you know- i get some similar type junk - and it's junk.
my reading of my h saying "i won't stop you if you need to do x, y or z" is that he is willing to allow me to walk out of his life because i guess he reckons ow is "enough" for him.
his life is sooooooo full now that he has re-connected with her and allll his buddies. (and this guy was the most outrageous recluse for past 30 years ! wtf ( ) i say that alot - don't I???
i speculate that he doesn't have the darn guts to end it with me because :
a) he'd feel like the bad guy (he is) & it doesn't fit with his image of self in mind.
b) no stinking guts at all - keep runing away from confrontation and sooner or later i'll do it for him.
c) still cares more than he'd like (?) - sometimes i think it- sometimes i think i'm as big a nut as him if i believe it.
d) mwd says MOST people who can ride it out manage to keep the r together in the end. IN THE END - WHEN that end is- who knows? can you do it??? can i do it??? is it worth it??? not a darn clue.
i get same stupid - non-meaningful thing. "i don't think we should get out of each otehr/s lives."???? "stay til you have someting better to do or go to - ".??? .blah blah blah-
i can't even go there or list junk- this man here is totally immersed in his own stupid - cruel world. he thinks paying bills or buying me something makes up for treating me like his stinking dog. arf arf...
i don't LEAVE - SO I GUESS he assumes it's working and i'll "get used to it". i honestly think he believes it. i have not disabused him of the notion. best done when my plan is secure and i am truly ready to walk. i don't think one minute before that time i'll say it out loud. he can figure what the heck he wants.
sometimes i feel almost sorry or guilty to not tell him where he's heading with this- then remember i've said it all back in the beginning- and he can remember or not. if he's too blind or dopey to take it seriously- then at this point i cannot "save" him from his own stupid course of action. this is not funny or casual to me - and i don't want any blowup and parting before i'm ready- or the initiating party. I'll deal IF I HAVE TO , if there's a surprise blowup on his part. otherwise- i'll bite my tongue and hang here til i f'ing xplode if i have to - to take care of myself and insure as best possible my future or plan.
i think it's "war" - and much as we'd like to assume good of them- i don't think they feel it anymore. it hurts- but it might be true. they don't give a damn what they're doing to us- how we feel - or how they crush our hearts or souls- if that ain't "war" i don't know what is.
soooo- it goes against my grain- but i'm not opening up about anything in the universe to this guy. if he totally totally ruins every single thing about us and we never even see each other's faces again- it will be his own doing. i'm just still gonna work on getting "tough" and used to the idea of ALONE - ETC.
MY H IS A LIAR - FIRST and foremost. i am not bankng on anything he says. he says live here as long as you want- i'd never force you to sell- yeah rite. he's lied for soooo long- now that i know it- how the hck would i ever really believe anything out of his mouth. he'd be surprised to hear that- he is kinda crazy.
i'm outta here- can you see me just degenerating into spewing myself??? it's that glass of wine and being soooo angry and disenchanted over this school shooting and the horror and totally unacceptible-ness of it all. i have had it- this country needs to quit bragging about how great we are- look at the values of our countrymen and do something new - no guns- no violence - we're not a frontier anymore. how can we function if we have to fear for our kids in school???? i swer- if i could get myself to washington tonite i'd be marching in front of the whitehouse saying no more guns- no more terrorism at the hands of armed americans - no more fear - blah blah blah- oh man... i need to go sleep this off or something.
here's what i find myself thinking to say to you. if i read the whole db spiel rite- the advice would be- hang in there- don't just throw in the towel and make it easy for him.
the ea stuff stinks- learn to go somewhere else in your head- it's all about out-enduring the ow and whatever is on the table.
you know- my reading of my h saying "i won't stop you if you need to do x, y or z" is that he is willing to allow me to walk out of his life because i guess he reckons ow is "enough" for him
Funny I can't tell you what my H is saying but I can help you with yours. First, when you wrote that he said this many post ago you also wrote that he said "don't go" don't minimize that, he said it!
He's not ready to give you up nor is ow ''enough'' for him. You don't know what she is for him, don't assume. If it has really been so many yrs than why didn't he go then. ow is not the answer to his search, his journey to fantasy land has no real answers! He's not done working through his MLC!
