LBS gearing up for the long haul

[Dm45]

Thanks, LITB.

We want on needs to be met. We place expectations on our spouses. When they are not met, we come away disappointed. That old familiar emotional roller coaster.

thats exactly it. For the last few days I have really felt the kick of not having needs met. Some will disagree but after 21 years there are needs only she can fulfill. I am Semi-patiently waiting, but I hate doing without.

Try not to take these things personal

I'm having a hard time with that lately.

We had a text exchange that was a little better today:
W:Sorry about yesterday. I don't mean to cause you so much pain.
DM:Thanks for that.sorry I made you feel pressured. I know you need time. I'm trying to be patient.
W:Have a good day.
DM:You too. I'll buzz you at lunchtime? We're in clean area lots of loud equipment.
W:that's fine. It's a busy day.
Lunch time:
DM: How's your day so far?
W:Busy. You?
DM:Bored.
W:why bored.
DM:Maybe not bored. Distracted.
W:Maybe you should try to get in to see counselor.
DM:I think I may need it but don't have insurance. Yours only covers if you are there.
(short discussion about cost, church had offered to help w/MC for us, etc. I want to go to C with her, but did not bring it up. Nor did she)
DM:How much is it?
W:I don't know. Guess this gives you some idea how I've been feeling for a long time. Don't mean to be mean, but it's the truth
DMm:I know. That's what I've been thinking the whole time since this started, and that makes it feel worse. I'm sortry.
W:I'm sorry. Feel like its my fault that you are not doing well and it makes me sad.
DM:well I don't want you sad. Just want you better and back, in time.
W:I am worried about you. I need you to be strong.
DM: trying to. Felt strong and thought making progress but feel like yesterday I screw it all up.
W:you didn't screw anything up.
DM:well that's good to know.
W:I hope you feel better.
DM:Me too. And you. How's throat?
W:sore. Cough. Something's going around here.

Later, when I was in shower between jobs, she stopped by and brought dinner for us. Called her to thank her. She was more chipper.

[Dm45]

Pressed her on it and she confessed..tis the season, though, so i let it go)

You're backsliding. Do NOT PRESS her on anything. What are you trying to do, push her away?

I didn't make that clear. The pressure I mentioned here was in September, on DDay. I did not press her this weekend about shopping with her girlfriend.

Get a hold of your MIND and reel it IN...and YOU ARE trying to pressure her. Stop it and stop lying about it.

I am trying. I don't bring up R, OM, where she lives. I have to admit I must fool myself sometimes into thinking what I'm doing is not controlling or manipulative.

"worry About OM"

hit the nail on the head.

you are not in control of your thoughts

I KNOW!!!....ANY SUGGESTIONS???? PLEASE???

Thank you much, 25.

Crimson, thanks. On the phone thing...I had done that for a while, especially when GAL w/kids. When she started getting friendlier I went back on it.

[labug]

Stop texting or having phone conversations until you can control your thoughts.

I think I said this early on, you get in trouble when you talk.

The last text convo you posted, read it again. Do you see how you were putting pressure on her, making her responsible for your feelings?

About the patience, do or not do, there is no try.

[sandi2]

Last week, on tues and Wed, I decided to "test the waters" since we had some baby steps. I initiated contact.

I don't have my DR book with me at the moment, so I can't check this out. Isn't testing the waters talking about the WAW? The reason I asked is b/c I've notice other LBH's using that term.

IMHO, the LBH should not try testing the waters whenever there has been some positive baby steps shown by the WAW. It seems that whenever this happens there is a negative outcome b/c she usually is not ready for the same results as he is. That's why I believe the walk-away spouse needs to make the moves toward the left-behind spouse. If I remember correctly, she is the one to test the waters.

When the LBH calls himself testing the waters.....there is usually a shade of pursuit somewhere in the picture,especially if he has not allowed enough time to pass.

