Is this cake eating? 9

[bustorama]

Later that night, stbx texted me with the same list of times and asked me to please make a selection from the dates on offer.

Next day, i replied that we had already discussed these times and had found that none suited us both.

Why respond this way? Why not respond with which of the dates works for you? It's his decision to ask you for dates again (whatever his motivation), his decision to go or not go on the dates that work for you. He asked you again. Take that at face value. It can come across as patronizing to do otherwise. Why tell him what he agreed to previously? He just asked you again.

As you said in your previous message, you saw ways that you sort of micromanaged him in the past (which may have felt patronizing or controlling to him). Do you see how the way you responded to his question might have triggered him in the same way (note, I'm not at all excusing his motivation -- I don't have any way of knowing it).

Two days later he came back to me and spewed that he was not going to mediation again, that he was taking me to court, and that he had decided to fight me for 50/50 custody of the kids. All because I had 'refused' to attend mediation a few days before Xmas. He mimicked my voice: "Oh, it's all too painful for me so close to Xmas."

"WAS, I get that you are really upset. I can't let myself be mocked like this though. I need you to leave now (or if you are on phone, I am going to hang up now.). I am happy to talk with you about this later without the verbal abuse and disrespect."

I feel like I've been purposely manipulated by some sort of ultimate control freak.

I get that you feel that way. I can imagine you feel that way based on the beliefs you have about his motives or state of mind when he asks you. Please stop trying to deduce his motives or state of mind. Only he knows what he is thinking -- it may make perfect sense to him, it may be manipulative, who knows. It is a form of control in itself to attribute his actions to some mindset or motive. And it can have negative consequences then on how you feel. Take his actions at face value, or ask him what he is thinking/feeling.

When you cast aspersions/judgements or even try to "mindread" his state of mind or thinking, you are making what are known as "Disrespectful Judgements" in the Marriage Builders lingo. Google it. You have said in previous messages that you feel compelled to do this, but doing so can be a very damaging, patronizing form of control in relationships.

Communicate about it.