I am so stuck...I don't want this but he won't get help. Can't live with him, can't put him in a hospital!
It's so true- in their zeal to protect the rights of the individual- they've made it really hard to help people who might really need it- but don't have the presence of mind to get it.
i have one bit of info (at least this is the sitch in nj) there are state mental health places that will give help people can afford if they ask -BUT THERE IS ALSO part of that agency- you'd have to call around a bit - that IF YOU FEEL THE PERSON is a danger to themselves (death talk?) or others - a representative of the mental health organization will come to pick up the person with a couple police men - and they will take him/her to get help. whether they agree or not- they'll treat it as an emergency situation and do it.
i was going to call them once for my alcoholic sister (clearly not eating and doing herself damage) but my mom and h talked me out of it. they kept saying it wasn't time to be that drastic- my mom said the police would tramatize her to death. well, she ended up drinking herself to death- so i'm sorry now i was so equivocal at the moment. it may or may not have "saved" her- who knows? i'm such a ween...
i'm just throwin this in in case you have such a state body up there that might be a help in your sitch. if it was a way you seriously wanted to go.
Maybe also - baker act him if you get really scared he'll do something crazy. i think it just takes two relatives swearing a person is a danger to self or others. somethinglike that.
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We have our moments of tenderness, closeness, family laughs and even talk of the next yr plans. But, it is so temporary, so limiting in it's value, because he's so inconsistant, with himself.
so, i'm wondering , in the end - how do you really rate those moments? are they something at all? a tiny chink of light shining thru or just flukes? i feel the same way- i wonder also if they are something or nothing.
sometimes i think h forgets that he is supposed to view me as "the enemy" and just acts like himself. the guy i knew that was just fine with me. who cannot be allowed to like me now because he is busy making me the reason - for his treason.hey- i'm rhyming here-
maybe your h too? he just forgets he's not supposed to be letting himself love you right out- because then he's got to do the hard thing of ditching ow or confronting what she really is to him.??? (as in - if she were HIS LIfE and BREATH - wouldn't he have tried like heck to win her and jump straight into whatever r there full throttle?)
i've asked that- "if she's soooo wonderful - what in the hell are you waiting for?? if she's the big Love- go have it. you'd be a fool not to." blank look - no reply - what's the hesitation??? wtf???
i personally think this ow stuff is an addiction of one sort or another. it produces those feel good endorphens and they press the button to get the treat *(sorry, but much like the rats they are). no more- no less. just an unthinking action that gets a good feeling.
that they are cremating someone that loves them- just a nuisance and something that does the exact opposite- makes them feel guilty and BAD - hence, aversion to us.(blaming us for their unhappiness instead of their life, problems or personal unfullfillment)
i'd think it's their own conscience that makes us soooo objectionable. and their own - what??? heart in there??? that makes them so unable to just walk out and take a chance on new person.
of course- you know better what hell it is to deal with someone depressed like your H - mine is merely terminally narcissistic i guess. if he thinks he "lost himself" in our life together- he should take a look in my brain. like an ant in a tornado. ya wanna see lost??????
(well, in the r) i am "lost". as a person- i know who i am. i know what life has to offer- i've had people die forever - and i know what is good when i have it. not one r in the universe is perfect all across the board. They are fools to let go of what they had with us- it sounds egocentric i know- but honestly. how do you save someone that wants to just "go down"? i don't know if this is me letting myself & you off the hook - or what? HEY- YOU TOLD ME- WE CANNOT SAVE THEM.
WE CAN ONLY save ourselves!!!
like the spiel about alcoholism - you have to let them hit "rock bottom" and want to stop themselves. Even when i asked if rock bottom means dying- apparently the knowledge is that you cannot stop it -????!!!! i will never know if that's rite or wrong. my best sister did in fact drink til she died - and i stood by being her friend- but not dragging her to salvation somehow. ....
with this - i don't think we'll ever get to know either. different words - but hence the db spiel of : it's their journey. they have to make it alone.
if i'm totally honest (God i hate the sap i am) the moments of "connection" make me feel one tiny grain "better" . in some wierd way. i can't even say it gives me hope for us because honestly- we're not even married. this guy can't commit- probably never will. and i'm thinking it's not good enough any more.
