Changing Directions

[Spartan]

Re: not feeling loved... Well, the idea of feeling loved is a pretty powerful motivator. I understand the idea of loving oneself first, and that's been the hard part for me. I am being rejected every day and I struggle against it every day. It's all a waiting game now and I really don't expect H to come around - he doesn't want to.

I completely relate to the fear of not being loved and the feeling of being rejected daily. That's one of my holdups on really GAL because I don't want to put myself in a position to flirt or just have talk with female stranger. Not sure I'd be strong enough anymore to just get in my car and go home. I hate that I don't really know what I would do because it's never been a concern before.

[JuneReN]

Hey regretful:

It seems as if you are coming to a decision, am I right? If so, then if you continue on DB path, and add the detaching, as I believe you are ready to do, it will give you a lot of clarity in your situation.

Do you think detaching is possible right now?

[RegretfulLA]

If so, then if you continue on DB path, and add the detaching, as I believe you are ready to do, it will give you a lot of clarity in your situation.

Yes, I am ready to detach. I am pretty fed up with my sitch. I am trying to handle it gracefully. The book I am reading reminds me to "act spiritually" so I am trying to do that - which means not getting angry, not reacting, not nagging, not pursuing. Just letting the other person be. I love the metaphor of "dropping the rope." It makes sense to me.

I do know that I don't want to spend much more time in MC, especially not with that therapist. A friend gave me another name (someone with "balls", she said), and I'm willing to try, but I'm tiring of this charade. Or maybe I need a break from it. A lot of the discontent comes from not having my own space in this house. The room that I have to sleep in is also the TV room and where the kids play their video games, and also will be an office at some point but we have no shelves so there's just crap everywhere. That in particular feels very disrespectful, and I'm starting to hope that he does move out, though I feel like he's not going to.

Also, this is no way to model "H & W" for my children.

So, in summary, I think I'm definitely starting to lean more towards a separation. Logistically it might be more difficult but I don't see a clear way out of this without separating. H is not willing to try.

There's a Death Cab for Cutie song called "Kath" - and in this song he sings,

You said your vows
And you closed the door
On so many men
Who would have loved you more

Every time I hear it, I want to die... it hits me square on...

[labug]

RLA, I looked outside myself for years trying to find what would make me happy.

It wasn't until H left and I was on my own and was forced to look inside myself that I found the hole that needed to be filled.

It's scary but necessary. It seems so much easier to pin our happiness on someone else.

You can keep looking to others to fill that hole but you'll end up back in the same place.

Dig deep, my friend, dig deep.

[RegretfulLA]

So bug, what was the hole that needed to be filled - for you?

What I've realized just in the past few weeks is that I have a lot more issues to overcome than I thought I had. A lot of insecurity and fear, for starters... lack of self-compassion, as my H pointed out. Not feeling worthy, as evidenced by my reaction to the encounter with Hot Guy. Fear of not being "good enough" - this is learned over years of suffering H's judgment and being made to feel "less than". The idea that if I don't behave in a certain way or conform to someone else's standard that I'm just not good enough.

I also have the feeling that I will not be able to really break out of these patterns while married to H. H feels insecure so puts judgment on me to "keep me down" so to speak. I used to be a much freer spirit.

I need to become a kinder, gentler person... I need to learn to let go of anger and be more zen.... to "act spiritually" even if I don't want to and it's hard. This is the person I want to become.

So this is what I'm working with Bug. I know I need to get "me" back, and not just that, I need to make some improvements. I know I can do it, but I also know that I work better when I have support. I have a lot of friends, I am fine in that dept, and I have you guys. I have a good IC. I wish I could say I'd be fine without a BF but right now I don't feel that way.

[Breakdown]

What I've realized just in the past few weeks is that I have a lot more issues to overcome than I thought I had. A lot of insecurity and fear, for starters... lack of self-compassion, as my H pointed out. Not feeling worthy, as evidenced by my reaction to the encounter with Hot Guy. Fear of not being "good enough" - this is learned over years of suffering H's judgment and being made to feel "less than". The idea that if I don't behave in a certain way or conform to someone else's standard that I'm just not good enough.

This is very good! Step one to getting the focus off your H and onto yourself!

