Ruby, I'm going through something similar. I can't really separate the two. What I'm trying to do is to continue DBing but also keep myself open to the possibility of meeting someone else. I want to continue GALing as much as I can. However, I will also test how that works, bc every time I meet someone, I compare them to my H, and I always feel better around my H--not sure if without any contact this would go away.
I think sharing your fun activities is good. Don't share a lot. Let him be curious.
Friendship might be the basis for reconciliation--or not. We have to know both outcomes are possible. I choose to be positive and trust that the best will happen.
It might be or not. I know both possibilities are there, I just don't know if A) being friends helps me, it might be like a pacifier and I will give it up when I don't need it anymore
B) whether or not he is using me...our mutual friends really are uncomfortable around him and he wants that back, and also I know him like no one else.
being friends helps me, it might be like a pacifier and I will give it up when I don't need it anymoree.
I have the same feelings. Part of me is having problems being friends because my H certainly doesn't treat me like a friend. Or at least how I see him treat his "other" friends. I told him early on that he was my BF and H responded "Well, you're not mine."
So I get the pacifier aspect. Like keeping some contact will be good for a while until you can stand completely on your own.
I'm glad that you thought about you in not going to the holiday function. And it sounds like you had a pretty decent talk with your H. I agree on the gf introduction. That is something I will dread, at least in the short term. I wouldn't want a bunch of gf's traveling in and out of my child's life. The S and/or D will be enough trama for now.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I have the same feelings. Part of me is having problems being friends because my H certainly doesn't treat me like a friend. Or at least how I see him treat his "other" friends. I told him early on that he was my BF and H responded "Well, you're not mine."
So I get the pacifier aspect. Like keeping some contact will be good for a while until you can stand completely on your own.
I'm glad that you thought about you in not going to the holiday function. And it sounds like you had a pretty decent talk with your H. I agree on the gf introduction. That is something I will dread, at least in the short term. I wouldn't want a bunch of gf's traveling in and out of my child's life. The S and/or D will be enough trama for now.
Yep some pretty decent stuff and he said he is beginning to get the trust back little by little.
In terms of friends, emotional intimacy= physical intimacy for me and he has made it very clear that he is done with me. Obviously LL is physical and that tank emptied a long time ago.
So that is what I have to grapple with. Will he trust and open up and want to begin a new R or will he be happy to cake eat his way though the next little while?
These are hard questions to answer. So I continue to DB without thinking how will this effect H rather, how will this affect me?
GAL for me...sign up for gym plus my volunteer stuff plus going out with girls.
Catch up tonight as I go tech dark for the day lol!
Yes, I think we wean ourselves away and that's OK. Our Ss weaned themselves away, we just didn't realize it was happening.
Be friendly, be open, forget that you know him better than anyone else because that actually handicaps you. Look at everything with fresh eyes, without expectations.
My H said he wanted to be friends. My definition of friend is someone who: I trust, will answer my call be it 3am or 3pm, I can confide in, laugh with, cry with, hang-out.
He fits none of those at this point in time. So, we can be friendly.
You now have the chance to be who you want to be without having to worry about another person's likes, preferences, biases.
Really think about who that is.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just catching up w your posts today, as my sitch has had another BD.
My H too wants to be friends. Right now, I don't think I want that. Friendly (as labug says), yes, but friends, no. I think that is something that MAY happen down the line AFTER we are successful at DBing. In other words, I think they realize they CAN'T have their cake & eat it all the time, they MIGHT second guess their actions.
I like how you are thinking about things in terms of how they may affect YOU and not HIM. That is totally on track! I think that's where I need to focus now too.
Thanks for your continued support too!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks for support. Bug I did tell him yesterday that he is basically not my person anymore and that an ex wife can't be that person he wants. Like a BFF who totally gets that he confides everything to her and then is seeing hot girl in high school.
I said I am happy to discuss about our marriage etc anytime but feel that our lives now should remain private. He said " you always told me , oh I am going out with so and so , now you don't say". I said " yes, but then we were married, now we are not"
Isn't that strange? Why would he think nothing has changed ?
Funny though, I am being more me without pleasing anyone else right now. But remember, I did whatever I wanted during marriage...look where that got me. So am trying to include him through email or whatever before just making decisions that could affect kids etc. not me privately but the things we share. Like today I asked his advice on kids, as in if he had any, because they have both been pretty down and a bit awful lol! I emailed that it is probably the holidays, as I am finding it hard as well. So they must. But I made sure to include that our day goes on and we watch movies etc. play games so he doesn't think I am moping along lol!
TG. Thanks for your support, going to catch up on your sitch and lend you a virtual shoulder, kay?
Ruby, it's kind of funny how ALL of our H's want to be friends. I think they're all feeling xtra guilty bc of the holidays. Otherwise, we've got some serious synchronicity going on...
Tori-LOL! I agree our WAS all want the friend-thing. Pretty textbook, I think. It lets them play both sides of the fence/cake-eat.
The hard part is being a friend is all fine and dandy, but it makes it very difficult to detach. AND, they want our friendship but don't really recipricate a true friend's behaviors.
ruby- what do you find is most helpful in detaching?
And, what are YOU doing to get through the holidays?
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Yep, I agree.. The friends thing makes it all a little more palatable I think. Especially for mutual friends, which H is on the wrong side of. I think it may be justification for them and it must be awful nice to fall back on LBS when you need that support.
Not this chicky. I have added, I understand Mhhmm That must have been difficult I can see how you would feel that way That must have been fun!
To my repertoire.
I am happy to open up but not without a move from the other side.
Most helpful in detaching? Little contact ( kids) no personal stuff, getting off of Facebook. Not contacting my long suffering friends with yet another rant lol! Also GAL, someone flirting with me and my D saying " you know, you are really pretty mumma"
Holidays!!!???!! Alcohol is what is getting me through..... . Seriously, today I needed a glass of wine and due to divorce diet one is enough! Also doing new things, being totally behind on wrapping etc. and having my friends stand by me without fail. I willed ably shed a few tears on Christmas afternoon when kids go with H to his family's tree, but they are loved. And if I seem okay with it they will be too!
. Seriously, today I needed a glass of wine and due to divorce diet one is enough! Also doing new things, being totally behind on wrapping etc. and having my friends stand by me without fail. I willed ably shed a few tears on Christmas afternoon when kids go with H to his family's tree, but they are loved. And if I seem okay with it they will be too!