The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[subguy]

SS, it is difficult. I am sorry you are struggling, if their was anything I could do to help you I would. I have cried at the airport, Hobby Lobby, Wal Mart, and so many other places. I would never have thought I would have acted this way but the pain is intense. Give yourself a break let the tears and snot fly lol. Then gather yourself and take one more step forward. Then tomorrow do the same thing.

The MIL, don't mind read, if you need to know ask her. Trying to figure out what her motives are is pointless, it will drive you crazy. Sounds like a good 180 for you to write down, don't try to interpret other peoples feelings, if you want to know ask.

[eyesopen]

SS,

I don't think anyone can really understand that message. I am going to go out on a limb and say that your husband doesn't understand it either. We hear all sorts of things that we don't understand.

Throughout the rest of our lives we will see and hear things from a lot of people that don't make any sense. That is when we need to just shake our heads, laugh it off and keep going.

[Soul.Searching]

What a selfish bastard! Lol
I see now more of what is going on with H. He is buying himself everything he ever wanted but we couldn't afford. He has brought pretty much a brand new wardrobe. Top of the line gadgets. Now the motorbike licence and he has choose. The motorbike he is buying on finance.
Now on Friday comes the tattoos!! This is all stuff he has wanted for a long time but we couldn't afford it. If he hasent spent hundreds of dollars every week on food and alochol, maybe we could have.
He is apparently not buying the kids much because he hasent got much money!! Ummm okay! I wish that was my definition of not much money!!
Damn if over $1500 to blow on myself was not much money, of be laughing!!
He was supposed to have the kids this weekend, then he said he can't.
Well now he told me he was supposed to go out on Friday but not he is getting the kids names tattooed on to him, he wants to pick them up to show the off to the kids. Oh my hero!!

What an arse face! He is the most selfish person I know!! It seems he is even more determined to get all this done as quickly as possible, since I said I was done being friends. He is just a totally selfish arse!

Oh well, it's none of my business right!!

I haven't been feeling to good the last couple of days. My whole body has been aching and I've just felt really run down.
I've been falling asleep early but still been so tired.

I felt like I was going to pass out at work today. I was dizzy at one stage but it didn't last long. I'm feeling okay ATM, I'm just hoping it lasts because I want to take my kids out tonight to look at Christmas lights. I also have a whole heap of stuff I need to get done with the kids in the next few days.
Now H is taking them this weekend I need to get it all done before then.
He hasent decided if he was taking them but I told him he had to because I couldn't work out my [censored], until he had worked out his, so he better take them!

I'm not feeling sad right now, more of just,.., he is such an arse face.
Not really angry, not really surprised, just,.., I don't really know how I'm feeling actually. Lol

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Subguy and Eyes open. I somehow missed your posts.
Your right Subguy and eyesopen. That is something I am working on but it's hard. My brain just seems to put things together and it hates missing puzzle pieces.
I need to learn that not everything has to make sense to me! That other people actions are not a mystery for me to solve.

I think I have solved the mystery of H though. He is a selfish bastard who wants what he wants. These things were worth his family? How sad is that?

I think he is getting the message slowly though. He called me five times today in less than five minutes. I called him back about four hours later and he wasn't angry like he usually is, if I miss his calls. After all that he pretty much just wanted to tell me he was getting tattoos. Wow, selfish. Can't spend much on your kids but,.,,
Yeah as I keep saying arse face lol

It feel good when I'm not upset about it all. I'm just waiting as patiently as possible until the day comes where I'm not ever! Well at least not regularly.

I guess I'm back to rambling again. Lol

[JuneReN]

Sometimes angry is good, it gets us through the days like these. I recently told H that his whole BFF idea wasn't a good thing for me...lol! Somedays I am furious as well and it makes for a clean house and fast running times. So use the anger at arse face productively. Do you need a financial agreement or do you have one in place? Can't remember.

Warning though, never text or talk when you are in anger phase...lol. But you know this.

If you look at my thread, I have taken to using a lot of one line standards when I really want to rail and scream....

[LITB]

Oh well, it's none of my business right!!

SS,

It is your business if he isn't taking care of his financial responsibilities to you and your children. I hope you have a written agreement in place. Leave no room for ambiguity.

