It's been close to a month since my last post and a lot has changed. I haven't checked in on everyone yet and hope to do so tonite when kids are asleep. I look forward to hearing positive news.
I completed my inventory and wow! was it revealing! I learned so much about myself. Mostly how much I react to situations and blame others for many things. I have noticed a very big difference for the better in my interactions with everyone (including H).
I had a talk with H a few days after our first dinner alone and said, I'm willing to try. From that day on whenever I get a trigger and a very resentful vibe I remember what I said, I am willing to overcome this and just like that I let the feeling pass. I no longer let it control me.
We have continued with our dinners on Tues night. Last week we had our fourth and it was nice. He continues to hug me when he leaves and even reminds me in case I'm busy doing something.
He has said, he still doesn't feel ready to come back home yet but that he is working on it. One example he gave, what if you get a trigger and kick me out? I reminded him that I'm much better now and don't allow my emotions to control me.
My job is to enjoy the present moment and I'm working very hard at it. I try to live in the present and learn from the past.
My plans for Christmas, EVE - kids go with me to my brother's in the morning and evening with H and his family. Meanwhile I will go to dinner and a movie with friends. DAY - morning H will come over to open gifts with kids. After their nap go to my sister's house.
H would like me to join his family on Xmas Eve but I feel so hurt at the thought of coming home without him on that night. I considered asking him to spend the night but then I will feel hurt when he doesn't stay the following night. Expectations are what I'm avoiding.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Thank you BklynMom. Things are much better than they were a year ago.
Thank you NLW, I do feel like I'm in a much better place. More than anything with my state of mind.
Journaling, Today I got a tix for talking on the cell. I was really tested with this event because before I would've called EVERYONE to tell them what happened. I would've let everyone know how I felt and I would've had this bad feeling all day and projected it on to H.
Instead, I cried. I prayed. I reflected. I realized I was upset because I felt like a failure. I believe I need to be perfect and getting a tix made me feel like everyone knew I was flawed. It was in writing.
It's crazy how something like a tix would've ruined my day and my interactions with people. I was able not to react to it like before and keep it to myself. I only discussed it with my sponsor.
This was a big improvement for me.
*** Tomorrow night H n I go out to dinner. It's usually somewhere fast food and once we're done eating, we leave. We talk during dinner but don't linger at the restaurant. So my goal is to go to a non-fast food place with him and next goal is to linger.
I should add that I don't ask about OW. Nor do I want to. I would rather see him moving closer than have to ask about him and OW to find out
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I too have been working on my reactions and trying to keep things more to myself. Just read thru some of your posts, our situations sound a lot a like. I hope I can be as patient as you have been, my H just moved out the beginning of November.
Its great to have you back Vero!!! (((((((((( )))))))))))
It sounds like the past month has been positive and healthy for you. I am happy to read that.
Let us know how dinner goes. And way to go not to mention OW. OW is irrelevant to you and YOUR life.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
vero, great progress on controling and changing your reactions. that's so hard to do but i find it gets easier with time and practice.
keep enjoying your forward movement and all the good things that brings to your life. you are such a wise woman and are handling some pretty hard circumstances with such grace.
i hope you have a wonderful dinner!
(((())))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thank you StubbornDyke. I really do hope my experience helps others.
Thank you Lovemyfamily. I will check out your thread! ;-)
Thank you Bustingout. YES! OW IS irrelevant! I'll have that tattooed on my forehead when I obsess about her!
Thank you Scaredsilly. My reactions have gotten better with time. And I am trying to handle it all with grace. I look back and know I have carried myself as a woman with dignity (most of the time ;-)
Thank LITB. We haven't reconciled yet to the point where he is willing to come home but it's so much better than before.
******************* Journaling
As I had mentioned before, I wanted H and I to go somewhere non-fast food because I felt rushed. Funny thing is he asked if we could go to a family restaurant and if the kids could join us. I agreed. We had a nice time and when he called later that night I told him. He thought I wouldn't want to because the kids were with us. I didn't mind.
I started to do something. I wouldn't recommend anyone do this if your separation/BD is recent. I think I waited long enough where I could start taking steps towards R.
I put notes in random places. I put a note in a sandwich I made him that said, we enjoy your company. In the back I wrote, why? because you make us laugh. Why? because x, y, z.
I put another one in his gym gloves and in his clean clothes hamper. He hasn't said anything, but I didn't expect him to. Nor did I expect him to reciprocate. I did it to leave notes letting him know how I feel about it. Making myself vulnerable is scary for me but I took a leap.
I don't know if he's found them or not or what he thinks of them. But he seems friendlier. All in all, the past few days I've seen a very gradual but noticeable change for the better.
However, I still don't know what to do about Xmas eve. I feel sad knowing he won't be coming home with us but at the same time I'm feeling more gutsy to ask him to spend the night, even if it's just that night.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
