Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[25yearsmlc]

Hi everybody,
I bought a nice cashmere cardigan, sober but classy, for W, and a card. For S, it is a little red tractor battery powered he can ride on.
I don't expect to receive anything, but we'll see.

I would not expect anything but maybe a hand made card by your son, which I hope you'll treasure. One more time I ask, what happened to backing off? Did she indicate an interest in suddenly seeing you more? I must have missed that.


As for my activities, already when I was with W I gave up the extreme stuff, so W wasn't too worried. Paragliding and hors-piste ski are relatively mild compared to the previous craziness. W just wasn't happy about the importance it had in my life.

sounds like you knew that she didn't like these things before you married her...and it sounds as if you resent this or count it as a grand gesture.

But it's small consistent CORE changes she'll need. Every parent reduces their intense dangerous activities while they have young kids unless they are in the military.

Both my h and I were active duty military but I got out so that one of us could be home safe. I was airborne and I still love to skydive, as does my h. But We both stopped for the first 15 years of having children b/c we wanted to be safe for them, and even now, we never go on the same plane w/each other. It's NOT a sacrifice or proof of love, though. It's just concern. I did not buy or ride a motorcycle, which I love doing. This is the first time I've even mentioned in here in 6 years...it's just NOT a "sacrifice" to me. It's being responsible.

Today h and our youngest are both SCUBA qualified & mutually enjoy it. So you can do all these things again some day...LATER when your son is older. Maybe with him.

But pointing out your non activities now, is like saying "gee I don't get to eat in fine restaurants with my toddler either, b/c sometimes he cries"....and every single one of us who has raised a child will say, "yeah we know..." So don't go out to fancy restaurants without a sitter. It's just not that big a sacrifice for the rest of us to even bother mentioning.



I married a girl who couldn't scuba-dive, rock-climb, mountainbike, etc.. so I guess it's kinda natural she didn't place those things a so important in her life, whereas for me they were why we're living for.

so why'd you marry her?

And as for the importance to her, of things she did not do, it's obvious they're NOT important to her, isn't it? Did you only realize NOW that she's not into those things?
Were you doing them after the baby was born? That means he was less than a year old, an infant...gee that sounds super fun for HER


Also, I always had a gift for piano, painting, architecture, maths, litterature, physics, chemistry, being n 1 in school and all,.. at some point I was asked to be a model and also politically they wanted me to take responsibilities (which I refused) and probably people would have voted for me because I talk and appear well.

what is relevant about any of this?? ^^^^^

My rythm of life and busyness had little to do with her idea of average american guy. Right now, I'm living a life of going to work, coming home to eat supper, sleep and start over the next day.

I HAVE to ask, is this^^ what YOU think is the "average American guy"? It's more like a sad single guy w/no family or hobbies or interests. How dull he sounds.

My h is very physically & mentally active. He scuba's, (w/our daughter) he works out, he does archery and hunts, he's a physician who speaks at conferences, he's in a "Current events club", we both base jump when we can (now that the kids are older). We both got our pilot's licensese, & he skydives for the Army...

In addition to my job, I do stand up comedy and I perform in independent films, I joined a writer's club and have been published. I volunteer at a women's shelter, took an Italian cooking class, another French conversation class, some art classes and dance. I learned to hunt big game and to deep sea fish, to cross country ski and to snowmachine.

I don't say this to brag but to show you two things.

1) "we average Americans" are not slugs.

and 2) to show you how to GAL.

It sounds as if you are living a very boring life for some unknown reason.

Why aren't you doing anythig? You only see your son twice a week so what is stopping you from joining something or taking a class or being active?

Why not some skiing? At least cross country skiing is available there b/c I lived in the interior of Alaska WITH a newborn I took care of the most, so I am SURE you have more opportunities for action than I did.



Here, none of the previous stuff is doable, but [b]I'm here for the sake of being with W and S .--> If this isn't loving sacrifice, then what is?
[/b]

too crazy to answer ....I mean, where to start? A "loving sacrifice" is loving, not resentful and not keeping a score FOR starters...

so I'll defer to what the others said here. Read their words and take them in....but for the record,

there ARE far more things for you to do where you are, then you realize or care to admit.

You're just being stubborn or lazy or refusing to leave your comfort zone. Imagine your wife's reaction to see you join in an activity that is local and new to you AND enjoying it.

You know, If that really isn't possible and you really cannot be happy EXCEPT where you grew up, then you ought to return to France and leave her alone...


So,
1.I take it gratefully that she is acting all nice around me lately. I myself am very upbeat and debonnaire when she's around. (although inside, it's a volcano).

2. Making some space. I asked her out for Friday evening by email. She knows it, no need to insist, call or send e-mails.

She already knew you wanted to take her out. WHY more pressure and pursuit? Please, please just STOP.


3. Seeking more time with S. If we cannot work out with W a progressive parenting plan/agreement that leads to 50/50%, I won't bluff on the court thing, I'll launch the motions thing, no matter the cost. And before the judge I must have all the arguments so he grants me my petition. Therefore : I must increase my time alone with S.

4. Finally, keep my expectations low, keep DBing, don't expect a fanfare for every 180 I do, and be patient in actions, not so much in words.

not at all in words. ONLY in actions b/c we are trained not to believe the WORDS of a man who has hurt us. And only half the actions are trusted...


I have it all pat down. Way to go.
Thanks.
B.

Not sure what you mean when you say "I have it all down pat," b/c you clearly do not. Maybe it's an idiom you don't understand. But you make mistakes we warn you about and then you repeat them...so how do you have it 'Down pat"?

Then you say "way to go" as if...I think you are patting yourself on the back....Again, maybe it's the language barrier.

But please take in what the others are saying to you. You're being blessed with feedback you desparately need

so take it in and CHANGE Bruce...before it's too late.

Your post was filled with so much bragging I had no idea where you were going with it.

But now you have a map and you need to follow it.