I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it. She's rewriting history and it's all part of the mlc script. You should know whether your marriage was live or memorex and if it was a good one. No marriage is perfect, but I'm sure that there were many good memories and times shared together. She's just in a very dark place right now and nothing about the relationship will be happy at the moment. It's the depression talking.
If she's apologizing, be thankful. Many of us don't receive any type of apology for what our spouses have done. Most likely her lips are moving and you are hearing the words, but you don't feel any empathy coming from her. That's typical while in crisis. There is no empathy or compassion for us...again the depression talking. In her mind, she doesn't realize that she is emotionally abusing you.
Well, I have to remind you, ultimatums don't work well on the mlcer. They take the easiest and quickest route to happiness and that would be the affair partner. They aren't big on working on their issues until they've gone through some of the stages. The more you talk about the om, the more determined she will be to continue seeing him and she will protect him.
Please stop expecting her to be a certain way, i.e., communicating more. Expectations will tear you down each and every time you are expecting her to react the way that you think she should. The person you are dealing with is the complete mirror image opposite of the woman you were married to pre-crisis. Your way of thinking now has to change and keep your expectations at ZERO at all times.
You can't fix her because you didn't break her. You can't control her, she is a grown woman and right now, her unresolved issues are calling her name and she needs to deal w/them. You weren't asked to join her on her journey, because you were not part of her stunted emotional childhood. Drop the rope, let her go and find herself. Time, patience, compassion and educating yourself about mlc and how to move forward and yet stand are the keys to helping you survive her crisis.
You are now on your own journey. Your journey is to do the things that you've not done in a long time, reconnect w/old friends and family members that you've not heard from in a long time. It is a time to develop new hobbies, go back to school, or to just rediscover yourself. It's a time to change things in your life that can become permanent, such as, if you weren't a patient man before, you can work on that now. It's a time to move forward, leave the door ajar, and if she decides to visit, then so be it...but the world doesn't stand still for any of us.
BTW, you are not done. You are hitting a wall because you are focusing entirely too much on her. You are trying to fix her and you can't. Drop the rope...keep the focus on you. Allow God to work on her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly for the swift kick in the rear. I don't know what precipitated the backsliding... I was doing really well for a while with GAL. I think, I fall into the trap of looking for ways that this might not be MLC because the prognosis for MLC is so painful to confront. Part of what makes me so focused on her is that she is still blaming me for her inner turmoil. She hops from thing to thing - dredging up something I said literally 15 years ago as an example or just outright fabricating things. It is fairly common from what I've read. They seem determined to somehow justify their actions, to reconcile what they feel (which is very real for them) with facts that just don't merit their feelings. It must be very confusing for them.
MC is also part of the problem I'm realizing. It is entirely based on this idea that there are problems in the marriage and if you just fix them, the marriage will be fixed. I leave MC every week thinking, okay, now I have this new list of things to fix and she'll come back. But that doesn't work for MLC. I could address every "problem" that she brings up and she'd just create a new one tomorrow to justify her feelings. Sure, some of our marriage problems were legitimate things worth working on - but its a small fraction of what she spews. Friends and family have told me that I was an exemplary husband and by and large, I believe that as well.
The "fix" dynamic is probably slowing down her journey because it is allowing her to continue to point the finger instead of looking inward. And as much as I want to redirect her attention to her own issues, I can't control that either. Let go, let go, let go.
You are right about dropping expectations. I guess I was thinking about expectations as relating to long term relationship expectations but I see now that it applies to day-to-day interactions as well. The other day she was sobbing. I held her and she seemed comforted. 30 minutes later, it was though she hated me for having comforted her. It is incomprehensible and the problem is that I'm expecting her reactions to be normal when really there is no right thing to do - I just have to learn that and get over it and focus on myself.
I know that I can do this. I am learning to love and respect myself. I am learning that I have to dig deeper. I am learning that even when I think I have no more to give, I find reserves that I didn't know were there. Still, I'll be so glad when the holiday season is over...
"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus ____________________________ Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
I know that ultimatums are problematic and that telling her that "I can't be her friend if she is pursuing other relationships" may not be the best strategy but it was important for me (and continues to be). I truly believe she wants to be "just friends" and having the right to deny that gives me some sense of having a tiny bit of power in the relationship. It helps me feel things are more balanced, even if it is just the feeling of having a little control - and in the end, that helps me move forward instead waiting for her to decide what happens to my life.
I get that there are consequences but right now it is helping me ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids EA:9/24, S:9/24 EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now
GM, I don't see what you told her as a specific ultimatum, but rather how you felt about her exploring other relationships. It's up to her to decide what she wants, but you are going on w/your life and living it each and every day.
Mlcers do rewrite history and the history can go way back, some even bring up things that happened when they were in their late teens/early 20's.
Keep your expectations at zero and set your boundaries. You have more control than you think...but you'll discover this as you walk the path.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
I'd consider dropping the MC if I were you. Every week it puts the focus on what she now considers a failed marriage. It reinforces in her mind why she needs to end it.
MC engages you in relationship talks and 'trying to convince' mode. Two things that oppose DB principles.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The following is the best song I’ve heard in the last 23 years. I was going thru a very testing time, I had just turned 30 and I really started to have very bad anxiety. And I think it was nearly almost as bad (anxiety) as when I was at primary school. Love Delboy
By Wilson/ Phillips
"Hold On"
I know this pain Why do lock yourself up in these chains? No one can change your life except for you Don't ever let anyone step all over you Just open your heart and your mind, mmm Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Woh, someday somebody's gonna make you want to Turn around and say goodbye Until then baby are you going to let them Hold you down and make you cry? Don't you know? Don't you know if you change? Things'll go your way If you hold on for one more day Can you hold on for one more day? Things'll go your way Hold on for one more day
You could sustain Mmm or are you comfortable with the pain? You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness, (no baby) You got yourself into your own mess Ooo lettin' your worries pass you by Don't you think it's worth your time To change your mind? No-oo no-oo
Someday somebody's gonna make you want to Turn around and say goodbye Until then baby are you going to let them Pull you down and make you cry? Don't you know? Don't you know if you change? Things'll go your way If you hold on for one more day Hold on for one more day Things'll go your way Hold on for one more day
I know that there is pain But you hold on for one more day and Break free the chains Yeah I know that there is pain But you hold on for one more day and you Break free, (break) from the chains
Someday somebody's gonna make you want to Turn around and say goodbye Until then baby are you going to let them Hold you down and make you cry? Don't you know? Don't you know if you change? Things'll go your way If you hold on for one more day yeah Hold on
Don't you know if you change? Things'll go your way If you hold on for one more day, If you hold on Can you hold on? Mmm hold on baby………………..
If you want a laugh to this song, check out the video (you tube) by 3 Welsh guys (dressed up) on the beach and surrounding countryside of Prestatyn North Wales. Where I said I cycled to in Oct 96. A round trip of 110 miles no less!
GM, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time right now. It's difficult to see how they remove everything from their lives, just as we peel an apple or remove the skin from an onion. In order for her to get to the root of her problems, she has to remove each layer of herself and her life in order to get to the core. Unfortunately, this is not a journey that you were invited on, nor would you want to be in her shoes. It is a very painful journey for her, i.e., far more painful than she is letting on.
I know you are in pain and it's heartbreaking to go through this, but feel your pain and release it. In order for you to heal, you have to go through the pain as you can't walk around it. You will get stronger in time.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
