Changing Directions

[labug]

I know you sitch has changed a bit over the last 24 hours but I don't think it changes your questions or my answers.

So bug, what was the hole that needed to be filled - for you?

What I've realized just in the past few weeks is that I have a lot more issues to overcome than I thought I had. A lot of insecurity and fear, for starters... lack of self-compassion, as my H pointed out. Not feeling worthy, as evidenced by my reaction to the encounter with Hot Guy. Fear of not being "good enough" - this is learned over years of suffering H's judgment and being made to feel "less than". The idea that if I don't behave in a certain way or conform to someone else's standard that I'm just not good enough.

My issues were much the same but I know exactly where they came from and it wasn't H. I brought it all into the marriage and had no idea how to resolve it. He got the brunt of my reacting out of fear because he was there.

These are all your issues to work on. Perhaps you married someone you thought could save you?

I also have the feeling that I will not be able to really break out of these patterns while married to H. H feels insecure so puts judgment on me to "keep me down" so to speak. I used to be a much freer spirit.

Don't accept his judgment of you.
I thought other people were judging me because I judged other people.
I thought I had to work harder than other to be the model employee, to be liked. And I judged those who, in my eyes, didn't work as hard.
In the quest to be liked, I kept opinions to myself but became resentful and angry...and more resentful and angry.
I thought others didn't like me because, how could they? I didn't like myself.

These were all for me to figure out and work on. No one else can give you self-esteem, no one else can give you what it takes to like yourself.

I need to become a kinder, gentler person... I need to learn to let go of anger and be more zen.... to "act spiritually" even if I don't want to and it's hard. This is the person I want to become.

So what's keeping you from doing those things? You have the power.

What are you really afraid of?

Have you ever heard about the drama triangle? If not, google it.

So this is what I'm working with Bug. I know I need to get "me" back, and not just that, I need to make some improvements. I know I can do it, but I also know that I work better when I have support. I have a lot of friends, I am fine in that dept, and I have you guys. I have a good IC. I wish I could say I'd be fine without a BF but right now I don't feel that way.

We all work better with support but we don't always have support or the sup[port we might want.

That's an excuse.

Again, what are you really afraid of?