One year after BD and I'm happy!

[scaredsilly]

i haven't been on here in a while, at least, not with my own thread. i've been doing what i did in the beginning; lurking, a few comments here and there, hoping to help.

it was one year ago today that my H told me he wanted to D. it was so hard and i was devastated. i've been through all kinds of ups and downs, as some of you on here may remember. however, i think i'm in a much better place now that i would have been had this not happened to me.

my H is courting me and talking about R. i am hesitant, to say the least. he's not fully committed and is still living at his mom's, or at least, has most of his clothing there. he works out of town for five months out of the year.

i lost my mother this month and that motivated me to tell him that his reluctance to fully commit to me and a marriage with me, and to put our relationship before all others, was wasting my time. i advised him to leave me alone because i was no longer a member of his family.

really, either sh!t or get off the pot. also, i'm not sure he's the right man and partner for me. he has really enjoyed a pretty one-sided marriage and i don't think he would be able to give that up.

i told him all this, that i can't do this anymore, that i can't be married to an absentee "husband" who wants to live and spend most of his time with other people. i told him we don't have a marriage and maybe it's enough for him but not for me. i told him i love him but eventually, i wouldn't if things went back to where i didn't matter.

then he sent me a picture of a poster that said, "nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending." HA! that's one of the lines i sent him soon after BD! i had to laugh.

i had written, soon after BD, 16 different "papers" on all the things he, his family, and especially, his kids had done to me and all that i had done FOR them over the course of 16 years. what started me on this was his revisionist history of me and our marriage together. after the bomb, i was never any good and we never had any good times, in his mind.

i began to list all the good things i did for them because i NEEDED to know. well, things just came pouring out. i vented all my pain and anger and frustrations on those pages.

yesterday, when he told me he wanted us to be together, i thought, maybe it's time to let him read all this so he can know how i was hurt and what it was like to be a member of his "family" and then to be kicked out and ignored.

so...i emailed them all to him today! what do i have to lose? i already know that, if things don't change and we have a more mutually satisfying marriage, without the intrusion of his adult kids always coming before our relationship, i don't want to be married to him anyway! i'm happy with my life now. i do what i want. i see my grandkids when i want and don't feel like i'm neglecting him. i go where i want. i don't cook when i don't want to. i have the entire walk-in closet, all to myself (i saw this on another thread and it truly is wonderful).

i can survive on my finances alone. i'm still fairly attractive and enjoy men very much. my family is happy to have me around. life is good. it's good to have options and to feel safe. it's good to finally be good enough...for me!

my mother died at 84. her mother and father both died at 84, also. i'm under no illusions that i have all the time in the world left to me. i plan to make the best of it. i hope and pray that all of you who are out there and afraid of what your life will be like if you don't remain with your partner, will find the peace and contentment that i have. i'm even excited about my future, with or without my H. i know it will be better because i'm caring and protecting myself now.