I've been feeling pretty bad today. It's tough going through the day at work and putting on a fake smile, having boring conversations about things I care nothing about. It's not always like this but today it is. Yes, I know, on days like this one needs to stay busy, or talk with friends, or family, or, or, or...whatever, I just want to shed a tear...I read stories on the boards and some people work things out, some people find their way back to each other, and that beautiful. I want to be one of those people. I am not depressed, I am sad. I am not angry, I am hurt. I want to call X1 and apologize for what I did to her. I want her to know I understand how she felt. I am not going to do it because I know that would be for my relief, not hers. I don't believe in a G*d, but I believe in energy, and this is karma. This is the world teaching me. This is me learning. This will leave an imprint on me for the rest of my life, even if we were to get back together. Not a negative imprint, not a bad one, but one that I will draw from and use as a measure, a life measure.
I am usually pretty up beat about all this. I cry sometimes but that's ok, boys can cry too. But today it tough, I don't know why. Sometimes I read posts about people that have reconnected and remarried and it's great and makes me happy but sometimes it makes me picture her in my minds eye and, well, you get the picture...
I've read through most of this thread and felt as though I were reading my own H's possible postings 5-10 years into the future. I've learned a lot, so thank you for sharing, 4311, and for your amazing insides, Kaffe.
BTW Tori, not sure where you are on you path, not exactly sure what you meant by seeing 5-10 yrs into the future. I mean, I get what you're saying but not sure of the specifics. Anyway, feel free to ask questions, ANY questions and I will offer all I have...
Tori, after thinking about it, by saying that you felt you were reading what your husband might be posting in the future did you mean that if he stays on the path he is on now you may leave him? Is that what you meant?
4311, I just want to add to my post above that these boards can be quite active and sometimes they can be really slow. Post your thoughts, use this board as a journal, if you would like. It is helpful and as you progress, it can possibly help others and also give you your own feedback loop in the future. ie. Thoughts now may make sense or be more clear to you if you read them again a month from now or 3 months from now.
That said, I feel for you and I have no doubt many who might be reading this thread silently feel for you and your sitch. We are all living our own similar journeys, even though they are unique in themselves.
I'm glad you ordered DB and DR. While you may find some of the information is the same, DR is compiled and printed later and has a slightly different format. Almost more like a workbook or reference guide. They are both great resources in their own right.
Keep reading around here. You may likely see yourself in many sitches and in many places within the board including the Newbies section, the WAS section, and the MLC section. Think about how you fit based on your thought processes now, 5 months ago, 6 years ago, and 20 years ago.
This is a journey of learning, of enlightenment, of courage, and of growth.
4311, take this with a grain of salt. It was just posted today by a member who's H "left" her, 6 years ago. The reason I reference it is because it reminded me of your post above regarding leaving your X1 alone with her new life as you don't want to cause her grief.
I've read it. I guess while I assumed that a left spouse would always think about what happened from time to time - I thought that making contact again would not be worth whatever she got from it. That said, I really have no idea. Are you suggesting I should consider it? While I assumed that X1 now knows who X2 is, I could be wrong. If she never knew who I went to and finds out now I really think that would crush her. Finding out that I ended up with someone is one thing. Finding out I ended up with HER...that could crush her all over again. I would really need to think about this and I don't know if I will find the answer.
It seems that Forward knows a lot of what happened and who it happened with and is just looking for acknowledgment. But what if the OW ended up being her best friend, or her sister...crushed, all over again...what do you think?
In all fairness, what you do is up to you and should be your choice. It is not my place to suggest you do or do not contact X1. That's not a back peddle, it is simply a reality.
So in the end, this is simply food for thought. Maybe something to act on if you so choose and maybe something that you just think about and then keep moving forward.
And that goes both with X1 AND X2. Because this is YOUR journey.
Again, that said, as I mentioned earlier, perhaps you are simply attempting to rescue X1 by leaving her alone. Yet in reality, perhaps she is adult enough, mature enough, stable enough in her own mind to deal with what ever you might have to say to her.
That... should be HER choice... whereas right now, you are worried about protecting her new life... she might not respond at all... she might thank you for letting her know... who knows...?
Again... this is all food for thought. At this time, I don't think you should do ANYTHING about these thoughts. Just sit on them... Eventually... you will do what you do and it will be right for you. And that, again, might simply be you mulling this all over and moving forward with your life.