Pursuing is what you have to be very careful NOT to do, and responding to baby steps by testing the waters is not a good idea at this stage. I think you just need to get that term completely out of mind.

Now, I'm going to say something very plain here. If I was the WAW in this stitch, I would not put up with you trying to contact me and trying to make plans for me throughout the holidays. You are controlling! No matter how nice you try to dress it up.....it is just another form of controlling. She has told you straight out that it puts pressure on her.....but you continue to do it.

That last post where you were calling & sending TM and were getting angry b/c she wasn't responding to your time and your plans and in your method/fashion, etc. (big time controlling)....she was much nicer than I would have been. She left you to get away from you. You should not contact her to see if she's alright or not. I'm serious! You have to let that go b/c she doesn't like it, and b/c you are using it as an excuse to contact her. And you use etiquette as your platform to pressure her to acknowledge your messages. Can't you see how controlling that is? It's not charming to a WAW! It's not sweet & considerate!

Every time you try to pull her in......she will resist harder. You still have that rope around her...tugging hard to draw her in.....while she is pulling away from you. It is the tug of war you won't win.

I know the holidays are sentimental and they seem to be the perfect time to take opportunities to draw her back into old familiar/family activities. However, I don't think she's ready. She's being very nice about it, and I'm sure she wants the connection with her children.....but I don't really think she's ready to hang out with you.

Called her. Told her was worried. Told her I felt like we left it that she would be contacting me. Said she hadn't got to it yet. Was short with me, wanted to end call. I said "what are you busy?" she said yes.........don't know why I asked that because it really didn't help to know, it pissed me off, and my stupid mind wondered what she was busy doing that she turned off phone. Stupid a$$.

This is a no-no. She is not required to give you any explanation. The rules changed when she left you. You are coming across as the husband over her who she is suppose to answers to. That is very, very unattractive to the WAW, and I believe it gives her more reason to stay away from you. In other words, all you've done is to enforce her case against you.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, LITB.

We want on needs to be met. We place expectations on our spouses. When they are not met, we come away disappointed. That old familiar emotional roller coaster.

thats exactly it. For the last few days I have really felt the kick of not having needs met. Some will disagree but after 21 years there are needs only she can fulfill. I am Semi-patiently waiting, but I hate doing without.

Try not to take these things personal

I'm having a hard time with that lately.
[b]
We had a text exchange that was a little better today:[/b]

what did you learn about us saying NOT to contact her...or answer back too fast?

W:Sorry about yesterday. I don't mean to cause you so much pain.
DM:Thanks for that.sorry I made you feel pressured. I know you need time. I'm trying to be patient.
W:Have a good day.

THIS ^^^WHEN THE "TALK" MUST STOP...NOTHING ELSE TO SAY, GIVEN THE SITCH.


DM:You too. I'll buzz you at lunchtime? We're in clean area lots of loud equipment.

STOP the pursuit.


W:that's fine. It's a busy day.
Lunch time:

DM: How's your day so far?
W:Busy. You?
DM:Bored.

why sound like that? NOTHING good is happening? Why not be upbeat or interestING?


W:why bored.


DM:Maybe not bored. Distracted.

Gee, let's talk about YOUR FEELINGS.. she just said SHE is busy.

W:Maybe you should try to get in to see counselor.


DM:I think I may need it but don't have insurance. Yours only covers if you are there.
(short discussion about cost, church had offered to help w/MC for us, etc. I want to go to C with her, but did not bring it up. Nor did she)

You DID bring up C with her. You pressured her to go to counselling b/c you "can't" unless she is there. THAT is pressure. IT's also BS. You can find an IC of your own like the rest of us and pay out of pocket if you have to. It's usually on a sliding scale.

DM:How much is it?

W:I don't know. Guess this gives you some idea how I've been feeling for a long time. Don't mean to be mean, but it's the truth


DMm:I know. That's what I've been thinking the whole time since this started, and that makes it feel worse. I'm sortry.