It's his issues that are coming down on his head and he only blames you because he trusts that you are the closest to him and also the most trustworthy person in his life.
I know this sounds stupid, but my H says their problems come spewing out of their mouths to us, because there is (in a sick way) a trust that we won't hurt them.
Do we want to hear it, no, do they really blame us, not according to my H. He calls it talking me, is talking to himself.
There is a connection between you and H, he does still "want you" around, yes it's self centered, self indulgent, aggravating, hurtful, and wrong, but it's up to you to figure out how long your going to give the sitch.
It's your home too, stop feeling like a visitor that he allows to live there. Your on the title, he is not asking to split a sale, he doesn't even threaten you.
You have the same problem I do, you just want the man he was back, your life back, and your pissed. Your frustration comes from the fact that you have no control over him, me too. But, don't guess he's happy, or what he's doing, your gonna go crazy, like I will.
If ow was soo important in his life he would be facing greif when he's ''home'' w/you, picking you up to drive you to FL. I read other post of H's who get slack from ow's for being "home''.
These WAS's who truly have OP's that are fully in their lives have to report to them, account to them, get screamed at by them, hell some write how they will show up in the car with WAS in front of your house.
I'm not saying you have it easy in any way, but we are truly both are own worse enemies of assumption. What you say about H's character is all true, your future concerns are all valid, but none of this anger we have helps. I don't think of the future, but I sure do hate the present.
I sure do make the present worse than it needs to be by assuming, and thinking, and thinking, and OMG thinking! I read some stories here and gasp at the extent of the hurt that is thrown at people. I also read the success stories to give me hope.
I like to balance it all out, give myself choices, and try to realize I have to be happy, with whatever I chose, not H. He is not in charge of this, but I still give him charge over my thoughts, even he doesn't understand why I mind f*ck myself? That's is were it is my problem, not his.
mwd says MOST people who can ride it out manage to keep the r together in the end. IN THE END - WHEN that end is- who knows? can you do it??? can i do it??? is it worth it???
Ride it to the end...yes I have heard that over and over. When does it end...not soon enough. Can I do it...I hope so or I better be damb ready to face something with a strong mind soon. Is is worth it...he has change my and how I feel about him, I don't see myself wanting as little as he gives/gave me of himself, it is worth it to try and come out of this a better me for any future relationship.
Sorry, I know what you mean about that wine...I kinda rambled here, maybe I was talking to myself too
I just want to hear that you and I are heading to a better place finally, there is too much hurt, we are better than this, we are sometimes in our own fog, but at least we have healthy minds to get out of it, even if they don't, ever!
(((((((nero))))))))) best to you...DM!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
What does he mean by that...I don't want you to leave, I wish you wouldn't, but I won't stop you. Home will be waiting if you need to return?
Well, h says he's not try to or having a R w/ea. He doesn't want me to leave because though he is not sure about himself, he knows I am not the problem.
He offered if I need him to he would go, I said that offers me nothing because I am the one unhappy and who has always wanted to move out of town, I will not be the one left behind here ( I know TMI to give him) but it came out!
I also added he is not trying to have a R w/me either because of ea, I stand my ground on NC. He said he understands my convictions but want's his friend. I said I will not live in il. he can live in this house, D18 comes w/me, our 3 S's can figure out work, but everyone will end up w/me eventually.
Then he says ea contact has been dwindling...they don't speak as often and when they do it is volatile because of her insistance he start worring about his marriage
Than he says if he can't talk to her, he will not talk to me...now he's spewing! I stood up to him. I said oh, so she's on my level, he says no your far better, there isn't even any competition, she's just a friend he can rant crazy spew at and her problems are worse than his!
He says his anger is still there but it is not like it was...there is no strength, no power behind it, it's like a weakened storm. So now he feels vulnerable, even scared that he can't push on and handle life's challenges (not that he was really handling anything-just between us).
He is facing his past and how it affects our present... he's not proud! But, he's not healthy either, he's lost, broken, and not reaching out, but doesn't want me to leave.
I think I've decided to not leave...I'm going to go for the ride, but I am going to be steering this in a direction for all of us, and if he gets off, that's on him to find his way back.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Funny I can't tell you what my H is saying but I can help you with yours. First, when you wrote that he said this many post ago you also wrote that he said "don't go" don't minimize that, he said it!
