Need advice-he's being too nice!

[GatorGirl]

H is without a doubt in MLC. I have successfully (I think) detached and pretty much only discuss the children or other business (if it interferes with our regular schedule) with him. We are separated - he moved out.

This is a good problem to have I guess, but why is he being so nice? He tries to make small talk and asks me about work and such when he's done talking with the kids on the phone. How am I supposed to answer? I usually keep my answers fairly short and to the point. He talks to the kids in the evening before they go to bed when I have them for dinner and when they're done, I wrap it up and say goodbye. And that's when he starts chatting. I don't know if I should keep it short (usually it's bedtime so I don't have time to chit chat) or let him talk and ask questions? I have a new job so he's asking how it's going and whatnot. I feel like I should have my guard up all the time but if my goal is to save my marriage, I suppose I should open up? I'm very lost as far as how to be detached but how to talk to him if he's initiating conversation.

I should mention that the only times he's gotten upset on the phone are when I've brought up reconciling, most recently when I was upset when our dog died unexpectedly. It was a horrible blowout needless to say and a very stupid mistake. That will not happen again, as I saw the horrid change the subject brought in him and it was not pretty. He admitted that he had been angry to the point of almost not being able to speak until recently, so maybe that shows some sort of sign?

I am living my life with my kids and enjoying my new job. I have no idea where he is as far as the MLC stages are because we don't fight and I don't talk to him much. I'm trying to give him as much space as possible and show him that I'm moving on, with or without him. He hasn't mentioned the divorce lately except to ask if I would be retaining council and I said I am meeting with a new attorney in mid-January and will go from there.

Can I get some help with this?!

[Cadet]

First of all try to stick to one thread until you get to 100 posts.

First thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...784#Post2306784

Stage that he is in.
REPLAY!
Anything less than 2 years from BD is almost always that.

He is being nice because that is part of his MLC script.

I'm very lost as far as how to be detached but how to talk to him if he's initiating conversation.

He is testing you to see if your changes are real.

Detachement is for YOU
To keep your sanity and PROTECT you.

You saw what happened when you asked him to reconcile.
This is why we advise no relationship talk.

How are you doing with the homework I assigned from the other thread?
What are you doing for YOU?

[peacetoday]

Hi
My xh was also very nice after he moved out, especially once he saw I wasnt asking for anything and I was trying to accept his decision to move on
I think it was his way of testing the waters
like he still wanted to be connected to us
but he also wanted to spread his wings
it was probably a transition time for both of us and made the situation much easier for the kids too
He would spend 4x week here take the kids and spend time talking to me..mostly about his job ect
we were extremely friendly
I wanted to be there for him,,I needed to try to see if it would help because in my M I wasnt always so available to support him
I needed to do this for me..

We never reconciled..at this point we have no contact
He married ow, I also moved on with another R
but during our separation, we had lots of talks
He wasnt totally honest about things..but for me, I think it was good that we
had time and became friends
at that time, I tried so hard to save my M and Im grateful I tried
I have no regrets today
I dont think I could have done anything different to make him stay Nor would I ever think about reconciling with him at this stage
I wish him the best

so I agree with you, you can test the waters with becoming friends
listen to him validate him give him the continued space he wants
and at the same time
use the time to take care of yourself,leave all expectations out of it
MLC takes many years.. if you can become friends, it would help keep things smooth for now
then you can see how it goes
sometimes MLCers are moody, nice and then mean
only time will tell
it isnt easy to watch your H come and go
but I promise you it gets easier in time

be mysterious and start to live and venture out on your own
let him also see that you will also make a new life for yourself and the kids without him
Seek therapy -and watch the finances - split accounts--get off the credit cards-seek council know your rights
many MLCers will overspend and mine went in debt..watch everything protect your finances
get rest, find supportive women to talk to
eat well exercise, pray if your willing to, read books, keep posting, journal
use this time for yourself, evaluate what was wrong in your M
see waer you could have improved, not to beat yourself up, just to reflect to change to grow--
this takes a while for the LBS to heal about 2 plus years
wish you the best
peace