I'm glad they didn't show up. I think your xh told your d10 about the ow and coming to the show just so she would tell you. Why? To get you bent out of shape and not enjoy the show. I think I would sit d10 down and talk to her about what she's telling you. I hate to say this, but she may be carrying info back to your xh as well and I don't think you want him to know all of your business. She's old enough to know better and I think once you discuss this w/her, she'll be a lot better about "carrying the mail" to and from the two houses.
Now, about your xh, leave his sorry @ss outside and start enjoying the holiday season. You know that they act up this time of year and you have to learn to shut the door on their antics and try not to allow them to interfere in the light and fun times. You can do this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Snodderly, Yes I was too thinking I either need to have a talk with my little girl or just ignore her.
She is an "informant" by nature. She has to report everything! Even before Xh split. So I too wonder what she's telling Xh. It's pretty clear they have their "dad and me"time for 15 minutes a day when he takes them to school.
Xh is sneaky and loves to listen quietly so he can use this information to his advantage. Granted it wasn't always for mean and cruel intentions. But now that MLC is here and his cycling, one day it could be for good intentions, the next cruel.
So at this point he may know about the two men I was getting to now and possibly going to start dating but never panned out. He probably knows that Mom does talk nicely about Dad and does say nice things about him when it's due. He probably also knows I get irritated as all hell with him and get pissy when he doesn't let anyone know what's going on so we can plan things.
At this point I really don't care what he hears about me, I really don't. Because if I was given the oppurtunity for him to sit down and listen, and I tell him directly, there's nothing I've done or said in regards to him infront of the girls that I would not do infront of him.
It may be a phase she's going through. My sister's d when through it and didn't stop it until someone was saying something about her and it got back to her and it was all scrambled up. Her feelings were hurt, but my sister pointed out that is what happens when you tattle on someone else. She is now 12 and you can't pry any info out of her since that incident.
You can always ignore what she's talking about or calmly tell her you don't want to hear what is going on over at xh's.
I'm sure you don't give a fig what he hears or knows about what you are doing w/your life...after all you are divorced and you are a good mother. You are the only one that can hold your head up high each and every day and still look in the mirror and know that you weren't the one that screwed up the relationship...he can't.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes I enjoyed they show, and it was really nice to see friends and parents and say Happy Holidays.
So things become more interesting. For the first time in a year, I received an email from XH!
I found it today, but it was sent yesterday morning. I have two email accounts. He sent it to my old one, and doesn't know my new one I've had since he moved out.
His emails said " Well it looks like my Imessages aren't working worth a Sh!T, so I guess we'll email info for now".
I didn't respond.
He was grilling the kids as t when to pick them up Christmas Eve since it's our Christmas time today. He told the girls he will call them tomorrow.
So I told D13 to talk it over with him as to what time THEY want to go.
It's this cycling that's driven me to the point of completely dropping the rope and walking the other direction. One minute he's spewing, then next he's forgotten and abiding by the rules and attempting to act respectful, even pursue communication!
But it's the same old dance as it's always been. I think what feels so demoralizing and devaluing to me is that he literally acts like nothing happened. No wonder I've felt crazy for so many years. Now had he apologized about spewing and all the horrible things he's done, and THEN was acting nice, I'd be much more open to meeting him half way.
I got to thinking.....I really think the biggest hurdle to my healing was him NOT GOING QUIETLY.
Had he gone QUIETLY and hadn't of insisted on trying to act like best friends, then treat me like the enemy time and time again, I think i would've healed much quicker. It really is confusing to the LBs when they plac all blame on you, then turn right around and try to act like your best friend or try and be the best co parent, then drop out and start all over again.
I guess this is cycling? I had read MLC is much like serious PMS for a woman.
Kimmerz, You are doing great considering all the bs he's been tossing at you. Yes, if he had gone quietly, like a normal person going through a divorce, versus an emotional basket case, you would have healed quicker. It's the dance of push me/pull me that drives a person crazy. One minute they are spewing, the next they want to be friends and very seldom is there an apology in the mix. Not a normal way to handle things as adults. What you are seeing is called cycling.
I had to chuckel when I read your posting and saw that he's now actually emailing you. LOL! I'm surprised he was able to IM from his phone if his service had been disrupted, etc. You've told him several times to work out things w/his Ds directly and yet he continues to contact you. Maybe he hasn't realized that he can include you on the emails he sends his Ds...he's just a complete emotional mess. Oh, well...he'll figure things out in a year or so (hopefully).
I don't know why he is grilling them this early about when to pick them up. Christmas Eve is five days away and a lot can happen during that time. Plans change, people get sick, etc. It's not like you and your Ds aren't aware of what is to take place, but this is a symptom of mlc and he's just taking it to another level right now. Holidays do tend to make them a bit nutsy.
Men go through changes just as we women do. They don't usually talk about it, but yes, mlc is very much like a severe case of pms, but lasts a very long time. I remember hearing the old saying that women "go through the change of life" and now I think about using that statement for men going through mlc.
Kimmerz, I'm glad you've dropped the rope. You are looking at things differently and I can see where you are focusing more on your Ds and yourself. I hope that after the holidays your xh settles down and ceases some of his antics.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Last night before I went to bed I checked my "old" email account to see if he emailed again.
Lordy, guess who emailed me again????
Well this email contains a friendly message of what his schedule is NEXT WEEK, when he can pick up the girls on Christmas Eve, asking me if that works for me, telling me to let him know if it works for him, informing me he will call the girls TODAY ON THE LAND LINE, and giving me his home phone number.
And here we go again. From complete freeze out, normally vacating from all life, him being sealed in his mental man cave, to jumping back into life, and frantically trying to figure out what to do. I have seen this man do this so many times over the last 8 years, this is nothing. Usually Christmas does seem to bring him out of his weird disassociative funk he's in most of the time. Im wondering if he managed to get some money and is on a spending high. Nothing gives him more pleasure then to blow money.... and at Christmas.
I may have to break down and reply just to let him know the girls expect Santa to leave gifts Christmas morning. We had discussed that a few months ago. I decided this will be the last year Santa comes, given their cousin still feels Santa comes, and I don't want one to ruin it for the other!
If it makes you feel better, I know exactly how you feel
Quote:
I got to thinking.....I really think the biggest hurdle to my healing was him NOT GOING QUIETLY.
Had he gone QUIETLY and hadn't of insisted on trying to act like best friends, then treat me like the enemy time and time again, I think i would've healed much quicker.
YES! I almost jumped out of my chair and spilled my drink when I read this. I said the same thing a while back. It would be easier. I also realized something that was said "...won't stop until there is six feet of dirt between you." That rings true in my case, and likely in yours.
Like you, I have received emails from my ex recently. On the surface, no big deal. Just business. But not really. It's more like she is looking for an excuse to make sure I don't forget she's there. I doubt it's a conscious act. But I've received an email at the beginning of the week for more than 8 weeks now. I almost always ignore them unless action is required. This is from a woman who said she, "doesn't care to share" and wants "..to be a single parent.." and wants nothing to do with me. I've been accused of being narcissistic, bipolar, and of not having a shred of decency. All that without saying anything
I feel ya sister! It would have been much better had she gone away like she said she wanted to. And gone quietly. But that's not apparently how this works I think.
Try to be nice and respectful, but I see little reason to respond if you can help it. It just puts you back in the drama.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
