New to the forum, WAH 10/3/12

[notsurewhat2do]

Oh yea, for those with kids .....
I have a fear of DD holding in her anger and then rebelling or letting it out in unhealthy ways. I think with her age, she's not sure how to handle her emotions, she is talking with a few friends, but not much. And she doesn't with me because 1)she doesn't like talking about it and 2)she doesn't want to upset up. I think she is feeling out of control of the sitution so she is just making the best of it .... anyhoo... When DD was in 5th/6th grade H coached our school 5/6th grade football team. He loves coaching and is really good at it. We made friends with one of the boys and his dad. I think in 6th grade the boys parents divorced. It wasn't real common knowledge and was kept pretty quite. I asked the boy today if he would contact DD. I told him that she said a lot of her friends don't understand because they were so young when their parents split. So he said he would AFTER today, he is studying for exams. (He goes to a different school now). But he did tell me that at the time, he kinda ignored all the stuff and didn't care, but last year (almost 4 years later) he had like a break down, missed a lot of school and quit football. I said that's my fear, you are a good kid, but divorce has a major effect on kids. All the experts say they are tough and resilient, but I don't care what they say it effects them. He agreed. He said it has a major effect on kids and the longer it's bottled up the worse it is. He said he hated his dad with a passion for 4 years, then last year he just exploded on him and life has been so much better since then. He said he thinks the best thing is to let it out. He said he thinks the worse thing a parent can hear is that their child is angry at their actions or disappointed in them. He said when his dad found out that he hated what he had done and was utterly dissappointed in him it was a big pivot point for him.
WOW! I so needed to hear that. I'd love to sit down and talk to him one day. Just ask him what I, as mom, should or shouldn't do, what he wished had happend differently. I asked if he wishes he had told his dad that earlier and he said didn't know since everything worked out okay. He offered his mom up to me, saying she was the greatest. But I'm not that close with her and it would be awkward. I asked this guy friend to reach out to DD. That I thought she needed to hear his story. I did ask him not to tell him I asked him too, but just to check on her.
DD wants to talk to H, but not sure how.

Her girl-friend asked her Friday night if she wanted to meet OW and she said NO. She didn't want anything to do with her and was afraid if she met her she'd "go off on her". I really can see my DD completely ignoring her. She blames her as much as I do. Although I blame H too, I blame OW more. She saw an opportunity and took it. She saw a man who was unhappy. (story about this below) Wrong or right, I do. To me, she has ruined mine and DD's life. I will always blame her. And she will never be my friend. Regardless of H stays with her or not. NOW, if OW was not in the picture and they started dating later (like after divorce) I could see us being "civil" and maybe friends. But NOPE, I WILL NEVER BE HER FRIEND and she will never be invited to any of DD's events. I don't care if they marry or not. H will always be invited, but I will make it clear that I don't want her around. Call me a b*tch, but right this moment, that is exactly how I feel.

Okay, call me b*tch again, but when H and spilt 10 years ago. I met a guy about 3 months into the split. A really, really nice guy. He was divorced, cheated on his wife (almost same situation as mine and H's - although a little more severe, his wife had a brain injury). Our relationship started because he was easy to talk too and offered a lot of male perspective. At the time, I suspect H was having an affair and would never come back home. I started DBing around this time, after reading the book. So, I started focusing on myself more. I saw this guy a little. We went to lunches, had a mutal friend. He cooked me dinner, etc. I guess you can say we were dating. Then H popped up and started wanting to come back home. I told OM. He encouraged me, cautiously, to explore it. He told me that it would be best for my DD, then 5, to have her dad around. He told me more than once to let him come home. That he knew it was what made me happy. That although he was falling for me, he knew it was the right thing for our family to be together. That man is now married with a new baby (with a terminal illness - it's terrible). But to me, he was a good man. I know that it was wrong for me to get involved, but I was looking for someone to help rebuild my self-esteem. My counselor at the time cautioned me about it, moving too fast he said. And I look back and I was, but it help me be stronger just having him encourage me in every situation. But it showed me what a good man he was to push me BACK to my husband. If he hadn't, I'm not sure what would have happend. So the moral to my story was, OW did't have to agree to date a married man. She was dating someone else and broke it off with them to date MY HUSBAND. I just think she is ready for marriage and after the loser she was dating, my H is looking like a millionare to her.

See, a lot of anger today. Probably misplaced, since most should be directed at H, but I just feel like if she wasn't in the picture, all of this would be so different.