first time - need help still

[albamarie]

oh geeez - we just had a phone conversation. i do not know why i picked up the phone- i guess as usual i welcome contact

It's ok! You went there and you have to let yourself off the hook. We all reach this point, you loved him and if you didn't react this way then maybe you never did.

Your the one with feelings and emotions, don't apologize for that. It's his issue when he needs you to comply to his crazy request to be carefree with his life. You had h to yourself, he changed the game, broke the rules, you get to hate it.

I stopped reading midway and couldn't help but yell out "she's there" there being at the point where your not afraid of the outcome as much because you don't know how much you want him back or even L him anymore.

It gives you guts, guts to speak your mind a little more, guts to challenge H to talk, explain, express something damit! It feels hurtful afterward but as time goes on it starts to feel empowering, knowing that it is really making you stronger, and helping you untwine yourself from him, not sitting back only watching him untwine from you.

he just accuses me of being too dramatic and says am i saying relatonships are "it's all or nothing" - ( IS THIS GUY for real??? . duhhh- of course it's all or nothing in my heart. sharing love and sex with ow is not something i like living with.) he says he is not like "other people" - he doesn't have relationships that are soooo rigidly demarcated

You believe it's all or nothing there for it is! Simple as that, it is your life and your opinion that counts! He knew this and made the change, you don't have to except it, simple as that. I don't think you said anything wrong here, you are taking a stand, good for you!

The one thing I would like to suggest is don't bring up the past anymore, accept what he told you it was good and have your good memories. If you ask again he may start to rewrite it and give you answers that will crush you!

Your getting the spew of how he doesn't want to loss you, I really think they mean it when they say that. Now you know he's not trying to be "with" ow as a partner, they have nothing intwining them (house, accounts) it is superficial and for now. After all these yrs of knowing the biotch he is only at this point and he is holding on to you, sounds like he doesn't know jack sh!t about what he wants.

This is were it is so important to know and learn what you want. This is were I'm at because even though H is here, not having an PA, it still makes me face a man that is not the man I loved. I have love for him, but I can't live on that alone.

I hope you get some vets to chime in here because I am asking some of the same questions you are. I would not bring things up for a while again, be that pleasant person when he comes home, you, don't reach, just be yourself.

You want to start really thinking about what boundaries you are going to implement, you really need to do this much, step back from him as an H and see if you can just get along while he's there as people. No R talk, thoughts, actions, just two people, to see if that connection is still there at least.

I would go as far as friendly contact as a greeting if that's what you do, and nothing else. Don't treat him like a leper though, just don’t be on guard. Do the same things you did when you first met him and were just getting to know him.

quote:"Perspective changes our attitude. Changing our attitude breathes hope into us. Hope. Like sunshine, it only breaks through to us when we remove the clouds of self-pity". Sit quietly and having answers come to you?

Especially while he's there at least for the holiday's. I like that you said can you talk, this would be good if you guys can go somewhere not home, and speak with out attack or words in mouth, and get to the reality of the sitch. You need to let him know that you not ok with any of this, nicely, and he is going to have to figure out some things for himself.

Then you have to know what you want...yea I don't know that either! I don't want this boring H, broken, and lost. Yours may not be broken (at least outwardly) but he is lost. He will be old one day, have to slow down, that will require one L, and one commitment, one house, and you will not be his fallback!

Are you on his hospital ''to call'', are you his beneficiary, how entwined financially are you, these things all matter. He is not seeing the reality to any of this. They don't for a long time.

You did fine...no regrets! (((((((nero)))))))) stay strong and read some good things here!