W:I'm sorry. Feel like its my fault that you are not doing well and it makes me sad.

you might think her "regret" about how badly you are doing, is good. But it's NOT making you more appealing.

DM:well I don't want you sad. Just want you better and back, in time.

HER better? You just confessed to being depressed and distracted and needing help.

W:I am worried about you. I need you to be strong.

HEAR THIS??? SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO BE WEAK OR TO "NEED HER" TO GO TO COUNSELLING WITH YOU...


DM: trying to. Felt strong and thought making progress but feel like yesterday I screw it all up.

W:you didn't screw anything up.

DM:well that's good to know.

W:I hope you feel better.
DM:Me too. And you. How's throat?
W:sore. Cough. Something's going around here.

Later, when I was in shower between jobs, she stopped by and brought dinner for us. Called her to thank her. She was more chipper.

AND YOU? Look, you need to LISTEN (and NOT talk to her so much)

to what we say and take it in and CHANGE for the better...she's given you a roadmap you keep ignoring...she wants you to be STRONG...get that?

you ignore it at your peril.

[Dm45]

Today I stopped at C and made appt for soonest available, 12/29. I feel I urgently need to talk to someone, so receptionist said she would see if C could call me.

I just can't control my thoughts.

Labug....if she had not left, my feelings would be totally different. I own my actions. I hurt her, long term and am responsible for it. She is responsible for my feelings.

The rules changed when she left you

I will be re-reading 37 rules after submitting this. What it feels like right now is Rule #1: I don't matter. Rule #2: Act like it doesn't matter that W left me for OM. Those rules suck.

W:I need you to be strong

WTH?!?!?!? I feel like saying how the hell can I be strong when you are living with OM?!?!? What do you want me to be strong for, so you can carry on guilt free??? She says she's worried about me? Not worried enough to make this right. Not even worried enough to say "DM I'm coming home. I don't know when." I could not bear to do this to her.

I know these thoughts are undermining the process, or could. How can I get this under control?

I get on these cycles, and try to think of positive things that have happened, that she has said, and I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEM sometimes.

I can't even believe I am making a post like this. I've seen them by others and shook my head...there but for the grace of God go I...I though I was getting a handle on myself, now slipping...

[25yearsmlc]

Today I stopped at C and made appt for soonest available, 12/29. I feel I urgently need to talk to someone, so receptionist said she would see if C could call me.

I just can't control my thoughts.

then learn to get control of them ASAP...it's a BASIC life skill and nothing good will come into your life and stay, if you don't get this skill.

Labug....if she had not left, my feelings would be totally different. I own my actions. I hurt her, long term and am responsible for it. She is responsible for my feelings.


^^^^^^ is 100% incorrect. I completely disagree. I could not more strongly DISAGREE. YOU are responsible for how you feel, think, and act. Period.

You are an adult!

The rules changed when she left you

I will be re-reading 37 rules after submitting this. What it feels like right now is Rule #1: I don't matter. Rule #2: Act like it doesn't matter that W left me for OM. Those rules suck.

W:I need you to be strong

WTH?!?!?!? I feel like saying how the hell can I be strong when you are living with OM?!?!? What do you want me to be strong for, so you can carry on guilt free??? She says she's worried about me? Not worried enough to make this right. Not even worried enough to say "DM I'm coming home. I don't know when." I could not bear to do this to her.


Why be strong? Where to begin? I'll keep it short b/c I am rushed for time but that question is a SAD one. If she needs you to be strong, she's like 99% of the women I know...who are NOT attracted to needy men who cannot sustain themselves emotionally. You sound very codependent. And it's not attractive or a sign of the depth of your love. Nope...

MAYBE strong enough to attract her back, so she does not AGAIN have to care for you, your needs, and everyone else's.

Did you forget how she got to where she is now? Boy that was fast amnesia.

I know these thoughts are undermining the process, or could. How can I get this under control?

