Interesting post. My W rewrote our entire history. However, she also picked up on isolated incidents and made them sound like they were commonplace. Her friends all sympathise with her of course but a few mutual friends have said they know our M wasn't like that and I am not the person she is describing.
I read a lot on how the mlcer looks for someone to blame for their unhappiness, that they turn to the S as the reason and that they then start the process of justifying why they are unhappy with S which starts them down the re-writing history. I do think they believe what they say and if u read posts from mlcers a lot say that the good memories do start to come back and this can start rebuilding some sort of connection with the LBS. Memories only the 2 of u will have shared.
But the fog clouds everything and if an A is involved then they will stop at nothing to justify their decision to themselves and others. Which is why re-writing is very common in A sitchs.
I wish I can rewrite our history, but I know there were good times and bad, but the happy moments outweighed the sad. I can no longer agree to his version of the "truth", and so it's time to just get divorced. The idea of him having a physical A sickens me, and that was my bottom line. From rumors, and plain gut feeling, I believe this could be true. He denies, denies, denies. The facade is cracking.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Oh Boy Howdy, they believe their re writing of history!
I swear the depression is what plays such a vital role in this belief of their skewed memories. If only we could dart them like wild game with some anti depressants!
I've suffered from severe bouts of depression on and off all my life. I can tell you this much, when you're really in the thick of it, bogged down in depression, it really is everyone's fault. The ideas that run through your head become far fetched and unreasonable. And life would just be so much easier if everyone would just listen to you and do it your way!
My H has completely rewritten history to the point of saying that he always took care of me and I never took care of him. Seriously? I cannot imagine the horrible mental state he is in to believe all the garbage that he has made up in his head. He says that I'm selfish but when I ask for specific examples, there are none to be had. In fact, when I ask for specific examples regarding most of his ridiculous claims about my role in the "failure" of our marriage, he can not think of A SINGLE ONE.
I think the rewriting of history was the singlemost shocking part of this whole MLC for me. A good friend of mine shared some fantastic advice she got from her therapist: it was never as bad as he remembers and probably never as good as you remember it either. I think that's a fair assumption. You make a choice as to how you remember the events your life and you are in control of your happiness. They are choosing to see (and create) the bad where little or none existed.
You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. -Christopher Robin to Pooh
Romans 12:12 Rejoice in your hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer.
Jigsaw is a good analogy. I think from what I saw, life to a MLCr is like a jigsaw. All the pieces fell on the floor and they try to put them back together without really knowing what the final picture should look like. I watched mine re-write history. I also watched her try to come up with a story many times. It was like watching a painter trying to interpret what they see. Each time she would have a "perfect" picture, she would add the final touches.. me.. and then would wipe it clean and start again. Like she was compelled to re-write in such a way it was my fault she was unhappy and leaving. I also suspect she struggled with that because there wasn't much to the story unless you re-imagined it. It was painful and fascinating to watch.
Do they believe it? I think they do for as long as they can. But like any memory you bury alive, it has a way of resurfacing and becoming something you have to face. I see that even now, years later. I doubt she'll remember half of what she said. I know if she did it would be devastating to a whole person. I also realize the day may not come where she faces it. That's a lot of energy spent trying to maintain the lies and I feel compassion for her for that.
I think it's a point in time re-remembering. I think somewhere deep down they do realize it is not true but don't know why or how to deal with it.
That's another part of this right? They don't really know how to deal with what's inside. So they revert to the only tool they know that will get things out - anger. Sadly, there comes a time when they either have to find a new target for the anger to keep it going, or when the LBS is long gone, find another way to deal with it.
Things can't stay static for long
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I want to tell you what I know to be true with my Ex W. On Sat 31st Jan 04, Liz rang our house phone but all of us were out shopping together. I knew the OM Nic was working this day, so I returned her call. I said “hello and are you still faithful to me”. She replied with a nervous teenager like giggle. I said “anyway Liz it’s me you really love.” I could hear her whispering to herself, “ I love Nic, I love Nic, I love Nic…………." So I ended the conversation. Now going back to new years eve, after we had had a family day out at a leisure centre. Our youngest D Dawn became ill, so I had to do her evening newspaper round. During this time and according to Dawn (who did not tell me about this till a few months later) who said “Mum was pacing around the room and whispering, I Love Nic, I love Nic………” Dawn said “I looked at her and it was as if she was no longer my mum.”
I believe and think that some of these Mlcer’s, those with weak wills try to brainwash themselves.
