Relationship with W at the moment is good(I say relationship, I should say Friendship). We are civil to each other, no animosity, no arguing.
This is a good sign. It means she is comfortable with you. The longer this goes on, the less chance she will actually leave. She'll need plenty of time to work out her issues and change her perception of the M. Mine gave me timelines of when she was going to make her move, and some of these timelines have already past... and she's still here, thanks to NO PRESSURE.
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I have so much I want to say to her, so many questions to ask. Knowing I mustn’t talk about R is hard work. Not telling her I love her is even harder. I have to pretend that everything is fine.
Keep this up. I found it easy to avoid R talks because the few times I brought them up she bombed me all over again!
Just remember, by not pressuring her to stay or give you reassurances, you actually increase the chance that she will stay. Better that you guys talk and interact little, if it keeps her in your home.
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FY, I am terrified about reclaiming the Marital Bed,
This is understandable, but you need to work on ending the eggshell walking thing. Start small. Are you afraid you might not fold the dish towel right or something silly like this? I was the first few weeks after BD. Then I figured, this is crazy, and just started acting more confident, and doing what I felt was right. A lot of how people treat us is based on how we teach them to treat us. If you feel like she is in charge of you, get yourself some assertiveness training.
The more you stand up for yourself the more respect she will give you. She really doesn't want a man who bows and submits to her.
I don't know your W and your past relationship as well as you. Use your knowledge of her to aim for slowly taking more control of day to day household activities. Don't follow... lead. This is your goal.
When you feel the time is right, you could say something like, "sometime soon, I'm going to be back in our bed" and leave it at that. Go on your way and gauge her reaction. I highly doubt this will send her out the door, but it may get her thinking... in a good way.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
One more thing. It's always "Our" bed/bedroom. Even if you're not in it at the moment, don't ever call it her bed or allow her do so without (non-confrontational) comment from you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
One more thing. It's always "Our" bed/bedroom. Even if you're not in it at the moment, don't ever call it her bed or allow her do so without (non-confrontational) comment from you.
I do understand what you are saying. I definitely need to be more assertive. Having had time to really scrutinise my relationship and the way I am/was with my W, there is no doubt that I need to work hard on this aspect. I was forever walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset the Applecart. I would then reach my tipping point and get angry (shouting). This is one of the things she accused me of "losing my temper", and I can't deny it. I regretted it straight away, because I knew that I would be getting the "cold shoulder" for the next day or two. I will NOT be going down that route ever again.
Reading this back, it makes it sound like my W is a tryant, she definitely isn't, she is just hard to live with sometimes.
Thanks again FY, for your excellent advice, it is appreciated.
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
Detachment Well I am really struggling with the concept of detachment. I know it is something I must do, but boy it is hard. Pulling away from someone you have adored/worshipped for 20 years. It is a constant battle of Heart v Head! It feels so alien to me, though it is made a little bit easier when I know I am not detaching from the person I love, but the person she is currently imitating. I also feel doing this is showing W that I am over her, that I do not need her and she can move on. I know this isn’t the case but that thought is still there.
Getting A Life (GAL) Again I am struggling to organise things to do which do not involve my W. Though there are many things I am interested in, getting the motivation to do these things is hard. When I am out doing the activities, I am so glad I did. I can even forget my current plight for a few hours. But it takes a lot of will power to get me going.
I have come to realise that I rely so much on my W. This has been a real eye opener for me.
Have a good day all.
WorriedUK
Me48; W44 M20; T25 S17 & S15 Bomb (IDLYA) 27/10/12 Still living together
Don't worry too much about the detaching, I think it is a process we work towards through the GAL and the 180s.
For me, I am nowhere near detaching, although since H and I are separated by an hour it is easier to not wonder about him all the time.
Find something to do, whether or not the motivation is there. As you said, you forget for a few hours. You will find new friends and then realize you haven't thought about sitch or W the entire time.
