Last week, on tues and Wed, I decided to "test the waters" since we had some baby steps. I initiated contact.
I don't have my DR book with me at the moment, so I can't check this out. Isn't testing the waters talking about the WAW? The reason I asked is b/c I've notice other LBH's using that term.
IMHO, the LBH should not try testing the waters whenever there has been some positive baby steps shown by the WAW. It seems that whenever this happens there is a negative outcome b/c she usually is not ready for the same results as he is. That's why I believe the walk-away spouse needs to make the moves toward the left-behind spouse. If I remember correctly, she is the one to test the waters.
When the LBH calls himself testing the waters.....there is usually a shade of pursuit somewhere in the picture,especially if he has not allowed enough time to pass.
Pursuing is what you have to be very careful NOT to do, and responding to baby steps by testing the waters is not a good idea at this stage. I think you just need to get that term completely out of mind.
Now, I'm going to say something very plain here. If I was the WAW in this stitch, I would not put up with you trying to contact me and trying to make plans for me throughout the holidays. You are controlling! No matter how nice you try to dress it up.....it is just another form of controlling. She has told you straight out that it puts pressure on her.....but you continue to do it.
That last post where you were calling & sending TM and were getting angry b/c she wasn't responding to your time and your plans and in your method/fashion, etc. (big time controlling)....she was much nicer than I would have been. She left you to get away from you. You should not contact her to see if she's alright or not. I'm serious! You have to let that go b/c she doesn't like it, and b/c you are using it as an excuse to contact her. And you use etiquette as your platform to pressure her to acknowledge your messages. Can't you see how controlling that is? It's not charming to a WAW! It's not sweet & considerate!
Every time you try to pull her in......she will resist harder. You still have that rope around her...tugging hard to draw her in.....while she is pulling away from you. It is the tug of war you won't win.
I know the holidays are sentimental and they seem to be the perfect time to take opportunities to draw her back into old familiar/family activities. However, I don't think she's ready. She's being very nice about it, and I'm sure she wants the connection with her children.....but I don't really think she's ready to hang out with you.
Quote:
Called her. Told her was worried. Told her I felt like we left it that she would be contacting me. Said she hadn't got to it yet. Was short with me, wanted to end call. I said "what are you busy?" she said yes.........don't know why I asked that because it really didn't help to know, it pissed me off, and my stupid mind wondered what she was busy doing that she turned off phone. Stupid a$$.
This is a no-no. She is not required to give you any explanation. The rules changed when she left you. You are coming across as the husband over her who she is suppose to answers to. That is very, very unattractive to the WAW, and I believe it gives her more reason to stay away from you. In other words, all you've done is to enforce her case against you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
