My wife wants to separate

[Grocerykartman]

You just posted the following:

Anyway, i know I shouldn't focus on the OM at all, but he messages her ALL DAY LONG! She is on the phone texting literally the whole day. Her iPhone beeped and she was in the bathroom and I looked at the message and he had messaged her to tell her "I miss your face". Gag me. What worries me is that he knows what he is up against. He knows her husband is somewhat successful and could be something big in a couple years, he knows she has a daughter who draws her to this family unit, he knows he doesn't have anything to offer

Also:

the one I love, the one who would never fall for a loser like this,

So I will REPEAT this:

This is an example of a thought process you need to STOP IMMEDIATELY. Because your are spending your time thinking, judging, assuming, and at least (ok, now you're absolutely obsessing) about this guy. You have spent a lot of energy characterizing him. Do not spend one more ounce of energy comparing yourself to him.

Why? Because you know you are the better option, right?

Or do you?

Really think about this...everytime you compare him to you, you are actually second-guessing yourself. Cadet is right in his previous post, you have been given the gift of time, and I would also say, space here. With this gift, you can either stand pat with the way you act and spend your thoughts and energy cutting down the other guy...

OR...

you can dismiss the other guy's existance entirely and use the time you are separated from her to vastly improve and reinvent yourself for YOU, not for her.

Sound familiar?

They all think I am an AWESOME guy! I really am I catch (have to toot my own horn to remind myself that she is crazy). I grew up in Dubai, went to a private British school that was rated top ten IN THE WORLD. I graduated from college here in USA with a double bachelors in Computer Science and Computer Engineering. I immediately went into the master program and started a business. By age 24 I was making 6 figures at my business.

SO?

Seriously, so? If all this were enough you wouldn't be in this position right now.

I get your resentment towards her. I felt the same way a lot of times. I was busting my tail at work all hours of the night, missing time with my family, in the hopes I would finally get comfortable with my career and then I'd be able to relax. Yes, you'd think she'd appreciate all of it, but she's not an employer, or your teacher, or a professional cohort, or just happy to only give you a lifetime of "atta boy honey!"'s.
She's a wife, and wives have different needs than that.

I'm the last person to be able to tell you what you could have done differently or balanced your life better, because I never did figure it out. Work was priority 1 for me, then my daughter, then my wife, and I just couldn't grasp how to not stress about work and focus on getting where I thought I needed to be. It's just the way I'm wired, and I still struggle with it. And it stings man, it does, particularly when you think the other guy has no concept of what it takes to work as hard as you do.

But I can absolutely tell you that you must not act as if you're surprised that this happened. Again, wives need more than that horn your tooting. Carrying that resentment will only poison YOU. You will NOT improve yourself carrying this resentment, and you need to or you won't get her back.

Because she has, by her actions, basically told you "So?"

i have a question in case any of you can shed some light on this theory. On marriagebuilders.com they say you should expose the affair to all her friends and family, and all the friends and family of her OM. That puts a strain on their relatioship. however DB and DR suggest not to discuss these matters with any of her friends because she will be mad. What gives?

Here's what gives, MAD is not the emotion you need to worry about if you expose her. Her SHAME is what will prevail. Being mad passes over time, sometimes very quickly even. Shame and embarassment can last forever.

Have you ever felt extreme shame in anything you've done? I'm sure you probably have, even if it was just something as a kid you did. I know the times that I have felt it, you usually wonder if the person who you wronged will remember it. The more shame you cast over her, the harder it is to make things work later. The more people who know, the more people there are who she has to worry about judging her, for who knows how long. Of course, I'm not sure why SHE is telling everyone, sounds like she's just looking for support here. But don't add fuel to the fire. There's a saying on here to the effect of "keep the road to home paved and smooth." Exposing her just makes the road full of potholes and mud.