I'm afraid if you don't, you are going to regret it. Especially with the reckless spending behavior your H is demonstrating.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks RT and LITB. At BD we were living week to week. We were in debt with no savings. So all I'm entitled to is $70 a week. He has been paying that, so the rest is none of my business.

Lastnight was pretty good. I took the kids to go see the Christmas lights. H usually drives. This was the first year I did and I got lost. Lol
I didn't feel too good, my whole body was aching. I wasent really sad though. It was strange. The kids loved it and we got out and walked some of the way. H never used to want to do that, so this year we did.

I took the kids to pick out a pressent for H today. We seem a mug that said " Worlds best husband" D9 pointed it out. She said it would be good if I could get that for H but I probably couldn't because we have split up.
That was kind of sad. Still aching today but I think it's slightly better than yesterday.

I have a family member who has been taken to hospital and may not make Christmas. I called H and told him and he told me about one of his family members being taken back to hospital. It just feels like such a big mess.

H was out Christmas shopping for the kids. It's strange because that Hurt. It hurts that his so far away shopping for the kids without me. It hurts that his probably buying something special for OW. I know mind reading and predicting but it's hard not to sometimes.

H did not contact me at all today and seemed really distant when I called him to tell him about the sick family member.
He also hasent talked to the kids for three days. I was going to put them on the phone tonight but he said he had to go before I mentioned it.

Seems like he is really distancing himself now. I know I asked for it, I know it's probably what I need but it still hurts. It hurts knowing he is moving on without me. Moving on with someone else instead.

It hurts and it's hard. Yep I'm back to having a pity party!

[Soul.Searching]

Feeling really down tonight. I'm struggling with my reasons on why I'm not completely closing the door. I loved my H, I still do although I'm not sure why these days. I still love him but I don't like him much.

I'm not sure if fear plays a part. Fear of not knowing if I will ever love like that again. I thought we were forever. At times I'm so sure he still loves me.

I feel like its going against everything I believe in to leave the door open.
He has lied, cheated and generally thrown me away.
I don't understand why I have the door open at all.
I don't deserve to be treated like this. I could never do that to him.
His disrespected me in the worst possible ways.

I don't want a part time husband and with his job he can be gone for over half of every year. His selfish, I don't want a selfish husband.
I don't know if I could ever trust him again.
So why am I still standing?

To be honest, a little after BD if I couldn't have H, then I wanted somebody, I wanted that closeness. I'm slowly growing to be okay on my own.
I know I'm going to be single for quite some time.

It hurts, that I Hurt so much over someone who had treated me like this.
It hurts that he has gone against all of my most valued morals and yet I'm still here, standing, all alone. Standing through all of the rain and thunderstorms, through all of the sunshine and sun showers. Standing for something that goes against my core values.

I'm tired. I'm just so so tired.

[JuneReN]

Oh Boy, do I recognize all these feelings.... I posted and posted until I made some sense of it all, which I suggest you do.

Sometimes, when you love someone, it trumps a lot of things, and it really shouldn't, but that doesn't mean you can't forgive someone who does these things and still love them anyway.

If H were to say tomorrow that he had been the world's biggest fool and wants to come home, what would you say and why? Some things that we thought were unforgivable simply are forgivable. It doesn't mean your values are not worthy or that you are any less the person you were. It's just that you found other things more worthy.

I think also, it is time to explore the fear of being alone as well. That is why GAL is so important, I feel it is that first step to reclaiming yourself and your own space and being okay with the fact that you are on your own.

Hugs to you my friend (()))

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks RT, if H were to say that, then he would need to start IC and MC
I really don't ever see him being prepared to try either or them. Anger management wouldn't go astray either.

I have been GAL, maybe even a little too much. My body is still aching and I still don't feel very well. I just feel soo run down.

I'm okay with being by myself. I just miss the physical closeness mostly but I don't need it. There was no nervousness or uncomfortableness lastnight, while taking the kids to look at lights. It's something I have always done with H.
We still had a great time. That somehow feels like a big step for me.

Lately I've noticed that I've been pretty good when I'm out. It's only once I get home the feeling come flooding in.

I think I spent so long trying to live in denial, now I have to go back and start again.