Seriously though, call it the Universe, call it a message from God... however you want to look at it - I call it a wake up call.

I probably have oats to sow since I keep seeking other men.

anyone who has cheated could say that, no offense.

25 - No offense taken. Pretty clear that that's true. I could have dealt with my anger towards H in many other ways... though in the case of OM1 it wasn't about being angry at H.

Bug - I don't even feel like the sitch has changed. I feel like I've finally reached the end of the path for now. H has been threatening to move out for months and finally I stopped caring. Is that a sitch change? I don't know.

My issues - well, I think I've said this on here before but I grew up with kind of this skewed view of myself. Went through high school feeling like an ugly duckling. I was kind of nerdy, but not nerdy enough to want to date the nerds. I kind of had no home. Not cool enough to be with the cool kids either. I certainly didn't feel attractive.

That changed when I got to college, but I never really had a boyfriend in college either. For some reason it never worked out. I probably was over eager and it showed. But in the end, I walked away with the impression that I was not good enough. I didn't believe that I was.

My fear, Bug, is fear of rejection. And the fear of failure.

But now, I've been rejected by my H for 6 months (and longer, just not as awfully)... and I've lived through it. I got rejected by my horrible boss for years, and I lived through it.

At the beginning of the summer, I felt like I was a complete failure - couldn't make the job work out, couldn't make the relationship work out. Then I started to think about all the boyfriends I didn't have, all the jobs that didn't work out.

On the other hand, I was married for 11 years, and worked at my job almost as long (10.5 years). So is that a failure? Or is it that I've changed beyond the limits of what those two things had to offer me?

Drama triangle - that's certainly interesting. I bet you see me as the victim Bug. But I would see myself more as the rescuer. My H is not a rescuer type, but in the last few years I've felt that I need much more of that. Maybe we're both victims now and there's no rescuer. I am sure I was looking to OM1 to fill that role. I know I was.

So yes, now I am working on me, and working on becoming that person that I want to be. Mach 1 challenged me on this. I want to start by being less angry and more joyful. More accepting and less judging. I have no more excuses not to be that way. I don't even feel angry at H (at the moment).

Now it is time to get up and dust myself off. Put on my game face and move forward. I've heard a saying that goes something like, "It's not how you fall, it's how you get up that matters." And I think that has to be true.