The green green grass of home. (Part 2 )

[Soul.Searching]

Subguy, I haven't actually written down 180 and goals. I guess I should actually do it. Thanks Cv and Val, i know your both right. It just sux.
I have realized a lot of things in the past few days.
I have accepted my new reality but I'm still stuck in hoping things will change.
I have been trying this whole time to suppress my feelings. It's worked to an extent but they always come back. Suppressing things is unhealthy in the long run. I need to feel my feelings, even if I don't like them.
I've been trying to convince my self that I am okay.
Well there's a huge difference between pretending that your okay and actually being okay.
I can't rush the healing process. I have to let it take as long as it needs to take.
I know these things are all regularly said around here but I tried to convince myself I was fine and moving on with my life.

Well I'm doing my best to move on but I'm not really fine.
I'm continually fighting urges to contact H. It's so hard, especially knowing OW is involved.
H was supposed to be picking up the children on Friday because he didn't have them last week. Well now he might not be. He said at one stage he will just have them every second weekend over the holidays. WTF?
That suits me fine but I'm sure the children won't like it.
We will just have to see how it plays out, I guess.

He sent me a message the other night after I told him about not hanging out.
"I'm sorry for hurting you I didn't mean for that to happen I was happy with us at one stage I don't know what happened I think we both just grew apart and we made each other unhappy I don't think I could love any one the way I loved you not the same way any way you were the only one I ever cared for or loved but not being happy now and falling apart it's only fair that we both have a chance to find that some one"

I don't understand that message but oh well.

Things are really hard for me right now. I hurt, I fear, I resent what his doing.
I'm trying to fully accept things and allow myself to feel.
Tough times.

Oh also H is living with MIL, I have always been pretty close to her but lately she has been cold and distant. Yelling at H for spending time here etc. I told him myself but I hasent spoken to her about it and I feel she was pushing him further away. I thought she wanted us to get back together?
I just don't get it.