He's not ready to give you up nor is ow ''enough'' for him. You don't know what she is for him, don't assume. If it has really been so many yrs than why didn't he go then. ow is not the answer to his search, his journey to fantasy land has no real answers! He's not done working through his MLC!
i love you for saying this stuff and giving me hope to continue a bit longer. i fear hope - but it's who i am i guess (you too i'd think) i don't want to allow myself it..
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You have the same problem I do, you just want the man he was back, your life back, and your pissed. Your frustration comes from the fact that you have no control over him, me too. But, don't guess he's happy, or what he's doing, your gonna go crazy, like I will.
i know- i hate this guy, what he does - i miss that guy i loved who loved me. so, who is the "real" guy??? i am crazy feelin quite alot- geeeez we're sure kindred spirits. you'll never know how it saves me every day to think one person KNOWS what i feel- is trying what i am and feels nuts most of the time also- i don't know why it's soooo important to feel *understood" - at least by one human being -
[quoteI'm not saying you have it easy in any way, but we are truly both are own worse enemies of assumption. What you say about H's character is all true, your future concerns are all valid, but none of this anger we have helps. I don't think of the future, but I sure do hate the present. ][/quote]
me to , me to - me to....
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I sure do make the present worse than it needs to be by assuming, and thinking, and thinking, and OMG thinking! I read some stories here and gasp at the extent of the hurt that is thrown at people. I also read the success stories to give me hope.
I have trouble branching out & reading others here alot. i'm trying - but honestly it depresses the hell out of me- what people are doing to each other- i end up blubberie and incredibly depressed. i just can't handle alot more of this "stuff" - you're sure rite about the thinking. i tell myself stop - - mornings are worst - i could wake up and cry alot of days- very quickly tho, some coffee & getting busy get me thru another day. i'm doing much much better in the "don't wallow" dept.
Quote:
I just want to hear that you and I are heading to a better place finally, there is too much hurt, we are better than this, we are sometimes in our own fog, but at least we have healthy minds to get out of it, even if they don't, ever!
well- whether it's wine or wisdom- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TODAY. I FEEL after reading your post that "I CAN DO THIS" for another day. i am not at my "end"yet- OR i'd be out of this life altogether i guess. you too i'd say. i do feel near it - ALLLLLLL THE TIME - but that's been , like, forever. maybe it's the state of being - while dbing. i don't think we'd even be trying if we were there- i don't think we'd be thinking if we were there (the end). i think when you-me-one achIEVES total absence of caring (maybe) then we're all ready to jump ship. like being in a burning building and you realize all of a sudden you're going to die from the fire- so what the heck- bombs away.....
did that make sense? i'm like a stinking bulldog with a bone- i know - it's soooo me in life- hang on - hang on- endure- understand- give another chance- suck up the bashing (verbal-) and "rise above it". i hate it about myself- i like it sometimes about myself- it's soo me. do we want to change that? the gal at the bottom of it all that keeps on enduring - stamina- what? guts? (foolishness?) i don't know. i don't want to be someone different. i really don't want to become what i don't like in others-
HTANKS SOOOO MUCH FOR YOUR POST i am serious- it is making me get plucky ad pick up myself by my bootstraps this morning and proceed with my life. go to the flea- find a treasure no one els3 sees .. go to the party t onite - stay one more day.
i think we'll both KNOW when it's our END- for the moment thank you for holding my hand thru this-
it's keeping me moving forward - no kidding. didja ever think you'd be someone's "savior" with your support? btw - i do think our "minds" are getting fortified and stronger - little by little- and our hearts - we're not 'rash" girls or impetuous when it's important. (maybe?) this seems to be important- no?
thanks for input- so far- per db - my response is to "sit tight" and try and remain calm and be myself.
getting harder and harder when i know he is with her down in FL. you say you're living in same house? but in this sitch too?
is your w involved with someone else? (i;ll go find your thread when i come home later) how do YOU manage to be yourself in the face of this awful - up & down mlc thing?
sometimes when he's here i can almost remember feeling for him what i used to. when he's not here i feel mad all the time that he is so happy away from me. it's so insulting and, well, just hurts my feelings that i am so neglible in his life.
trying to keep quiet and not "go there". hardest thing i've ever done- what keeps you hanging in there and towing theline?
i keep telling myself i will know when i'm "ready" to end this all. he doesn't spew or talk much - never has - about feelings. db seems to make sense - tho, it is hard to know if it is all just a monumental waste of time and me just sucking up the misery - tho, if i walk out and am lonely & blue & poor toboot - i guess that's misery also.
it's the love part- the money i'll manage somehow - i can't figure out if TOTal LONLINESS better than this lonliness - ? this together-lonliness is soooooo rotten.