These thoughts are undermining YOUR LIFE and Marriage and YOU have to get a grip and get help. Period. Stop the blaming too. Just get the tools you need. I have suggested workshops and counselling and letting what we say SINK IN, which just takes some discipline...and that's all we can do from here.


I get on these cycles, and try to think of positive things that have happened, that she has said, and I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEM sometimes.

Get some help and read a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. MOST of our happiness is by choice. That's why Aristotle said "Happiness is a virtue" b/c we have to create it and maintain it and own it. We cannot assign someone else responsibility for OUR feelings and happiness and dump it on them.

What an unfair burden that must have been for her all these years...

I can't even believe I am making a post like this. I've seen them by others and shook my head...there but for the grace of God go I...I though I was getting a handle on myself, now slipping...

Before you slip too far, STOP YOURSELF...talk to yourself. Exercise and get OUTDOORS in the sun even if it's cold. Take slow deep breaths and come up with a mantra that helps.

e.g., "God, I turn this marriage over to you" OR "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you b/c they are heavy on me. Please carry these for me now"

AND OR "Dear Father, please give me the guidance to know your will AND the strength to follow it"...&

"Thank you for these wonderful children and my health and for living in a free nation with no one stealing my children for their "army" or attacking us b/c we are not of their tribe, or denying our right to worship. Thank you for the food in our refrigerator and the knowledge that there will be food in it tomorrow. Thank you for showing me love..."

These^^ seem like gimmicky things but they help us "re boot" our brains so that when we finally see the IC, we can have calmed down a bit.

[Dm45]

Today I stopped at C and made appt for soonest available, 12/29. I feel I urgently need to talk to someone, so receptionist said she would see if C could call me.

I just can't control my thoughts.

then learn to get control of them ASAP...it's a BASIC life skill and nothing good will come into your life and stay, if you don't get this skill.

I used to be able to...through grief-we've each lost a parent and grandparents, had a miscarriage. Through fear-her cancer, our parents illnesses. Through positive things like achievements I am proud of that I really had to aim high for...I have been a very disciplined person in the past and self control served well.

But this seems more than I can bear recently, which is why I am seeking help.

I am actually ok at The moment. But I don't trust it. I've been on the crazy train so many times the last few days...

Labug....if she had not left, my feelings would be totally different. I own my actions. I hurt her, long term and am responsible for it. She is responsible for my feelings.


^^^^^^ is 100% incorrect. I completely disagree. I could not more strongly DISAGREE. YOU are responsible for how you feel, think, and act. Period.

You are an adult!

I don't think I can just decide the hurt is not there. I also don't want to care so little that this doesn't matter to me.

The rules changed when she left you

I will be re-reading 37 rules after submitting this. What it feels like right now is Rule #1: I don't matter. Rule #2: Act like it doesn't matter that W left me for OM. Those rules suck.

W:I need you to be strong

WTH?!?!?!? I feel like saying how the hell can I be strong when you are living with OM?!?!? What do you want me to be strong for, so you can carry on guilt free??? She says she's worried about me? Not worried enough to make this right. Not even worried enough to say "DM I'm coming home. I don't know when." I could not bear to do this to her.


Why be strong? Where to begin? I'll keep it short b/c I am rushed for time but that question is a SAD one. If she needs you to be strong, she's like 99% of the women I know...who are NOT attracted to needy men who cannot sustain themselves emotionally. You sound very codependent. And it's not attractive or a sign of the depth of your love. Nope...

MAYBE strong enough to attract her back, so she does not AGAIN have to care for you, your needs, and everyone else's.
I know this^^^ is right. I know I need to be strong. I can't help thinking that...I don't know...she is kicking me in the gut, stabbing me in the face, and has the nerve, cruelty to say be strong while I betray you? I'll repeat my confession :I hurt her, I was wrong. I repent. I would change the past if i could, for sure. I am NOT intending to keep hurting her and telling her to BE STRONG. That is cruelty.

Did you forget how she got to where she is now? Boy that was fast amnesia.

