Stuck between a hard place and the biggest rock.

[25yearsmlc]

Mes amis,
Thanks for your input. I know that if you're a little harsh sometimes, it is for my good.
--
Sometimes it sounds like a ploy, but hey DBing is A STRATEGY. There are even "techniques" in the book. I'm just more consciently applying them.

The fact that W behaves as if nothing happened when she's around is disturbing. She acts as if we were best friends/lovers (except for the contact and endearment terms), which I don't know how to interpret.

I think it's better than her being angry or sullen or as you said, "In a bad humor or sulky". Perhaps she's experimenting to see if you two can get along.

IF I were you, I'd be grateful for the "acting as if" all is well, which DB suggests doing, partly b/c the alternative is tension and conflict.


Sure I appreciate it, but when I see this toddler steps, it gives me more hope than I should have.

then control your expectations. It's up to you. If she has to treat you like dirt for you to contain your expectations -that may be what you get from her.


It makes me think things are clear, and I want to rush, and just tell her :"see, we get along well! Now that you see this, come on, move in with me!" type of thing.
But I mustn't.

Of course you mustn't. Again, contain yourself.


While for the moment I am only saying words that suggest new priorities (180s),

correct...just words. So it takes longer to convince of actual change b/c all that is known is you speak differently.


it's been 6 months now that I haven't seen a mountain, jumped off a cliff, touched a rifle, free-dived or been on a mountainbike. And she knows it, so it's not just empty words either.

Why does this mean you are now a better father or husband? Are the opportunities for these activities the same as they were in France? (Or are they harder to do and you're too depressed or don't know enough folks to do them with anyhow?)

And even if so, so what?

I mean, you seem to think denying yourself these activities somehow means you are more loving. How so? Do these things they directly relate to you not changing his diaper or ever caring for him by yourself before?

You are suggesting that NOT doing something you enjoy, is the same as you showing her your love, but I don't see it. What do you mean? And I DO suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" b/c clearly your love language seems to be "if I don't have fun, I must be loving"...and I doubt she sees it that way. Just sounds like a martyr situation and that won't work long term.

Yes, I confess that parenting is new to me, but slow or fast transition, I have to learn at some point to change nappies, feed S, put him to sleep, etc..


Clearly....It's pretty late to want to know these things, almost so late that he'll be out of diapers soon...but hey, better late than never.


S knows me quite well, we've been playing for two hours twice week since 6 months now.

Oh Bruce, when you say this^^ it makes me sad. Do you have nieces or nephews? Are there ANY small kids in your life? Your son was an infant when she left you.

One time you said she didn't have enough time for sex but "always had time for the baby" and you resented it. He wasn't even a year old. He needed you to LIVE...and she must have been exhausted doing all the child care. So when you say a child who sees you 4 hours a week "knows you very well", it makes me shake my head. I cannot tell you what you don't know b/c you literally don't know what you don't know.

But there is so much more to parenting than playing a few hours a week.


And he adapts very well to new people and situations,

how would you know that? How many times have you put him in new situations and are any of them without his mother around?



therefore I thought that after a couple of days/weeks at a daycare, he would have adapted super well. Now it seems that it would take longer.


Yes it will take longer. You are only now realizing your marriage might be over but your wife left you a year ago. So it's taken you long to "adapt"....

And if he is not crying all the time, that does NOT mean he's adapting "super well". I'd be reluctant to take him to daycare if the alternative is being at home with his grandparents.


Thanks for the info, if he needs more time, not a problem

He does need more time. Period. So does she. So do YOU.


. It is best in the end that he gets to spend as much time with W than with Papa, for his emotional, intelectual and social development.

Why do you believe ^^^that? I'm being sincere. What is it about his being with you that means you're good for him or that you are what is best?

I am not mad, I repeat, I am not mad, just disappointed. What I thought would be an eternal thing between W and I, is crumbling, and I can't seem to find the right things to do to save it.
Something is broken inside me, and I feel it will take a long time to heal.

It WILL take a long time Bruce. And that's a testament to you digging deep. Keep doing the work b/c it does pay off even if she doesn't come back. You need to do this work for YOUR HAPPINESS...



Thanks for your help, it is going in the right direction. Bumpy, but we're progressing. The kudos was just to check if I was doing the right things.
A bientot,
Bruce

at least she spoke to you in person, right? That is progress.

Stay calm and upbeat but with NO expectations or demands...

DEMONSTRATE WITHOUT WORDS that you are a new changed man.

Please don't backslide or point out your changes to her. They will look like tactics, not real genuine change.

Make sense?