Thanks Snodderly for the swift kick in the rear. I don't know what precipitated the backsliding... I was doing really well for a while with GAL. I think, I fall into the trap of looking for ways that this might not be MLC because the prognosis for MLC is so painful to confront. Part of what makes me so focused on her is that she is still blaming me for her inner turmoil. She hops from thing to thing - dredging up something I said literally 15 years ago as an example or just outright fabricating things. It is fairly common from what I've read. They seem determined to somehow justify their actions, to reconcile what they feel (which is very real for them) with facts that just don't merit their feelings. It must be very confusing for them.

MC is also part of the problem I'm realizing. It is entirely based on this idea that there are problems in the marriage and if you just fix them, the marriage will be fixed. I leave MC every week thinking, okay, now I have this new list of things to fix and she'll come back. But that doesn't work for MLC. I could address every "problem" that she brings up and she'd just create a new one tomorrow to justify her feelings. Sure, some of our marriage problems were legitimate things worth working on - but its a small fraction of what she spews. Friends and family have told me that I was an exemplary husband and by and large, I believe that as well.

The "fix" dynamic is probably slowing down her journey because it is allowing her to continue to point the finger instead of looking inward. And as much as I want to redirect her attention to her own issues, I can't control that either. Let go, let go, let go.

You are right about dropping expectations. I guess I was thinking about expectations as relating to long term relationship expectations but I see now that it applies to day-to-day interactions as well. The other day she was sobbing. I held her and she seemed comforted. 30 minutes later, it was though she hated me for having comforted her. It is incomprehensible and the problem is that I'm expecting her reactions to be normal when really there is no right thing to do - I just have to learn that and get over it and focus on myself.

I know that I can do this. I am learning to love and respect myself. I am learning that I have to dig deeper. I am learning that even when I think I have no more to give, I find reserves that I didn't know were there. Still, I'll be so glad when the holiday season is over...

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
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Me:39 WAW:38, M:9 T:19, No Kids
EA:9/24, S:9/24
EA on hold?, MC 9/30-now