I have taken to saying "I don't think I am understanding what you are saying," And ask for clarification of a certain part/ H and I agreed today that there has been much miscommunication due to well, miscommunication. An action means this. So we have said we are going to clearly define things or ask for clarification.
Of course it may take a little time for your H to say what he means when you ask for clarification, maybe he won't even get there. He seems to be using these opportunities to spew rather than communicate.
Congrats with not getting sucked into the argument!! I got partially sucked in today and it was darn hard not to spew back and justify my actions!!
