I began okay- addressing your post- then midway got a call from H (he's been w/ow for past several days) - (makes me always feel like i'm slowly roasting in h_ll)- so then it getslongish- sorry - but anyone's input is welcome. i feel (as usual) confused and awful about it all- can't stand not to talk - can't stand to talk...
ABOUT YOUR POST_
wow- interesting kind of conversation. i'd think it's "something" thta his angry spew is abated and he's just kind of "accepting". It's awfully negative stuff- but maybe he just needs to say these rotten icky things out loud- maybe when they come out of his mouth- they register differently in his brain (like the rest of us??) could it be? maybe - in the end, he'll be able to discard them once he's said it enough- putit out there enough- gotten tired of it himself from the repetitive gloom & doom? i don't know- one can only hope.
like therapy when you've got a physical injury and they pattern the non-functioning limb over and over and over and over hoping teh correct movement takes hold & becomes the "norm" again.
my humble (and of course, pollyanna- outlook here).
i think the fact that he says this stuff out loud- expresses(admits) confusion and negativity- etc. is something.
my non-talking- non-feeling (i guess) non-thinking h is soooo discouraging to me- i don't like it the times when we do "talk" (infrequent as it is) and he heaps blame and crap on my head- but it's "something". it's "touch" - it's contact. of an icky sort- but nevertheless.
oh well- i'm a bit ramblie this morning-
DA DA DUMMMMMM......
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD- I PICKED UP THE PHONE- WHY IN THE UNIVERSE WOULD I??? (I'M throwing in what i can remember even what shows me in bad light- maybe input from the "universe" will help me do better next time...
oh geeez - we just had a phone conversation. i do not know why i picked up the phone- i guess as usual i welcome contact- while i dread talking to him knowing he's just been w/ her having wonderful life.
it went a little "bad" - i remained totally calm- i could not help responding to his "so, what have you been up to" and when he said he was "out of town" - all i could say was "if you have decided this woman is the love of your life and total better replacement for me- why in the world are we talking now" and why would you be coming up here. ???? i asked him (yeah - i know, again) if he's had affairs the entire time we were togethr? with her or others?
he said no- he also said why the heck do i need to ask this again- if he's answered it, and think he lies. i merely said sorry but in my circumstance- trying to figure out in my head if my entire life has been wasted on something that wasn't what i thought it was - it seems crucial to me to know. i'm a person that has to find every single stinkin penny when i balance the checkbook- no more no less. i think it's who i am- I NEED THE STINKING reassurance that my memories are at least OK and i can have them without being a fool. IS THAT SO BAD???
he just accuses me of being too dramatic and says am i saying relatonships are "it's all or nothing" - ( IS THIS GUY for real??? . duhhh- of course it's all or nothing in my heart. sharing love and sex with ow is not something i like living with.) he says he is not like "other people" - he doesn't have relationships that are soooo rigidly demarcated. (something like that)???
i had to respond that he wasn't playing fair trying to turn everything into me demanding that he have no human contact except me.
I wish i had a tape recorder becasue i cannot remember what all he said and i said. i tried really hard to just be non-inflammatory- non-blamie- non-everything in the universe.
really hard to have a conversation without talking at all or asking or telling or anything at all- what, listen to each other breath? he has written a brief e-mail -one line about his aunt asking him to fix her phone. i didn't respond- my thought was "can you spare it". i figure he was still out of town- wanted some contact- didn't know what the heck to say or how to see if i was out there and what the???
thing is- he asks questions- i answer generally. i don't have anything to ask anymore. what i really want to know- i hate to know and don't like to ask.
i tried to be neutral- when he said i didn't get to be crabby & scrappy for years and not have it change his feelings for me - i just managed (gulp) to say i'm sorry if i've hurt you- i threw in (probably shouldn't have) that he was critical and crabby and tho i didn't know what the REAL cause was- i was trying to understand and would rather work on someting important to me than just chuck it and replace it.
