And for anyone wanting to read about Love Avoidants, this article summarizes it pretty well: THE LOVE AVOIDANT For some people, relationships signify obligation instead of love. These people who fear being engulfed are called Love Avoidants. Whether you are in a relationship with a Love Avoidant or are one yourself, it is a lonely place to be. These people never allow themselves to experience the full joy of giving or receiving love. The roots of this unhealthy relationship pattern sprout from childhood experiences which lead to fears of engulfment. They aren’t caused by the current relationship; the pattern will be replicated in any intimate relationship.
How It All Began The Love Avoidant’s experience of relationship in childhood was often one of engulfment. He was a child who felt the need to take care of one parent or fill in for another, such as in single parent families or families where one parent was alcoholic or depressed. Instead of being a carefree child, he often had to play the part of a little adult. Instead of being nurtured, he became the nurturer compelled to fulfill the parent’s needs. His template for relationships is that he will be smothered, manipulated or drained.
Who is a Love Avoidant? A Love Avoidant is the commitment phobic who refuses to take the relationship beyond a certain level. He is the husband who habitually goes out with the guys instead of making it a priority to come home to his wife. She may be the woman who doesn’t make time for her husband because she’s too busy with the kids. He is the philanderer who never stays with just one person for long.
A Love Avoidant: • has lots of walls. The walls may be ones of anger, silence, superficial pleasantness or seductiveness. They are all impenetrable and part of an attempt to avoid being smothered or truly known. • will do anything to avoid being controlled; he answers to no one. • gets his intensity outside of the relationship, instead of from the relationship. • spends lots of time away from you or is distracted when around you, leaving no space for intimacy. • will not invite vulnerability by appearing to want or need anything from you. • may begin the relationship as a caretaker, just as he played the rescuer in childhood. • often gravitates to love addicts who are needy and suffocating, reinforcing his childhood message. • will likely have difficulty giving and receiving this holiday season. He may withdraw or find reasons to avoid the intimate contact of family gatherings.
A Love Avoidant often comes on strong in the beginning of relationship. He wants love; we all do. But, the part of him that is deathly afraid kicks in. With professional help and a lot of diligence, this pattern which keeps the Love Avoidant lonely can be changed. By stopping the intensity outside the relationship and replacing walls with boundaries, he can allow himself to experience the joys of being truly intimate.
Loving a Love Avoidant is painful; he has an arsenal of distancing techniques. It’s tempting to try to reach that unreachable part of him and heal him, but you can’t. Clinging to him makes for a lonely life for both of you.
This is SO helpful! My xh was a Navy SEAL, hated all social functions; wanted only to ride his motorcyles, shoot his guns, and work. When he was a young boy he had to take care of his siblings (hence, the reason why he had no desire to be a parent). There was not emotional intimacy in our marriage and I got so frustrated!
So, why was I attracted to this kind of man? Perhaps I was the needy one or he felt he could 'rescue' me.
Hmm...any way, I have a therapy appt. tomorrow to work on my childhood issues and how they feed into my selection of men at this point in my life. In Jan. I plan on a relationship class. Once I get some things squared away with me I can hit the dating trail again. Right now..I'm resting. Just being with me....
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
It's not even time for New Year's Resolutions and you are a girl with a plan. A GOOD plan. Taking the time to analyze what is not working is a great idea and getting professional help with it is even better.
I hope this gives you the insight that helps you make better choices that can lead to a better all-round life.
How very kind of you and thanks for the lovely words.
I had my first session today and I LOVE my new therapist. She told me to stop being so strong and grieve!! I've suffered tremendous losses and I get to be sad. Starting with my parents, who had no empathy, every person I've ever loved and trusted has let me down. I need to think about that...
It's time for ME! Then, and only then, will I be ready for a WE.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Had a date with the new love avoidant guy. Very sweet actually. Owns his own paid-for loft apartment (he's an amateur artist). I've been dating so many broke guys, kinda nice to date someone who has his finances in some semblance of order.
Of course, we had a really great evening, and it was apparent that he thinks I'm just incredible. (Not bragging, just saying that's how it went ) So now I'm waiting to see the Love Avoidant Freakout - when all their sensors say "Danger, Will Robinson" and he pulls back into a gopher hole. Stay tuned.
Lol - I know, OT, I know! If I could FIND a guy who isn't a physical wreck and is intelligent and interesting and NOT love avoidant, I'd jump at him. It's surprising how many guys my age seem to have this issue - my friend thinks it's because they're the leftovers? I never encountered guys like this when I was dating in my 20's. Now it seems to be all I meet.
Ellie, I wish for better for you. You are a brilliant, beautiful, loving person. You don't need someone who can't give you love to affirm that for you.
This isn't about the dating pool, you know. Right? See if any of this resonates: http://thelovelyaddict.com. Search for the word "expectations."
OT - I read it, but really, it's not me. Especially now that I understand the mystery of Love Avoidant behavior, it all makes sense to me and believe me, I'm not expecting ANYTHING anymore from a Love Avoidant guy other than a temporary good time.
) So now I'm waiting to see the Love Avoidant Freakout - when all their sensors say "Danger, Will Robinson" and he pulls back into a gopher hole. Stay tuned.