As I work thru my own issues, every time I thought I had it figured out and had addressed them, I turned over new ones. I think this is how it is when you start down this path. You start to think differently and as such, start becoming the person you want to be every day.

I also have the feeling that I will not be able to really break out of these patterns while married to H. H feels insecure so puts judgment on me to "keep me down" so to speak. I used to be a much freer spirit.

I think this is an individual perspective, so it may or may not be the case. If you can successfully detach, I think it could successfully get you there.

My W was able to eventually break out from underneath my negatives, but part of the reason why was because she had decided the M was over.

I know I'm beating a dead horse here, but given your current direction, do you think you are ready to move back into the MBR? Personally, I think this is just one more area where he is controlling you and until you stand up to it (strong and calm), I don't think your sitch is going to change much.

[RegretfulLA]

Honestly Breakdown, not being in the MBR is a major sticking point for me. H insists "he's not ready." Same argument. If I push, then I'm not "honoring" him. Which is true - but he's not honoring me either.

I definitely feel ready to focus on me. After having that experience at that party I realized that I need to do more of that. It wasn't just about Hot Guy. I talked to some of my old friends and felt a really nice warm feeling. And also spent some time getting to know someone else that I'd never spent much time with. It was a good experience. Like I said, the whole night was somewhat of a watershed event for me.

I've realized how much of myself I've sacrificed by living wih a depressed person for so many years. One of the things I'm ready to focus on is feeling more joy. I'm realizing more and more that I have to detach in order to get there.

This morning, my boys wanted to hear some songs by a band that I like but that my H does not. He stuck up his nose at this band. We downloaded an album and had a great time listening to the songs. One of the songs, ironically, was a cover of "I Will Survive" - and I highly recommend a listen to any version of that song for anyone on these boards. Another song was about a WAW. I will probably be blasting "I Will Survive" every day in my car from now on... Very empowering.

In short, it really does have to be all about me for a while.

[Breakdown]

Honestly Breakdown, not being in the MBR is a major sticking point for me. H insists "he's not ready." Same argument. If I push, then I'm not "honoring" him. Which is true - but he's not honoring me either.

I have said this before, but I can see old self in your H sometimes and man does it drive me nuts to hear about this stupid crap. There are so many levels this is wrong on:

- what are we showing our children?
- are we not equal?
- what about my feelings?
- this is OUR MBR

This is plain and simple a power play. At the very least, I'd have a sit down and discuss this. It's doesn't have to be a now or never thing, but I think a transition plan has got to be put in place.

I think you need to decide when you are moving back in and simply let him know. Maybe someone who's good at suggesting language to use could chime in here with how to phrase it, but I think you need to put a stake in the ground and then if he still needs space, the den is available

I definitely feel ready to focus on me. After having that experience at that party I realized that I need to do more of that. It wasn't just about Hot Guy. I talked to some of my old friends and felt a really nice warm feeling. And also spent some time getting to know someone else that I'd never spent much time with. It was a good experience. Like I said, the whole night was somewhat of a watershed event for me.

I agree with doing more for you....just make sure you understand where your boundaries are and uphold them. Don't let yourself slip into OM3 accidently.

I've realized how much of myself I've sacrificed by living wih a depressed person for so many years. One of the things I'm ready to focus on is feeling more joy. I'm realizing more and more that I have to detach in order to get there.

That first line really stings me, because I am pretty sure that's how my W felt for a long time. It pains me to think that I did that...not just to her, but to myself as well as everyone around me. It's a terrible way to live. We've been talking for months, but I think I finally am starting to see a little bit of that backbone!

[RegretfulLA]

Breakdown, I couldn't agree with you more, but I'm telling you that won't work with him. He'd sooner move out than move into the den. All your points are valid but that doesn't matter to him.

Hence... I'm getting tired of this... getting tired of not getting the respect I deserve.

[RegretfulLA]

And no one (especially not the MC) will challenge him on this. H gets to have his way because he's the "more hurt" one.

You would think that he might be thinking, "If I treat W like this, she might get fed up and leave." Well, subconsciously (or consciously) this must be what he wants. He has to know that it's disgraceful. So why would I want to be married to someone who does that???? Having a hard time coming up with a reason other than the kids.