LBS gearing up for the long haul

[Dm45]

Today I stopped at C and made appt for soonest available, 12/29. I feel I urgently need to talk to someone, so receptionist said she would see if C could call me.

I just can't control my thoughts.

Labug....if she had not left, my feelings would be totally different. I own my actions. I hurt her, long term and am responsible for it. She is responsible for my feelings.

The rules changed when she left you

I will be re-reading 37 rules after submitting this. What it feels like right now is Rule #1: I don't matter. Rule #2: Act like it doesn't matter that W left me for OM. Those rules suck.

W:I need you to be strong

WTH?!?!?!? I feel like saying how the hell can I be strong when you are living with OM?!?!? What do you want me to be strong for, so you can carry on guilt free??? She says she's worried about me? Not worried enough to make this right. Not even worried enough to say "DM I'm coming home. I don't know when." I could not bear to do this to her.

I know these thoughts are undermining the process, or could. How can I get this under control?

I get on these cycles, and try to think of positive things that have happened, that she has said, and I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEM sometimes.

I can't even believe I am making a post like this. I've seen them by others and shook my head...there but for the grace of God go I...I though I was getting a handle on myself, now slipping...