crud - bad strategy huh? bad dbing - bad everything - bad girl...
he got edgy- he didn't end up busting a gut- he gets mad- i just don't. i just don't have even the stinknig emotion left inside me to get mad. he keeps saying i mean a great deal to him- he has no plans to move in with her- marry her- go live wit hher= he likes to talk to me - it's important to have me in his life- (he wants less of me in it!!! - but doesn't want to think it's all or nothing). i asked him what the heck he thought the last 30 years were- it was not "co workers" to me. it was what i thought i'd have for life- my family- my life. he is soooo uncomfortable - that i have emotions. he's sooooo unable to fathom that it was his lies and him that kept me there for soooo long. i didn't imagine it - or make it up- now i'm left with the caring and he's wanting to be free guy -
i'm trying to remeber & digest - he said he didn't call yesterday becasue he dreaded it - knowing how i feel and how we'd "talk".
i was going to be totally neutral- i asked him if he could just give it a try to actually talk to me like i was any other person (as i was trying hard to do) not putting words in my mouth - his conversation is absolutely rife with"i know what you think" and "I knew you'd say..." - and so on. there's not one thing he says that isn't a (wrong) repeat of what i say or said or was trying to say. wtf??? how does one
i admitted i used to love him and now wasn't sure what i felt. he is soooo afraid to use the L word to me- he has always been - YET in his covert e-mails it's allover like you know what. it's what he throws around when he's boinking someone apparently.
how sad that's the only time it falls from his lips easily. i asked him if this ow was in fact "the love of his life" - which is what he said to her in THE email. he didn't say yes, he said they've been friends for many years and now it's something more. geeeez - just rip my heart beating from my body here buddy and throw it in the stinkin street. curiously, i was not shattered - i guess i'm becoming resigned and "hard" here.
i merely said i am a person in a very bad situation - trying to gather my strength & thoughts about my entire life and figure out where i go from here.
there's more- i can't remember it all - it was makng my hands shake (i guess just adrenalin rush with no where to go)
- he got mad when i told him i hate him when he's with her. what in the world would i feel else??? later in conversation he threw out "well, you're telling me you're trying to get to hate me" - not exactly what i said. what i said was it would be alot easier of i hated him- that i didn't want to love him and i didn't want to hate him.
it was icky i'd say- and bad form on my part and bad dbing too. crap!!
i said, what in the world am i supposed to say to you? "did you ahve a wonderful weekend? did you go on trips and have lots of love????? was it great and did it make you want to never see my face again or hear my voice because he loves her more- her conversation more- her body more...... - that i feel always that he will reach some overwhelming conclusion of total love and adoration for her and we will never see each other's faces again. that he is desirous of me getting to hate him and walking out of his life so he can be free without doing the dirty work himself - - - " that he acts like it's the most normal thing in the world and i hate it. that i don't like it when he's not here- that i find it wierd when he is.
he gets so mad when he repeats to me that i said i think he wishes i'd get out of his life and never see my face again.
he says he likes it if i said i am happy to hear his voice and helikes talking to me - i said i feel like i am being expected to be someone else- not care- not express affection- not call him- not make any contact- not try to understand. in other words- be a different person that the one i am and have always been.
then this goober gets mad because he thinks i'm too dramatic and why would i say that??? why would i NOT feel or say that?
OKAY- BEST i can remember that was our deal- what the heck do you make of any of it.
i am very regretful this minute that i even "went there". he said he didn't think i'd pick up the phone- i said i feel badly seeing his number and just disregarding it. OH GOD - this is such a painful mess- i wish i could cry. i did several million times yesterday- those poor children that were shot and then of course, it spills onto one's own shabby crappy life problems. i know, and i'm grateful to be alive and healthy-
it's just- all of the above. whattya think of any of this mess...
xxo - AND I thought i was going to be productive today- i hrally have to- i'm so tired of giving in to my emotional mess of a life.
