Changing Directions

[RegretfulLA]

So bug, what was the hole that needed to be filled - for you?

What I've realized just in the past few weeks is that I have a lot more issues to overcome than I thought I had. A lot of insecurity and fear, for starters... lack of self-compassion, as my H pointed out. Not feeling worthy, as evidenced by my reaction to the encounter with Hot Guy. Fear of not being "good enough" - this is learned over years of suffering H's judgment and being made to feel "less than". The idea that if I don't behave in a certain way or conform to someone else's standard that I'm just not good enough.

I also have the feeling that I will not be able to really break out of these patterns while married to H. H feels insecure so puts judgment on me to "keep me down" so to speak. I used to be a much freer spirit.

I need to become a kinder, gentler person... I need to learn to let go of anger and be more zen.... to "act spiritually" even if I don't want to and it's hard. This is the person I want to become.

So this is what I'm working with Bug. I know I need to get "me" back, and not just that, I need to make some improvements. I know I can do it, but I also know that I work better when I have support. I have a lot of friends, I am fine in that dept, and I have you guys. I have a good IC. I wish I could say I'd be fine without a BF but right now I don't feel that way.