I am so sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop - and of course, appalled at the years i spent trying to understand and figure out what's bothering him. i fear wasting my life on this hopeless situation - or giving up too soon???!!! cripes - what a jerk huh?????
If they perk up before you or i just jump ship- maybe there's a chance. if they allow us to become more and more detached and unfulfilled til we just blow up & away one day - , then i think they managed to just kill the whole thing- and end up old men who regret it. but we move on and away. (well- you'll have kids in common so you'll know how he ends up ) me, i'd say i drift away and never see his face again.
i hate thought of living all alone forever- but i hate thought of being a jerk like this for the rest of my life. i'd like security - somehow. i guess he is my security blanket if i'm honest - of some kind at this moment. but i hate the thought of just being some dope hanging on in a life that is not what I WANT TOO - If he's going to be going around all mooning after other people - grass is greener kind of thing.
maybe i just have too much imagination and think people are capable of anything - h thinks he will never ever change and his thoughts now are etched in stone- no backs.
i'm still trying to get harder and harder myself - steeling myself for day when h ends it all. or i do. i don't know how else it could go- with me here in this place - accessible to him- i don't think he'll ever tire of her or "that" - why would he? A FUN DIversion - he really does have both worlds.
knowing i'm here - "for him" probably makes it seem very fun & okay. he isn't able to imagine no me in his life - AT ALL. I THINK. maybe it wouldn't make a diff. - but i'm thinking after a few years of me being totally GONE - he might remember how good it really was til he screwed it all up. big time. as far as his lighthouse- maybe if he doesn't want to find his way back- this ole lighthouse is sittin on her rock all alone for nothin.
sorry to be dreary today.
there's really nothing to hang my hat on- i'm running out of patience & intestinal fortitude too - i'd think like you. BUT - I'M NOT WALKIN OUT THE DOOR EITHER- it's hard to keep faith when it's all soooo nebulous as someone elses (wacked out) psyche. YOUR H,
I THINK you're having some despair because it's Christmas and dreary & hopeless seeming- EVEN IF IT IS - I'M JUst sayin what that woman attorney said to my friend (which is what holds me back) THINK LONG AND HARD about what exactly you're running out the door to. if it's not alot better- maybe wait a bit- or ride it out a bit. (what? the devil you know?)
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He asked me not to go but really that doesn't have much baring on me.
I would rather get an apt. work and be alone in a sitch were alone doesn't mean lonely, because the crazy guy in the other room is unapproachable, alone means time for myself.
Is this all dreaming on my part, trying to escape, I don't know but it feels very real to me!
Has the bulb gone out in our lighthouse? are we thinking seriously of letting them become wrecked on the shoals?
i don't know- all i know this morning is one thing- you are here agonizing over this. if you are - then you are not at THAT POINT (IMHO) (of total departure) IT'S WHAT i think of myself and alllll my stinking flipping and flopping and so on. you must not be at THE POINT OF NO return- if you are even here saying this. the pull of the past is really strong- maybe for people like us we need to be sure we see it thru til the bitter end. (otherwise - why would someone have made up that expression - bitter end? )
maybe can you be at peace with your resolve to not go away for (a month?) and do it that way? just one more month- one more day- one more hour??? i tell myself that too.
we're just girls who want to be happy- weeding our way thru a stinking mine field- step lightly- keep the faith (in self really) and know that whether you leave today or in a year- it will be the rite thing at the rite time. i'm thinking.
hope your day is okay- the 12 days of christmas will probably not be the hell you anticipate- our imaginations are always the worst - HOWEVER - no expectations is a good thing too.
((((( )))))) xxoo
now- lets hold hands and jump in the water - this next week or two should be real "experiences" in life- can we view it as an experiment in something? us in charge of us? us being impervious to them - us resisting the sucking into their brand of insanity - something......
