Husband and much younger female co-worker

[mum2three]

Dear All, thanks for listening. I am new here, and wish I didn't have to be here but appreciate the brilliant support of people that I have never (knowingly) met.

I have known my husband for 23 years and we have been married for 18. I always thought it was a perfect marriage. I adore my husband. We have irregular sex but neither of us have ever really had enormous sex drive so we are both happy with that. He has several female friends (very few male ones), and has dinner with them or drinks. I know and like them all. Often we know them as a couple or they predate my meeting my husband. I have no problem with that. I was always considered a catch for my husband: In fact his work colleagues are constantly amazed that he managed to persuade me to marry him. I love his character, he is a fabulous husband and father, he always treated me as the centre of his world and I always thought that he would be faithful and we would grow old and happy together.

I noticed in June that my husband (52 year old senior hospital doctor) was spending much more time with his juniors, taking them out for drinks on a weekly basis. He also wanted to join facebook, started losing weight and listening to more trendy music. I was a bit suspicious that he was having a mid life crisis and often he was more distant than usual but still very very involved with our young children (8-12). He was certainly less affectionate with me but we have had periods like that when we have both been very busy.

In September of this year he got in a panic and wanted my phone as he had sent me a text by mistake. I pretended that I didn't know where it was, but would find it when I had finished what I was doing. I actually had my phone on me and had a look, before pretending to find it and giving it to him. The text was not incriminating at all but was to a woman I had not heard of (28 y old co-worker, junior to him and with her career in his hands). I was a little suspicious and a few weeks later looked at his telephone and discovered that he had been texting her on a daily basis about non work related issues even when we were on holiday. Not sexual at all but very affectionate and caring and asking her to please come out for a drink with him; he needed to get to know her better etc; was she upset with him? Could he lend her money? Could he help her move house? he was so pleased he had helped her get her new job etc? (he was on the interview panel). He sounded as if he was chasing her. I confronted him and he reassured me and said that it was nothing but that he would stop. He asked if he wanted me to cancel a work trip a few days later when he was going with her away for 10 days. It felt ridiculous to ask him to cancel, so I let it go ahead but it really upset me. I don't think his feelings are reciprocated to the same extent. She certainly likes him, and sent him a birthday card just before they went away " Dearest X, Happy Belated Birthday. Looking forward to having fun in ..........' (I discovered this whilst snooping in his brief case together with some CDs she had leant him). She is attractive and has a lot of friends and an exotic life style and I think he has a crush on her and really wants to spend time with her.

After I told him that I found the texts and thought they were inappropriate he said that he would stop and he certainly does not text her in the same way, or at least deletes the texts if he does. They text about work but not as affectionate. They work together and will do for the next few years. He didn't tell me but I found out that he has taken her out alone for a drink and sent her a text the next day saying what a nice evening, and great dress and could he take her someone really nice next time. (This was after I confronted him) He then planned dinner with her at a very romantic expensive restaurant but that was cancelled at the last minute.

Despite trying not to, I exploded one evening and said that I wanted an explanation of his relationship with her and I thought that he ought to introduce us and let me know if he was taking her out for drinks or dinner. This was met with silence, which I took as a 'no way'.

Throughout all this I assumed that he was having a Mid Life Crisis and that it would all blow over. I have been making a monumental effort at home and he and I text several times a day with affectionate texts. We also have more sex but it is not very affectionate, and he avoids looking at my face, or me in the eye!

I just need some advice on how to cope with my feelings of intense jealousy, humiliation, rage, anger and the fact that I don't really feel the same way about him. He has been so lacking in empathy and so adamant that he has done nothing wrong and that he does not want a physical relationship with her. But I just don't understand. If that is the case can't he be honest about her? The thought of my husband treating her to dinners, and her assuming that his wife is a battle axe which is why he is so desperate to see her, hurts me enormously. Everyone I talk to is shocked that I am letting him get away with this, and I wonder if I am being a door mat but want him to choose to stop, rather than being forced to.

I would love to hear anyone else in this situation. I feel sure in 10 years time it will all have settled down but how to cope over that long a time..I feel like an option and not a priority in my marriage.

All best



Would appreciate your thoughts...thanks