I know these thoughts are undermining the process, or could. How can I get this under control?

These thoughts are undermining YOUR LIFE and Marriage and YOU have to get a grip and get help. Period. Stop the blaming too. Just get the tools you need. I have suggested workshops and counselling and letting what we say SINK IN, which just takes some discipline...and that's all we can do from here.


I get on these cycles, and try to think of positive things that have happened, that she has said, and I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEM sometimes.

Get some help and read a book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. MOST of our happiness is by choice. That's why Aristotle said "Happiness is a virtue" b/c we have to create it and maintain it and own it. We cannot assign someone else responsibility for OUR feelings and happiness and dump it on them.

What an unfair burden that must have been for her all these years...

You said it...MOST happiness is by choice.

I can't even believe I am making a post like this. I've seen them by others and shook my head...there but for the grace of God go I...I though I was getting a handle on myself, now slipping...



Before you slip too far, STOP YOURSELF...talk to yourself. Exercise and get OUTDOORS in the sun even if it's cold. Take slow deep breaths and come up with a mantra that helps.

e.g., "God, I turn this marriage over to you" OR "God, I turn my pain/anger over to you b/c they are heavy on me. Please carry these for me now"

AND OR "Dear Father, please give me the guidance to know your will AND the strength to follow it"...&

"Thank you for these wonderful children and my health and for living in a free nation with no one stealing my children for their "army" or attacking us b/c we are not of their tribe, or denying our right to worship. Thank you for the food in our refrigerator and the knowledge that there will be food in it tomorrow. Thank you for showing me love..."

These^^ seem like gimmicky things but they help us "re boot" our brains so that when we finally see the IC, we can have calmed down a bit.

Not gimmicky to me at all. My faith and discipline got me through all the things I listed above and more. And when I have myself under control, I am confident in the DR, M, R possibilities. The Power of a Praying Husband is a book I keep going back to, just as much as DR.

Everything you said to me in this post, I KNOW. I BELIEVE. I LIVED to the best of my ability. Cognitive behavioral therapy is my next stop. Looking fwd to IC. I don't want to be my own worst enemy.

I am going to continue posting or summarizing our convos, at least until I am handling them more sanely.

At 3:24, which is between jobs for me, texts:
W: Feeling better today?
DM: Yea. how are you?
W: OK. Got a flu shot. People are dropping like flies around here.
DM: Wow. Do you usually get one?
W: No.
DM I haven't had one in a few years. Is it a big flu year or just ur group having a time?
W: I don't know-just know coworkers have been really sick
DM:Hasnt been on news
W:I haven't either.....
DM:S20 and (girlfriend) gave me a bag of oreos dipped in various Christmas sprinkles...hard to eat just one!
W: Yum! Kep them in the fridge...! Clark will snif them out. (the dog)
W:eating the chicken and stuff I brought?
DM : I'll save you one mebbe
DM: ran out of time. I'll eat some later.
W: Ha!:)

I kept this convo short. Partly because I hadtogetsome copies made before business. The opp was there to try to draw her into more convo. I have had about 4 - 5 hours of sanity now. A while back I was counting it in days.

[labug]

Labug....if she had not left, my feelings would be totally different. I own my actions. I hurt her, long term and am responsible for it. She is responsible for my feelings.

Sorry, this is victim talk.

She may have hurt you but you're responsible for what you do with that from now forward.

That is a conscious choice.

What are you afraid of?

Is it the fear that she will stay gone or is it that her leaving you somehow lessens you?

[25yearsmlc]

and DM

read the Newbie rules again. You pursue all the time and then prolong the contact.

What happened to ending the talks FIRST? What happened to LESS contact from you?

This "texting" talk isn't important enough topically, OR witty or interesting enough to enjoy or spend time on. I don't see how it helps you at all...

Back off of her, FOR REAL,

and focus on getting yourself to a better place. That's clearly the course of action for you now.