New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

I don't feel like I'm 180 at all .. did you read my last two post? I sound pathetic and I hate it. I'm trying so hard, but I think the first three months I have been in a state of shock and now I'm coming to grips with MY husband has walked away. And Christmas only makes it worse. I wish I was a fighter. I'm not, I'm a peace maker. I WISH I was MEAN and HATEFUL. I think of all the stuff I could do. Key OW's car, make prank calls, stupid childish stuff .... it's just not worse it though. I HAVEN'T spoken to H about her since Thanksgiving. That was the last little remark I made about the w*ore (as I called her). Of course, you can read my thread and see I got called out for it.
I usually immediately regret saying things, so I really try not too. It's just hard when you hurt so bad.

I also don't feel like I'm GALing at all. Just doing the normal stuff. H really never did family things with me and DD, so we are carrying on as normal. I am doing some stuff to the house that he didn't or we didn't do. And honestly, since my parents are paying for DD's school, I have extra money to do some things that I didn't have the money for before. I do try to go out with girlfriends at least once or twice a month. I dread New Years Eve, but maybe I'll find something fun to do, or spend the night away from home. After H and I got older, we didn't do much. We just hung out with DD. Then when she started going to teenage parties, we would just go eat and hang out till time to get her. I'm sure H and OW will be doing something. The bar that H frequents (or did till he met OW there, left me and then moved her in with him)is having an Ugly Christmas sweater party Saturday night. I thought about going, just to prove that I'm making it, that I'm still alive. Part of me wants H to be there with OW, but part of me doesn't. I don't think he will be, he is coming back from GA either Friday or Saturday (Dec 21 or Dec 22). And I almost don't WANT people to talk behind my back about me, which I know they will. Plus I almost feel like it will hurt to go back in there, when the last time I was there, I was H and OW was there, but I did't know it. She was such non-factor that I couldn't even tell you what she looked like. I vaguely remember her looking at me, but I wouldn't know her again if I saw her. She has changed so much from when we were younger.
I think my H's OW took advantage of H's situation too. So yes, I agree, she is an awful human being. No morals, no ethics, out for herself only. She could and should have said NO!

So for everyone else reading ..... questions: Since H and I aren't divorced, do I need to get him something for Christmas. I thought about it and just having it incase. But then I could have it and hopefully it would make him feel bad when he doesn't give me one (and he won't). AND, since H is living with OW, she will wrap presents for DD, I know she will. Should I asked H NOT to bring them wrapped and offer to wrap them myself? I just don't think I can handle it, well I could, but it will make things that much harder.