I think it's your C option- he's too caught up in all this fun and intrigue & exciting sex and this ow who (maybe) he's been simmering on a back burner for years and years.... can anyone really "fight" these things? if he feels he hasn't been happy for past ten years (gulp)since (quit smoking-RETIRED-dad sick & his "responsibility)(only sort of tho) - creaky joints-renewed tennis "stardom",) and now he gets to give himself DOSES of it- spaced out between daily texts and so on- it seems to me he has THE PERFECT situation , and why would he ever stop it or need to?
i know everyone thinks it would wake him up if i walked away - for good. i am not so sure- i mean, what if it didn't and i just walked away to the total lonliness thing-
i think i'm nice and we surely had a good thing- but if it's not anymore for him- why would i assume he'd even care. it would be one big barnacle off his hull- clear sailing...
Hey Nero - I wish I had kids around, my S's all in there 20's are a little ba- humbug. My D18 is still a believer and want's to make cookies on the eve since grandma - pa have jerked us around, again.
I was so glad to hear you had fun at the party, we really need more of that in our lives. Can you imagine if we had a DB party, we would need a city to fit all of us LBS who are in need of a friend.
Try to stay positive, you are really doing so much better, and if I can read that, think how much more your reflecting it in person
I was watching a movie - Crazy, Stupid, Love! It's about a W who gave "the" bomb to her H. It's w/ Julianne Moore, and I kept thinking about you because of her strength and heart during her sitch, and red hair!
It's gives a little perspective on what the other side is like and how they do struggle w/their choices as well.
Hope for a good day for you, mine is still up in the air as H is in his last wk of work before the dreaded 12 days off.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
oh well- at least your d still wants to do something with you. my 14 yr neice is quite busy lately with new social life- 1st yr highschool- i know the drill. i don't mind - but miss my little buddy.
oh well- nobody in the universe around here- this empty house is killin me. got fingerprinted this a.m. for school substitute job- they sure put ya thru a bunch of junk - alll dragged out over long long time- geeeez. i never realized how impatient i am.
one of these years - now to find a tb test cheap!
i swear- i cannot gt past not talking to h for 3 or 4 days- we've never gone this long- i forget how mad it makes me to be totally totally totally FORGOTTEN AND FORSAKEN. OH MAN-
really suc_s alot. i just hate being nothin. oh well- like there's a darn thing in the world to do about it. either shutup and suck it up- or go ballistic and throw it all in the toilet rite now. i am soooooo mad and on the edge - how many million times exactly have i said that to you- fifty???
oh well- have some pins to paint for someone- need to do it- mailed my ebay sales- have a couple more gifts going out of town- to a couple neices . i'll make it i guess. one way or the othr.
i want this jerk to call- but i don't want to talk to him. i just want him to want to talk to me. maybe this is the end and he's out there somewhere steeling himself to just stay there with ms. wonderful. maybe they're on a love-trip with each other enjoying HEAVEN.....even if he did- i guess it would be something- something sad but DEFINITE>
I TOY WITH IDEa of just saying to him- if i am no part of your life's happiness - and she's all of it, don't bother to come.
i'll go give myself a lecture about stfu - i'll remember how long you've managed to hang in there- and hope your good example gives me some unexpected strength from somewhere-
oh well- stupid chores to do- stupid life to do - stupid non-existent gal to make believe i have. all my visiting- getting out of house- etc., doesn't really seem to be much of a life to me- it's just play-acting on my part.
i just don't have some activity for fun and someone fum to go do it with. like you- life was/is too wrapped up in h - nothing quite yet to replace THAT. OH WOE IS ME...
OH 0KAY- I KNOW I SOUND LIKE PITY-SPONGE HERE- I'M JUST HERE ALONE and really feeling he "bite".
