Ugh! I don't know whether to be mad at myself or pissed off at my H. I'm not in the most DBing frame of mind. I got impatient today, I looked at his phone when he was in the shower, I haven't done it in some time but I just did.
He had told me right after his A (when he was still behaving cooperative and remorseful) to check it anytime if I wanted to, that he was an open book and to ask any qs I wanted to ask him. So I asked today about a text I saw from a girl he worked with and about them meeting up with some mutual friends that just moved back to town. He and I have been communicating a lot and I didn't even know they were back in the US, so I didn't understand how she knew they were. He explained to me that he was trying to blow her off, and that her and her H were hoping to meet up with them but my H was not wanting to. I didn't feel like I was being oppressive about it I, I just asked. I didn't get upset like I normally would, but I asked one or 2 qs more about it in a calm way. I've just felt like I've been so patient and kind and perfect....maybe I just wanted to throw a wrench in this Stepford wife routine I feel like I'm in sometimes, who knows?
Well once he finished answering me, he suddenly blew up with "I'm DONE answering questions! That's it! I can't deal with this fighting!! DON'T check my phone again!!') Then he got into more absolutes, and "I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that" and something eerily reminiscent to the what he said when he said he was moving out a few months ago, and then lived in his car. I turned around and told him "now I'm the one putting my foot down. If you're going to keep threatening to leave me and move out again, then do it." He said he that's not what he was doing.
I told him that I hadn't checked his phone in a long time, and that he had said in the past that he was an open book and if I had a q, to ask him. So I did. He went on about "he can't stand this fighting". We weren't actually fighting (our fights had always been much more heated), but I guess I can see why it seemed that way to him, since in the past it would open the door for fighting.
I told him I would gladly trade places with him, and that this hasn't been easy for me but I haven't brought any of it up (I was referring to the A) in months. But that how was I supposed to "just trust him?" And that it was like we were now just friends living in the same house, since now he had stopped kissing me, having sex, telling me he loved me, anything, for 2 months - that essentially he had pulled all love and affection from me and that I didn't feel he was even attracted to me anymore. He said "so do I" which I didn't quite get, and then just started slamming stuff around and left for work. Before he left I said "it's like you don't seem to think about or have no idea how your wife might feel about any of this." To which he replied "oh, I have no idea, right?" When he left I said "there are two of us here". Not my best day.
I know we're supposed to be patient here. And that we can't squeeze blood from a stone. But at what point can I ever rely on my H other than to be my buddy and activity partner all of a sudden? How do things just get better with the passage of time after an A? After all the trust is shot to pieces, your partner then decides to withdraw all his love from you and you're expected to handle it all with dignity grace and a sense of detachment regularly, while you pal around like great friends? I can't today.