They have to repeat things over and over again until the thoughts become their mantra. They have to not only convince the world, but also themselves, when they are doing something that goes completely against the grain.
Jigsaw puzzle is very accurate analogy of the mlcer and their lives. They are very much like Humpty Dumpty too, when you think about it. They are broken into bits and then try to scamper to put themselves back together again and it doesn't always take.
Thus, the rewriting of history, the anger and the need to flee what once was. So sad.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
While I don't post much anymore....I do think I can offer a good point on this conversation. When the fun began with my wife, we went to see her therapist for separation and co-parenting counseling. My wife had been going to this therapist for a year and we had a decent session, but afterwords the therapist felt that her and I should meet separately. I did agree to this as I was dealing with job stress/depression as well as the news of affairs and other stuff.
So I met with the therapist for quite awhile and it was during one of our sessions that the therapist broke down (I still laugh over this). She explained to me that I was nowhere near the man that had been portrayed to her by my wife. The lazy, short,bald, and fat man was in fact a very driven hard worker, 6' 4", not fat, but I was bald LOL. My wife had portrayed to her a person that was not me (as well as a history that was not true).....A history and person that my wife felt actually existed. In the end it was only her perception. This was confirmed by many people she knew during that time....because over and over again people would mention that I was nowhere near the person that had been described to them.
I feel a lot of this is actually guilt driven repression of feelings. It is easier for a person (any person) to change the past to their advantage than take responsibility for it (this applies to MLC'ers as well as the left behind spouse). This is what makes true personal changes so hard....it is easier to lay blame elsewhere than take responsibility for your own actions.
As for the mantra....very common occurrence. The MLC'er HAS to remind themselves that they love the OP to support the stilts they are standing on. It became more so important in the example.....because how can the wife want to be with some one else while the husband went out and delivered the sick child's newspaper. Why would she leave a man who would do such an act unless she loves some one else.....and how dare the husband do a nice act so out of character in regards to her perception of him.
Remember that the victor writes the history books....but a the loser does write a history also. The difference being the losers history does not stand up to the test of time.
Hi Folks, just to say a bit more from late 2003 (at a later date I will go into a lot of detail from the period 24th Sept till 26th Jan 04). On Mon 24th Nov I moved in with my Mum, but my little daughter Dawn ( who was 13) made a massive poster and put it on our kitchen cupboard door it said: ‘Please come home Dad’.
I used to visit on Wednesday’s. On Weds 10th Dec, late evening Liz gave me a very good head massage and I thought to myself this is good. In the morning I rang her up to say thank you, she said “oh the massage I gave you last nite was because no way was I going to give you sex.” I was livid, I said “right pack your stuff and move into the hotel then” She said “oh I’ve already packed my stuff because I knew what you were going to say.” Well I got to our house early and she weren’t half moaning and blaming. I soon dropped her off at the hotel, so it looks like it was all a ploy.
Fast forward, after she had move back home (Sat 20th Dec), then back again to the hotel (Tues 23rd), On Christmas Eve she was crying on my shoulders when she came back with her brother to pick her stuff up from the kerb! Then she asked if she could come back (via text 6:30 am 25th Dec!) to my Mum’s for Christmas day (I asked my kids if they would like their Mum to come and I also asked my Mum and they all agreed to let her come for Christmas), then on Sat & Sun she spent the afternoon’s at our house.
On Monday 29th Dec, she rang me up from the hotel and we spent over an hour on the phone very good convo. Tues afternoon 30th Dec, she rang again and we had a very good convo until she said “ but I still love Nic”. I put the phone down and unplugged it, I also switched off my cell phone. I checked my cell phone at 8 am and there was a message from Liz, sent at 2:30 am New years eve “I’m so blind and stupid thinking I love him when its you I love.” Talk about F-cked up!
I will fill in again about the remainder of New years eve.
I really do believe they start to believe the bs they tell others, its like they think if they say a lie often enough then it must be true.
Two days before my H moved out we had an argument, H said to me "remember about 20 years ago I asked you for a divorce????????????" Um no never ever happened. Let me say this 20 years ago we had no kids and were married about a year and I moved from th UK to the USA with him and I was so miserable, I missed my mum and dad my 5 sisters and 2 brothers all my friends, my home, my country , the food I could go on and on. So needless to say in my frame ofmind at the time if he'd offered me an out I would have been GONE!!!
So yes I firmly believe that they believe their own crap.
M 41 H 43 M 22 S 18 S 14 D 11 Affair discovered 1/12 He filed 2/12 OW#2 7/12 she lives next door. D pending
